Why You are Feeling Angry After a Break Up, Even if it was Mutual

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Are you feeling angry after a breakup, even if it was mutual?

Were you in a relationship that you knew was doomed, and are you relieved that it is over but still angry for some unknown reason?

It makes sense. This happens to a lot of us at the end of a relationship for so many reasons.

5 Reasons Behind Anger After A Breakup:

#1 – Unanswered Questions.

Are there things that happened in the relationship that you don ‘ t understand? Did something happen that changed the way you thought about things? Were you scared to ask questions, or, if you did, were they left unanswered?

Unanswered questions can really be anger-inducing.

I have a client whose relationship had just ended. They realized that they just had too many issues and that it wasn ‘ t going to work out. He is angry, though, because he has some questions about what happened with his girlfriend ‘ s ex over the course of their relationship.

He has a feeling that his girlfriend was talking to her ex the whole time they were dating, but he wasn ‘ t sure. It was part of what caused the disintegration of the relationship, his suspicions and her denials, although it wasn ‘ t the whole thing. Now that the relationship is over, he is left wondering if she had been lying the whole time. And that pisses him off.

So, if you have unanswered questions, that might be one reason why you are feeling angry after a breakup.

#2 – Things left unsaid.

Similar to unanswered questions, things being left unsaid can be a huge reason why we hold onto anger after a breakup.

I remember when I broke up with a guy I had been seeing for two years. It was a toxic relationship, and the only way that I could finally get away was by going ‘ ˜no contact ‘ and blocking him everywhere. We never had that ‘ ˜last talk, ‘ the talk where I could express the anger, frustration and disappointment that I was feeling. He knew that I felt those things, but I wasn ‘ t sure if he really understood.

I held onto my anger for a long time, longer than I should have, imagining the conversation that could have happened, but didn ‘ t.

#3 – Disappointment.

When we fall in love we are so excited. We have met someone who fits our needs in so many ways, and we dive in, sure that this time it ‘ s going to work out. And then it doesn ‘ t.

One of the reasons that we are angry is that we are disappointed. Disappointed in ourselves for the part that we played in the demise of the relationship, at our ex, for their part in the demise of the relationship, and that the relationship didn ‘ t work out the way we had hoped and dreamed it would.

Disappointment can breed deep anger. Life is so hard and when we are let down, it can be hard to let go of. Ironically, we tend to stay angriest at ourselves when we are disappointed – we tend to blame ourselves for not holding things together and for sabotaging our future happiness.

So, take stock. Are you disappointed in yourself, your ex or the loss of your dreams for the future? If yes, then that might be why you are still holding on to the anger.

#4 – Dating.

When I am talking to clients about initiating a breakup, the #1 reason they often don ‘ t want to break up with someone is because they don ‘ t want to start dating again.

The prospect of going back online, of having random conversations, and even more random dates, having to dress up and be charming and kiss a lot of frogs with no certainty that they will find the right person, is completely daunting. And it pisses them off.

If you are angry that you have to start dating again, I get it. It is exhausting. But I can promise you that, unless you put yourself out there in some way, you won ‘ t find the person you have been looking for.

And they are out there, waiting for you. I promise.

#5 – Other people ‘ s opinions.

Be honest. Are your friends trashing talking about your ex? Are they saying that he was never good enough for you? Is your mother saying that she never liked him, your dad saying that she wasn ‘ t pretty enough? Are your co-workers happy that you aren ‘ t dating her anymore because you are now free to go out with them after work?

Other people ‘ s opinions can play a very large part in why you are feeling angry after a break up, even if it was mutual.

People like to stoke fires, to create drama, to trash talk people who might have caused someone they love pain. As a result, they might say things that will rile you up a bit, that might make you question your ex ‘ s actions and motivations and the things that you did to encourage it.

Spending any time at all rehashing what happened can take you right down that anger trail, even if you know that the break-up was the best thing that could have happened to you.

So, stop listening to others who trash-mouth your ex or your relationship. Better yet, shut them down and move on.

Feeling angry after a breakup, even if it was mutual, is not unusual.

Emotions are interesting things and surprise us at every turn. Who would have thought that the emotion that manifested after a mutual break-up would be anger?

Do you have unanswered questions or things that were left unsaid? Are you disappointed that the relationship ended, and are your friends dissing you? Are you looking out into the world of dating with despair?

All of those things can lead to anger but know that the anger will pass. It will pass quicker if you take stock of the things that I discussed above, but it will, with time, fade into something that you don ‘ t have to think about any more.

Life will go on. And you will be happy. I promise!

5 Reasons You Might be Holding on to a Toxic Relationship

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Holding on to a toxic relationship instead of letting go is, more often than not, the norm.

The strength that it takes to walk away from any relationship, much less a toxic one, is huge and the fear of the pain that we might feel even worse.

If you want to find the strength to stop holding on to a toxic relationship, it ‘ s important to understand why we are holding on – what is motivating us to not let go and walk away from something that is only making us miserable.

To help you understand, here are 5 reasons you might be holding on to a toxic relationship and ways to push back on the reasons so you can move on.

#1 – Fear of being alone.

It is the human condition to want to be in a pair. To have someone to share one ‘ s life and experiences with. That is the goal.

Unfortunately, for many of us, we are willing to settle for ‘ ˜good enough ‘ when it comes to finding the other half of our twosome. We believe that if we let go of the bird in hand, we will NEVER find another person to love. The prospect of putting ourselves out there again so that we can find that person is overwhelmingly daunting. So, we hold on to the one we have now. No matter how bad they are for us.

Let me tell you, from decades of personal and professional experience; there is always another person out there for us. We might not find them right away, but we will NEVER find them if we stay in the relationship that we are in.

So, if you are staying in your toxic relationship because you believe that if you leave you will always be alone, let me tell you that you won ‘ t! There is a person out there for you, a person who will be your perfect half, who will make you whole.

#2 – Low self-esteem.

I can ‘ t tell you how many of my clients who are in toxic relationships have very low self-esteem.

They just don ‘ t believe that they are worthy of good love, and, if they do, they have no idea how to go out and find it.

Unfortunately, the result of toxic relationships can be the lowering of self-esteem. We are unhappy, isolated from our friends, belittled for any perceived shortcomings and know, deep down, that we aren ‘ t being treated well.

And if we don ‘ t feel good about ourselves, we attract men who don ‘ t feel good about us either.

For me, part of letting go of my toxic love was focusing on my business. I was able to redirect the pain of letting go of the relationship into something that made me feel really good about myself. And feeling good about myself allowed me to let him go and find someone who sees just how awesome I am.

#3 – Patterns and habits.

I can ‘ t overemphasize enough how big a role patterns play in our lives.

Think about your daily routines and patterns and how off you feel those days that your routines are broken. Like if you always have breakfast before you head out the door and one day you just can ‘ t and how you just don ‘ t feel yourself for the rest of the day.

Now imagine this in a relationship. When a relationship is new and good, we establish patterns and routines with our partners. And those patterns and routines become entrenched in our lives. Breaking them can be nearly impossible.

Do you imagine what Christmas would be like without your partner? Or wonder who you would go to the movies with on Wednesdays? Those are the patterns that keep us with our toxic loves. We don ‘ t want to let go of them, can ‘ t conceive of life without them, and that keeps us trapped.

Interestingly, even breaking up and getting back together gets routine. With my toxic relationship, I would break up with him and then, like clockwork, 8 weeks later he would reach out to me, and before I knew it I was back where I started. I can ‘ t tell you how many times that happened.

I have since learned that if you can get past that 8-week mark, you can break a pattern. And I can promise you that you will find someone else to go to the movies with on Wednesdays. I did.

#4 – Self-blame.

One of the most insidious things about toxic love is that, after a while, we start to blame ourselves for everything that is going wrong.

I have a client whose husband had a relationship with one of their employees. For three years, my client has asked her husband to fire that woman and for three years, he has promised to and hasn ‘ t. She is beside herself, and rightly so.

The thing is, her husband has done a remarkable job making her feel like their issues are HER fault. He says that if she could just let this go, they could be happy. That she has no compassion for this other woman ‘ s children – what would they do if their mother had no income? Because of his accusations, she truly questions her mental health some days.

Do you blame yourself for why your relationship is toxic? Do you believe that if you could just have been a little bit nicer or paid more attention to him or had sex with him when he wanted you to that, everything would be just fine?

If yes, stop. Your person is making your life difficult, and while you might play a role in the situation, I can promise you that it ‘ s NOT all your fault.

#5 – You are soulmates.

Do you believe that the relationship that you share with your person is like none other? That the intense passion and connection that you share can not compare with anyone else ‘ s relationship and that letting it go would be such a waste?

Let me tell you, EVERYONE feels that way about their relationship. I hate to burst your bubble, but while the love you have for this person might be strong, it ‘ s not the ultimate love in the world and letting go of it will not be the end of love for you.

As a matter of fact, if you can let go of your toxic love, then you are WAY more likely to find a connection that is real and wonderful and magic.

I did.

Holding on to a toxic relationship often happens because we fear the pain that we will feel if we let go.

But letting go of toxic love is very important for a happy life. Can you imagine spending the rest of your life living with someone who makes your life miserable more often than they make you happy?

Could you ever be happy if the rest of your life is the same as your life today?

I know that for me finally getting out of my toxic relationship gave me the time, strength and focus to build my business and my self-esteem. It made me understand that I could break patterns and not only survive but thrive. I learned that I was okay being alone and that while to me our love was special, really there is other, better love in this world.

So, what are you waiting for? Letting go of a toxic love is something that you can start doing right now!

How to Make Peace with Letting Go of Someone Who Left You

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Are you trying to make peace with letting go of someone who left you?

Have you been working through the end of the relationship but are having a hard time accepting that it is over and moving on?

You are not alone.

The end a relationship is like a death, and learning to accept it can be beyond difficult. All of the hopes and dreams we had for the future have been dashed – how do we recover from that?

Fortunately, there are things that you can do to help you make peace with letting go of someone who left you and move on to a life full of happiness and love.

#1 – Mourn.

For many of us, when we are struggling with pain, we tell ourselves to suck it up. Appearing to be sad about the end of the relationship makes us look weak, and we don ‘ t want that.

Our friends tell us to move on – that our person wasn ‘ t worthy of us and that we will find someone who will love us someday. So, just move on. You are better off.

I am here to tell you that this attitude, while understandable, isn ‘ t going to help you make peace with letting go of someone who left you. It is important that to process what has happened, you feel the pain.

What do I mean? I mean, whatever it is that you need to do to let the pain that you are feeling out of your body. Cry, scream, yell, throw something (not at someone, though) – whatever you need to do to feel your feelings and release them. Holding in your emotions will only magnify them.

It ‘ s okay for you to take some time to get past this. To sit on the couch and eat ice cream, to drink a little too much with your friends, to hang out with your family, who loves you best. These things are important. Your heart has had a shock and it will need time to recuperate.

So, take some time, no matter what people say, to let out your emotions and work through and recover from the pain. Doing so will help you move on.

#2 – Make a list.

One of the reasons that it ‘ s hard for us to get over a breakup and move on is because of the tricks that our brains play on us.

After we break up with someone, or are broken up with, we no longer have time with our people. We no longer are building up memories, good and bad, but instead are left with memories of things past. And, for some reason, our brains only hold on to the good things, the things about our relationship that made us happy.

Perhaps the memories consist of how things were at the beginning or the time you went to the Bahamas together or the brew fest you attended last fall. Those were all positive parts of your relationship and ones that you hold onto.

The reality of the relationship might be somewhat different. Perhaps the person they were, in the beginning is not at all the person they ended up being. Perhaps in the Bahamas, they drank way too much, and you spent a lot of time alone. Perhaps they were crabby at the end of the brew fest, and you had to leave early. The brain doesn ‘ t remember those things – it only remembers the good ones.

So, I encourage everyone to make a list while they are trying to get past a break-up, a list of all of the things that weren ‘ t good about the relationship. Even if you were broken up with suddenly, I would bet that if you did some soul searching there would be things that were happening that you might have ignored. Write those things down.

Having a list will make a big difference as you work to get over a break up and move on.

#3 – Let go of the victim mentality.

Ok, so, your person has left you and you are alone, devastated, and that is a truly horrible thing. And perhaps you are convinced that your person is a horrible person to just walk out on you even though nothing was wrong. Perhaps you are telling yourself that you are the victim in all of this.

Now, I am not saying that you haven ‘ t been blindsided and hurt deeply – this is how it is at the end of a relationship, especially if you have been left. But I would argue that perhaps some of what you are telling yourself isn’t, in fact, based on truth and that if you continue to play the victim in your breakup, if you continue to take no responsibility for its demise, then trying to make peace with letting go of someone who left you will be impossible.

Are you sitting around feeling sorry for yourself? Are you telling yourself that you did nothing wrong and that it was all on your ex and that they treated you horribly and that you don ‘ t deserve this after all you have done for them and that they were wrong and you were right etc. etc. etc.?

While some of what you are thinking might be true, I would encourage you to examine your role in the demise of the relationship. Even if they cheated on you, you played some role in making space for your partner to want to fool around. I am NOT saying that this is your fault, but I am saying that holding on to being a victim here isn ‘ t going to let you get past this.

For years, after my ex-husband left me for another woman, I played the victim – the person who was abandoned by the man who swore in front of our friends and family to love me forever. Not being able to break out of the victim mode held me back from healing. Once I was finally able to see that, while I was still hurt, I wasn ‘ t blameless in what happened, and by doing so, I was finally able to start making peace with the end of my marriage.

#4 – Don ‘ t sabotage yourself.

Ok, be honest. When was the last time you stalked your ex? Was it one minute, one hour, one day or one month ago? How did it feel when you stalked them? Great? I am guessing not.

We do many things to sabotage ourselves when we are trying to make peace by letting go of someone who left. We stalk them online, wondering what they are doing and who they are doing it with. We seek closure, sometimes more than once. We move on too quickly, only to run back to our ex, begging for another chance. We let our ex come and go, taking advantage of our emotional fragility.

If you want to make peace with letting go of your ex, it is essential that you don ‘ t sabotage yourself. That you do the things that you need to do to keep yourself strong in the face of all the pain.

Make sure you take care of yourself. You sleep and eat and exercise. Spend time with people who love you and who will remind you how amazing you are. Do things that make you feel good, like a massage or a pedicure. Buy yourself something pretty. Build yourself an altar to your hopes and dreams.

Don ‘ t spend even a moment more sabotaging yourself, making yourself weaker in the face of what happened. Stand up for yourself and prepare to move on.

#5 – Take stock of what you want.

For many of us, when we are broken up, we are sure that we will never love or be loved again. We believe that this person is the only person who could ever make us happy.

I would like to argue that the person who just left you is not the only person who can make you happy but is, instead, simply the one who is in front of you right now. The one who you gave time and effort, and your heart to. But not, I promise, the only person for you.

Now is the time to take stock of what you want in a person. What kind of person would make your heart sing, who would make you feel safe and secure, who would be the kind of person who would stand by you no matter what?

After this, take stock of the kind of person your ex was. Were they the kind of person who would be able to be who you would want? Who could give you what you want in life and love?

Be honest with yourself. Don ‘ t say, ‘ ˜they could be if only ‘ ¦. ‘ If your person isn ‘ t who you would want them to be right now, let them go. People might change, but only if they want to. Don ‘ t love someone for who they could be.

Your person is out there, and they aren ‘ t the person who just let you go.

Knowing how to make peace with letting go of someone who left you is an important part of moving forward.

If you hold onto anger and resentment, getting past your person and finding a healthy and happy relationship will be impossible.

So, make sure you mourn the end of your relationship, make a list of things that you know weren ‘ t good in the relationship, let go of your victim mentality, don ‘ t sabotage yourself and look ahead to the future instead of looking back.

I know that it feels impossible now but if you can make peace with letting go of someone who left you, you will be able to move forward and get the life, and love, that you have always dreamed of.

I promise.

How to Let Go of Regrets in the New Year So that You Can Be Happy (2023)

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Are you, like many of us, hoping to let go of regrets in the New Year?

You know the regrets I am talking about – the ones that give you a pit in your stomach when you think about them. The regrets about choices that you did or didn ‘ t make.

Regrets can be hard to live with. Regrets make you think about the way your life could have been if only you had gone a different direction. And, unfortunately, regrets can keep us mired in the past instead of living in the now and seeing the potential of the future.

Learning how to let go of regrets is the best thing that you can do to help build the life you want.

Here are 5 ways to let go of regrets in the New Year so that you can look ahead to the potential of your life instead of being stuck in the past.

#1 – Identify them.

For many of us, we have more than one regret and those regrets are rolling around in our brains, doing nothing but causing us damage.

I am a big believer in getting things out of your head and onto paper. They say that thoughts are 4x more destructive left in your head than they are when they are out in the world. Therefore, I encourage you to sit down with a pad of paper and write out your regrets. It might not be easy but it will be the first step towards letting them go.

A few of my regrets, just for example.

  1. That I didn ‘ t choose running over badminton in 8th grade.
  2. That I didn ‘ t say yes to Shawn Miele when he asked me out to lunch.
  3. That I went to culinary school instead of the hotel management school.
  4. That we moved to Boulder instead of staying in Maine.
  5. That I didn ‘ t address my mood issues sooner.

It ‘ s interesting; writing out that list was harder than I thought. I thought that I had tons of regrets, but actually, it seems that I only have a few. That feels pretty good, actually.

#2 – Don ‘ t kid yourself.

The thing about regrets is that we are always longing for the life we might have lived if we had chosen that road instead of the one we did. Hindsight is always 20/20, and we just know that if we had made a different choice, our life would have been better.

But I don ‘ t think it ‘ s that easy. Yes, if you had chosen a different path your life might have played out differently but that doesn ‘ t necessarily mean it would have been better.

I recently read an excellent book about regrets, The Midnight Library. In it, the protagonist Nora is given a chance to live the many lives that she would have lived if she made a different choice. And yes, some things in her many lives were better, but her life definitely wasn ‘ t perfect.

In one, she was the rock star (a past regret being that she had walked away from her band), but, in that life, her brother had died of a drug overdose. In another, she was married to the man she had regretted walking away from, but, in this life, he was an alcoholic, and their marriage was a shambles. Third, she was a geologist, a career not chosen, but she was in Antarctica when her mother died.

So yes, if we had made the choices that we regret not making, our lives might have been different but perhaps not necessarily better.

I know that while I regretted moving to Boulder because I think it was the reason my marriage fell apart, I also know that, if we hadn ‘ t moved, my daughter wouldn ‘ t have found the high school that changed her life and that we wouldn ‘ t have adopted the dog who helped my son get through college.

Making that choice, I believe, changed the course of my life. While my marriage falling apart was devastating, in the end, it was all good. I have a wonderful life, and my kids are thriving.

So, look at your regrets and recognize that the life you think you might have led had you made that choice is not based on any truth but on a story you have created in your head.

#3 – Ask yourself why?

For many of us, we don ‘ t know why we made the choices that we did.

Did we do it because we were scared or because we were depressed or because others made the choice for us?

I know that for me many of my regrets have to do with a lack of self-esteem born from depression.

I didn ‘ t choose running because, in spite of being told I was excellent by the PE teacher, I didn ‘ t believe that I could do it. I chose culinary school instead of hotel management because my then boyfriend thought that was what I wanted to do. I didn ‘ t take a look at the emotional struggle I had dealt with my whole life because it just felt like too much effort.

The key part of understanding why you made the choices you did it so that, going forward, you don ‘ t make those mistakes again. You don ‘ t make choices that you regret making.

Because a key part of letting go of regrets is looking to the future and the potential that is there for you and reaching out and taking it.

I know that, since I have dealt with my depression, I make my own decisions, and I stick to them. As a result, I very much have the life that I always wanted to have. That life started at 50 years old, but I have a lot of years left, so it ‘ s ok.

#4 – Where are you in your life?

Speaking of where I am in my life, I know that now my regrets are fewer than they were in the past. I believe that it ‘ s because I am happy.

Back in the days when I wasn ‘ t living the life I wanted, when I was a stay-at-home mom with no identity of my own, in an unhappy marriage, struggling with depression and lack of follow-through, I spent a lot more time focused on my regrets.

If only I had made a different choice, my life would have been so much better.

Now, because I am happy, I can look at those regrets and recognize that the choices I made got me to where I am today. Yes, I might have wished I had a degree in hotel management, but I also know that being a life coach and growing my own business has been incredibly satisfying.

Take a look at your life. Are you where you want to be? Do you think that you focus on regrets because of how unhappy you are in your life? Do you constantly say, ‘ ˜If I had just made that choice instead of this one, my life would be better? ‘

I get it. I do. But what I can tell you is that, while you can ‘ t change the past, you can change the future. Try not to think of yourself as who you could have been by focusing on the past, but instead think of who you can be by seeing the potential for yourself for the future.

Because it never is too late to live the life you want. Again, I didn ‘ t find true happiness until I turned 50 when I made the decision to move to NYC and never look back. I built a life for myself full of love and success, and if I had stayed in the past, mired in my regrets, I never would have gotten there.

#5 – The Many Worlds Theory.

Ok, this one is kind of strange and feel free to skip past it if it ‘ s too much for you, but I just learned about something that I never knew before.

Some scientists who study quantum mechanics believe in the concept of the multiverse, specifically the Many Worlds theory, which posits that there isn ‘ t only this life that exists but that there are a number of other universes, in each of which we are living a different life, different lives based on choices we made.

If you follow that idea, then it is possible that there is another you, or many other yous, living the life that you might have lived had you made a different choice. That somewhere out there, I had a hotel management degree or I was an Olympic runner or I had faced my depression early on.

Somewhere out there, I am living many different lives, lives based on the choices I made.

For some reason, this idea gives me a lot of peace. The idea that the life I could have lived had I made different choices is happening somewhere that I am experiencing the things I have always wished I was experiencing makes me profoundly happy. I know I will never know what that life is, but I am happy that a different me is living it.

I know – this all sounds very far-fetched, but I wanted to share it with you in case it resonates as it does with me.

I hope that I have been helpful in showing you how to let go of regrets in the New Year.

Regrets are based on ideas in our head of how things could be, not on any kind of truth. Spending so much time focusing on the theoretical doesn ‘ t get us anywhere. In fact, it holds us back.

So, take some time to take stock of your regrets, push back on them so that you can take away some of their control over your life. Take stock of why you have them so that you don ‘ t make choices the same way again, and take a good hard look at where you are in your life and what you can do to change it.

And, finally, think about that other ‘ ˜you ‘ out there, living another life, one that isn ‘ t perfect but that is full of human fallibility and love.

Now that you know how to let go of regrets, go out there and do it!

I know you can!

How to Stop Feeling Insecure After Your Spouse Cheated

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Are you feeling insecure after your spouse cheated?

Did the person you swore who love you forever betray you by having an affair?

Has your self-esteem been decimated and do you find yourself circling the drain in more ways than one?

Don ‘ t worry! You are not alone. Many people suffer from feeling insecure after their partner cheats.

Fortunately, there are steps that you can take that will help you manage that insecurity and move forward with your head held high.

#1 – Don ‘ t blame yourself.

Are you blaming yourself for your partner cheating? Are you feeling like if you were just nicer, or prettier, or more successful, they wouldn ‘ t have cheated? Do you believe that your perceived deficiencies are why your partner was unfaithful?

I can promise you, here and now – you are not at fault for your partner cheating. There are two people in every relationship and, yes, there are often issues that arise between them but that doesn ‘ t mean that people are given a license to cheat.

In a healthy relationship, issues are addressed and put to bed before they become bigger than life.

That being said, you are in the same troubled relationship with your spouse and you didn ‘ t cheat. You were strong enough to keep your vows even as your relationship foundered.

If anything, you are the one who should hold their head high because you acted with integrity instead of cowardice. They did not.

#2 – Face it head on.

Many people who have been cheated on struggle to face what happened head on.

Sometimes they don ‘ t confront their partners, worried that if they do they will get a confirmation that they really don ‘ t want to hear. Sometimes, once they do receive said confirmation, they don ‘ t address it any further, hoping that if they just ignore it it will go away. Sometimes, they don ‘ t tell their friends or family because they are so embarrassed and they hold what happened and their emotions inside.

It is important that, if you are feeling insecure after your spouse cheated, you face it head on. That you talk directly to your partner about what happened, why and how. To ask the questions that you need to ask and process the answers in way that will help you deal with it.

It is also important that you share what has happened with someone you trust. I am not telling you to broadcast what happened to the neighborhood but confiding in a friend or family member will give you a sounding board on which to process.

If you can ‘ t face this directly you will keep all your anger and hurt and fear inside. Any chance of fixing things with your spouse will be impossible because the issue isn ‘ t being addressed. The knowledge that your spouse cheated and that you did nothing to address it will eat you up inside, making you feel more insecure every day.

A strong person who faces adversity head on is not an insecure person. Quite the opposite, indeed.

#3 – Soul search.

In the same way that I suggest that you face what happened head on with your partner, so I encourage you to dig deep and do some soul searching about how you got to this place. How your marriage got to a place where your partner cheated.

When my ex cheated on me, I was devastated. While I don ‘ t blame myself for his cheating, in retrospect I have realized that I helped create thepetridish in which my partner ‘ s infidelity developed.

I was contemptuous of him, always questioning why he did or didn ‘ t do things. We lived apart often, because of work or the kids. We never had sex. I was always in charge. Etc.

None of these things made him feel loved or respected and eventually he met someone who make him feel both. And he left.

In my current relationship I have worked hard to not create an atmosphere where my partner would look elsewhere for love or affection. I work hard to communicate instead of being passive aggressive and treating my guy with contempt. I make sure we have sex and thatthe power in the relationship is even.

It ‘ s not always easy because old habits are hard to break, but doing sohas kept our relationship strong and infidelity proof.

So, take some time and do some soul searching. Are you happy with who you are in your relationship? Would doing some work on yourself help you be a better partner (in this relationship or in the next)? Is the life that you are living honestly what you want it to be? Knowing more about yourself will help you stop feeling insecure after your spouse cheated.

#4 – Take care of yourself.

For many of us, when we learn that a partner cheated, we sink into a very dark place.

Because we have been betrayed by the person who was closest to us, our ability to function in the world can be compromised. And when that happens, the healthy behaviors that we might have practiced in the past can be sabotaged.

Tell me the truth – has your time since you discovered that your partner cheated been filled with exercise and salads or ice cream and binge watching TV? If you answered the second, you are not alone. I have personally spent a lot of time on the couch mourning a betrayal.

It is important that, to stop feeling insecure after your partner cheated, you take care of yourself. That you get exercise, eat well and sleep. That you spend time with people who love you. That you do things in the world that give you joy. That you dig into your job so that you can hold your head up at work well done.

Eating ice cream, sleepless nights and stalking your partner ‘ s lover on Instagram will only cause you pain. Which will lead to more ice cream, weight gain and a plummeting self-esteem.

So, get yourself out there. Take walks with your friends, eat food that makes your body feel strong and spend time with people who know how awesome you are.

The best revenge is being happy and healthy in spite of what your loser partner did.

#5 – Don ‘ t settle.

Are you considering staying with your person after they cheated? Are you worried about the kids or your community or your finances or what your parents might think? Are you staying with your spouse for any reason other than the fact that you love them and truly want things to work out?

If the answer to my question is the first and not the second then I would encourage you to think hard before you make this decision. This is the rest of your life that you are talking about. And life is short and being happy is important.

Imagine waking up every day, for the rest of your life, next to the person you haven ‘ t forgiven and no longer love. Imagine Christmas mornings and weddings and anniversaries spent next to someone you don ‘ t respect. Imagine sitting across from them at a dinner table and making small talk.

Now imagine waking up every day for the rest of your life with someone you love and respect. Imagine Christmases and weddings and anniversaries with someone you can trust. Imagine sitting across from them at a dinner table and feeling a rush of love.

How amazing would that be?

Being in a relationship with someone we love and trust, and who loves and trusts us back, is an excellent way to boost our self-esteem. Seeing how wonderful we are in the eyes of another lifts us up in a way nothing else can.

So, think carefully before you decide next steps. You deserve to be happy and you are the only one who can make that happen. Don ‘ t settle!

Working to stop feeling insecure after your spouse cheated can be very difficult. You have been betrayed and there is nothing worse in a relationship.

Fortunately, there are things that you can do to rebuild your self-esteem after your spouse cheats. First and foremost, don ‘ t blame yourself. You didn ‘ t cheat. Face the infidelity head on instead of burying it deep. Take good care of yourself. Do some soul searching about what you want in life and in relationships and don ‘ t settle. Never settle.

This is a horribly difficult time for you but you can get through it intact and move forward to live the life you want. I promise.

How to Make Your Girlfriend Feel Safe, Secure and Loved

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Good for you for taking time to learn how to make your girlfriend feel safe, secure and loved in your relationship.

Relationships are wonderful but fraught with opportunities for things to go wrong. Men and women come at life from such different places and sometimes its hard for men to recognize what his girlfriend needs to feel safe.

And safe is something that women always say they are looking for in a man and they mean it.

And, of course, you want to give her that. What man wouldn ‘ t?

But how the hell do you do that? What will make your girlfriend feel safe, secure and loved in your relationship? Let me tell you…

#1 – Listen to her.

The most important thing to make your girlfriend feel safe is for her to know that you are listening to her.

That when she talks you are paying attention and understanding what she is saying and feeling.

While you might be inclined to think that you need to ‘ ˜fix ‘ her to make her feel safe, in reality really all she wants you to do is to listen and let her know that you are there for her.

So, next time your girl opens up to you, sit down and pay attention. Hold her hand, empathize with her feelings and confirm for her that you hear her, that you are there and that you always will be.

#2 – Follow through.

Are you one of those people who doesn ‘ t always do what you say you are going to do? Your intentions are good but things get in the way of you being able to follow through.

Do you tell your girl that you will be home at 6 even if you aren ‘ t going to be home until 8 because you don ‘ t want to make her mad? Or that you will go pick out the windows for the house renovation, even though chances are good that you will have to work? Or do you fully intend to stop at the grocery store on the way home but you just forget?

People don ‘ t follow through for a variety reasons. Very few of them are because we don ‘ t love someone. We do it to prevent our person from feeling hurt or let down or we are human and forget. But we don ‘ t do it because we don ‘ t love our person enough.

Unfortunately, people tend to personalize that someone doesn ‘ t do something for them. ‘ ˜If you loved me you would have done this ‘ is the phrase people hear when they haven ‘ t followed through

So, if you aren ‘ t good at following through, regardless of the reason, you definitely won ‘ t make your girlfriend feel safe. Instead you will make them feel unimportant and unloved.

Make sure you do what you say you are going to do. Allow your woman to feel confident that she can rely on you to always be there for her. And make her feel safe.

#3 – Use your words.

Have you ever thought to yourself ‘ ˜I don ‘ t need to tell her how I feel about her. She knows. ‘

Do you take out the garbage faithfully, assuming that by doing so your girlfriend will know you love her?

If the answer to either question is YES then you are wrong!

Telling your woman how you feel about her is a key component in making her feel safe. She might have a sense of how you feel but to actually hear the words come out of your mouth let ‘ s her know that you have her back. That you care about her enough to tell her and that she knows that she can count on you to be there for her.

#4 – Be a man.

I know. I know. In this day and age men and women are equal. And my 23 year old daughter will kill me for saying this but the truth of the matter is that men can make women feel safe by just acting like themselves.

Men are genetically programmed to be protectors. The survival of the species depended on men protecting their women and children from predators. That instinct is not gone in this 21stcentury world.

I am not saying that you need to brandish your club and knock down anyone who messes with your girl but make sure that she knows that you are there for her, to reach the things that she can ‘ t reach, to carry that load that is just too much for her, to hold the door open when her hands are full and to get rid of that dead mouse carcass the cat dragged in.

Tap into your inner caveman, without letting him take you over completely, and allow your girl to feel safe.

#5 – Be honest.

The number one most important thing to do to make your girlfriend feel safe is to be honest.

I said above that it is important that you always do what you say you are going to do but it is more than that.

For a woman to feel safe she needs to feel trust. And if you can ‘ t be honest with her she can never trust you.

So, if you can ‘ t get home for dinner, tell her. If you need to see your mother instead of going out with her friends, don ‘ t make an excuse. Tell her the truth. If you ran up the credit card debt or forgot to give the kids a bath or need some time on your own, be direct and up front. Tell her the truth, right away.

Let her know that she can rely on you to be honest and if you do she will feel safe.

Making sure that your girlfriend feels safe, secure and loved in a relationship is the best way to ensure that it will be healthy and happy one.

Listen to her, do what you say you are going to do, tell her how you feel about her, protect her and be honest.

I promise you. You make your girlfriend feel safe and she is yours forever.

How To Ease Back into Dating After An Abusive Relationship

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Have you become newly single after escaping from a toxic situation and are you wondering how to ease back into dating after an abusive relationship so that you can truly find happiness?

I know that it ‘ s scary, the idea of dating, and good for you for thinking ahead about how to do it in a healthy way.

Fortunately, there are steps that you can take to make sure that, when you are ready to start dating again, you will be prepared so that you can set yourself up for success.

#1- Get to know yourself again.

For many people who have been in abusive relationships we lose who we are. Months or years of being told that we are less than, that everything that is our fault, that we are worthless and not worth respect and that we are unattractive and stupid, takes its toll on one ‘ s self esteem.

And people who have low self-esteem will attract other people with low self-esteem which might just start the whole vicious cycle all over again.

When you have gotten out of an abusive relationship, take some time to get to know yourself again. Spend time with people who love you so that you can re-learn how loveable you are. Do something that you have always wanted to do but didn ‘ t believe you could, so you can learn how strong you really are. Learn something new, so that you can get reconnect with your intelligence.

Building up your self-confidence is a key part of being successful in the dating world. If you can go into it not thinking of yourself as a victim or as less than but as someone who had the strength to get out of an abusive relationship, someone who values themselves and is surrounded by people who love them, you will attract like-minded people, the kind of people you would want to be in a relationship with.

I know the idea might be daunting but getting to know yourself again is an important part of easing back into dating after an abusive relationship.

#2- Take stock of what happened in your relationship.

Abusive relationships are devastating. You find yourself in a place where you are constantly miserable, questioning yourself and everything around you, being subjected to verbal, and maybe, physical abuse, treading water just trying to prevent yourself from drowning. Ugh.

Once you escape from an abusive relationship it ‘ s important to take stock of how the relationship turned abusive. Was it that way from the beginning or did something happen that caused the abuse to start? Was the abuse constant or only during a certain set of circumstances? Did other people know about the abuse or did you hide it? Were you aware that you were being abused?

It ‘ s also important to take stock of your role in the relationship. Was your overwhelm such that you found yourself provoking your person at times? Did you roll over and take the abuse, even in front of your children? Could you have left the situation earlier than you did?

Being aware of everything that happened in your relationship, and recognizing things that you did that you can take responsibility for, will allow you to ease back into dating because you will have clarity about what happened and be determined not to let it happen again.

#3 – Believe.

Many people who are ready to ease back into dating after an abusive relationship go in skeptical. Their view of love has been tainted by the past and the prospect of meeting someone new, someone who could love broken them, seems impossible. This is especially true of people who are considering on-line dating, a truly frustrating and seemingly unnatural way to date.

Let me tell you, from years of personal and professional experience, that it is not only possible, but probable, that you will meet someone else out there in the world. That you will meet someone who can treat you right and who will make you happy. It might take some time and you might need to kiss a few frogs but your person is out there.

And while internet dating may seem unpalatable, there are plenty of people who have met their person online and who are living happily ever after.

So, before you put yourself out there to start dating, ask yourself if you believe that this could work. If you don ‘ t believe, it won ‘ t. Putting out negative energy is going to doom your dating prospects from the start.

Believe that you will find someone and the positive energy will draw that person too you!

#4 – Choose differently.

Many, many people who don ‘ t take stock with what happened in past relationships move on to relationships that are very similar to toxic ones they had in the past. For whatever reason, they find themselves attracted to the same sort of person, sometimes over and over, and the relationships end up the same every time.

Now that you have awareness of what happened in your abusive relationship, it might be easier for you to recognize the things that you need to do differently when it ‘ s time to date. You might now recognize the kind of person you want to date, the kind of behaviors you want you both to exhibit, the kind of feelings you want this person to make you feel.

I have a client who was in a relationship with someone she didn ‘ t trust – he had fooled around on her repeatedly and lied to her about it. She was determined to find someone she could trust the next time around and she did. And, while that relationship didn ‘ t work out, she knew going out of it that there were guys out there she could trust. The guy she met this week is not only incredibly trustworthy but he has many of the traits that her old boyfriend lacked. I see a potentially marvelous future for them both!

#5 – Go slowly.

If there is one piece of advice that I give all of my clients it ‘ s to enter into any new relationship slowly.

So many of us meet someone, fall madly in love and then fall quickly into bed, without even getting to know the new person. When that new person finally starts to show themselves, we are often too far in to get out of the relationship easily.

If you meet someone you like, take your time. Get to know their likes and dislikes, their past relationships, their relationships with their parents, their hopes and dreams for the future. And DON ‘ T fall into bed with them. Sex changes everything, particularly for women who seem to get more attached to someone after they have had sex, even if they weren ‘ t particularly attached before.

My boyfriend, the love of my life, was a friend for 6 months before we started dating. Because there was no prospect of dating, we were open and honest with each other and told each other things about ourselves that made us quite vulnerable. By the time we started dating, we knew and trusted each other. Our lovemaking was intimate and our love grew quickly from there and was healthy.

So, as you ease back into dating after an abusive relationship, take it slow. Don ‘ t do it like you did last time. (You took it too fast, didn ‘ t you?) Get to know this person before you give them your heart, and your body. You will set yourself up for success if you do.

Dating is hard in the best of times and knowing how to ease back into dating after an abusive relationship is important.

You have just been through a lot and to embark on the search for another someone is scary. And you are brave.

So, before you do, get to know yourself again, fall in love with yourself again. Take stock of what happened in your relationship and familiarize yourself with the role you played in it. Choose carefully and mindfully who you date, believe that your person is out there and take it slow.

People can and do find good love after an abusive relationship. You can too!

Why It’s So Hard to Let Go of Love After a Divorce

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The paperwork has been filed, the assets divided, the move out done and yet you are still struggling to let go of love after a divorce.

It ‘ s the ultimate irony. You have been left, your finances are probably decimated, your family has been torn apart and yet you still love your ex. And you don ‘ t like that you do.

There are reasons that it ‘ s so hard to let go of love after a divorce. If you understand what they are, you might find it easier to accept what has happened and move forward in a way that doesn ‘ t involve regret and loss but instead happiness and hope.

#1 – Broken vows.

I remember when I asked my husband for a divorce. He said that we had taken vows that he wouldn ‘ t break. I thought that idea ridiculous but the talk of divorce stopped for a while.

5 years later, he asked for a divorce and I was devastated. When he asked, the broken vows weren ‘ t addressed even for a minute. But, in my head, those vows were there, making it hard for me to let go of love for him.

We had stood up in front of 150 of our friends and family and promised to love each other for ever. In sickness and health and until the fat lady sings. And now he was walking away and I was embarrassed. Embarrassed that he would walk away, for another woman, one he paraded out in public with alarming speed.

My mother was also furious at the broken vows. He had promised her that he would always take care of me and he had let her down. She talked on and on about this betrayal which didn ‘ t help me move on.

My husband of 20 years had broken a promise to me, a promise that kept me tied to him for some time after our split, unable to let go of love after a divorce and feeling somewhat broken.

#2 – Letting go of dreams for the future.

We had been married for 20 years and our kids were headed out to college. We had been talking for years that if we could just make it through these difficult child rearing times we would have a ton of fun. We had always really enjoyed each other before kids and hoped that we could find our way back to each other again.

When he left, 48 hours after our son went off to school, those dreams for the future were immediately dashed. The picture of us traveling together, buying a house in the country, reaping the financial fruits of our years of hard work – all went up in smoke in a single moment.

Letting go of those dreams made it really hard for me to let go of love after a divorce. I no longer had dreams for the future – instead I had hopelessness and fear because the future was so unclear. What was I going to do, how was I going to build a new family for my kids, what would happen when my alimony stopped? I was scared and I constantly thought that if only he still loved me my future would be clear again.

#3 – Letting go of family.

I always loved our little family of four. We were all very close. Every night we had a family dinner that involved lively conversation. We had moved to Tokyo as a family and travelled extensively while we were there. We had a little house by the ocean, our kids were excelling at school and my husband and I were both very successful in our careers and our finances were secure.

When my husband told me he wanted a divorce, our family was destroyed in one fell swoop. The family that I had worked so hard to ensure that it was healthy, a family that travelled and laughed and supported each other. It was my life ‘ s work and it was destroyed.

I know that it was hard for me to let go of love after a divorce because the image of our connected family was such an important one. I believed that if we could rebuild our relationship, that if we could love each other, our family would be rebuilt and happy again.

#4 – Fear of being alone.

I know that one of the worst parts of getting divorce was that, after 20 years, 18 of them raising kids, I was suddenly alone. My kids were off at school and my husband was gone. My days, long filled with making lunches, driving everyone around, supporting my husband, were empty. And I couldn ‘ t see how I could possible rebuild them.

It was also so hard for me to see a future with another person. I got right onto dating sites and, while I met some great guys, none of them were the guy for me. Would I, I often wondered, be alone forever?

I had loved my husband and the life that we built and I had a hard time letting go of those emotions. In fact, with every disastrous date, I would go back to the love and companionship that my ex and I shared and wish it was alive again. If it only was, I would no longer be alone.

#5 – Believing you can fix things.

I remember that from the moment my ex asked for a divorce, I believed that I would be able to fix our marriage. I believed that with enough love and sex and fun, our marriage would be saved and we would live happily ever after.

But that wasn ‘ t to be.

As I have alluded to in this article, one of the reasons that I held on to love for my ex was that I believed that I could fix things if I loved him enough. That if I loved him he wouldn ‘ t walk away from our family, that our dreams for the future would happen and that I wouldn ‘ t be alone. I held on to that hope for so long that it made it increasingly hard to let go of love after a divorce.

It can be incredibly hard to let go of love after a divorce.

Marriage is something that we all hoped and dreamed for as we grew up. The idea of having a team mate in life, someone who would always have your back, who would love you unconditionally, was compelling. When marriage is broken, all of those comforts disappear.

I do believe that, if you can recognize that what you are in fact holding onto is not love for your ex but dismay at your broken vows, the loss of your dreams for the future, your sadness at the destruction of your family, your fear of being alone and your belief that your marriage is still fixable, you will be able to move on in a healthy way.

All of those things that you are mourning are things that you can have with another person. It might take some time and effort, but that person is out there for you. You don ‘ t have to hold onto love for someone who no longer loves you because your life is still a promising one, out there waiting for you to start living it again.

You can let go of this love and move forward. And you will get your happily ever after if you do.

5 Ways Healthy Relationships Start on the First Date

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I know that you probably don ‘ t want to hear this because you are already feeling like you are under a lot of pressure but healthy relationships start on the first date.

I know that this might seem contrary to what you might have heard – that first dates aren ‘ t a big deal, to just roll with it. And this is, to some extent, true – first dates ARE meant to be fun.

That being said, a lot can be revealed on a first date, things that are markers for whether your relationship, if one happens, will be healthy one.

What kind of things, you ask?

Here are 5 ways healthy relationships start on the first date.

#1 – Honesty.

The number one most important part of any healthy relationship is honesty. Knowing that you can tell you partner anything, and they the same with you, because honesty is how you work things out in relationships. Even if it leads to an argument, honesty is still important because it gets things out on the table, good or bad, to be addressed.

If you go into a date thinking that there are some things that you aren ‘ t going to be honest about because they are things that might embarrass you or that you feel ashamed of, you are going to doom your relationship from the start.

I have a client whose boyfriend told her, on the first date, that he worked for himself, doing consultant work. She entered into the relationship with someone she thought was her financial equal. As the relationship grew and they spent more time together, she realized that he did in fact do a little consultant work but, really, he wasn ‘ t working more than a few hours a week.

Because she was already attached to this man, finding out about this was devastating. She loved him but she just couldn ‘ t be in a relationship with a man who she had to buy dinner for every time. Furthermore, he didn ‘ t even have the ambition to start working more which she found incredibly unattractive. She has said to me many times – ‘ ˜If I had known this from the start I never would have gotten involved with him. ‘

So, be honest on your first date. If you aren ‘ t it might doom your relationship before it even starts.

#2 – Transparency.

For many reasons, we sometimes don ‘ t bring our true selves in to a first date.

Whether it is because we are shy or cocky or insecure or we are trying to hide something, we go into a first date being something that we are not.

How many times have you had a first date with someone who seemed so laid back that you found her compelling, only to learn down the line that she was as wound up as they come and exhausting to be with. Or how about that time when you meet someone who says they aren ‘ t intimidated by your success but then turn out to be exactly that.

How can you start a relationship with someone who isn ‘ t who they present themselves to be? You can ‘ t! And this is one way that healthy relationships start on the first date – if you can ‘ t be yourself, the person you are sitting across from will fall for someone who isn ‘ t real.

How long do you think that will last?

#3 – Chemistry.

You know when you meet someone online and you are really excited to meet them and then, when you finally do, there is no chemistry. And then everyone tells you to go on another date, just to see if things are better the second time. And sometimes they are. But more often than not, they aren ‘ t.

Attraction is a very important part of a first date. We don ‘ t know exactly why chemistry exists between people but it does and it ‘ s an essential part of keeping a relationship healthy. And if you find it doesn ‘ t exist on the first date, you might find that your healthy relationship might not ever get beyond the starting gate.

I remember when I met my boyfriend. A friend had shared his picture with me but I wasn ‘ t interested because he had a mustache. When I did meet this guy, the chemistry between us was huge – in spite of the mustache.

We were only friends for a while before we dated but the chemistry was there for us from the start.

So, if the chemistry isn ‘ t there for you at all on the first date, consider a second date but don ‘ t take it any further than that if that attraction doesn ‘ t ignite.

#4 – Connection.

Yes, chemistry is an amazing thing and it feels good, but it ‘ s not the only thing that is important to have on a first date. It is also important to have a connection.

I remember a date I had with a guy. We met for ice cream at Riverside Park in NYC. I was immediately attracted to him and he to me. We spent a few hours together, talking and walking. At the end of the walk he pointed out to me that we had agreed on absolutely nothing that we had talked about. I felt more like we were sparring over issues in a good-natured way but the truth was that we didn ‘ t agree on anything.

After he said that he asked me if I would have sex with him anyway. I politely declined. I knew that just having chemistry wasn ‘ t going to get us any more than a one-night stand, something I wasn ‘ t interested in.

So, pay attention on your first date. Even if the attraction is there do your personalities, interests and beliefs match? Could you see yourself bringing this person home to your family? To meet your friends?

Connection is a huge reason why healthy relationships start on the first date – without it, you will struggle to be happy right from the beginning.

#5 – Red flags.

Ah yes. Red flags. Somethings that are almost always there and somethings that we usually ignore, in spite of our instincts.

You know what I mean – the things that you see in someone pretty darn quickly, things that give you pause and you wonder what that says about this person. But usually you just gloss over that moment, thinking that it ‘ s not a big deal and that even if it is you can probably change them anyway.

On another first date, with a guy who I connected with in a big way and with whom the chemistry was huge, he told me a few things right away that I should have paid attention to. He had taken his wife to court to not have to pay child support and he was estranged from his brother. Both of those things made me pause but I chose to ignore them because things were going so well.

In the end, however, it was his personality traits that led to those two things broke us up. I learned that he was very difficult around money, sometimes manically, and that his relationship with his brother had broken down over his mismanagement of a business they shared. I had a hard time trusting him because I felt like he didn ‘ t step up to the plate and take care of his family. And I had to leave him, which was heartbreaking.

So, if you see any red flags on your first date, make note of them. Don ‘ t ignore them. You can proceed with a second date, should you choose, but keep those flags front and center in your mind as you move forward.

It ‘ s funny to think that healthy relationships start on the first date.

We usually consider first dates to just be an easy fun thing, and they should be, but they are also great indicators of what a healthy relationship might look like going forward.

On your next first date, make sure that you are being honest and being yourself. Make sure that you feel like there is an honest attraction and connection and don ‘ t ignore any red flags that might pop up along the way!

First dates are fun but wouldn ‘ t it be nice to have your next first date be your last? It might be if you bring your authentic self to the table and are, in turn, met in kind.

You can do it!

5 Reasons You Can’t Stop Hurting after a Break Up

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The fact that you can’t stop hurting after a break up is natural. But it doesn’t have to last forever!

Are you wondering why you can ‘ t stop hurting after a break up?

Are you totally miserable, having a hard time getting past it and wondering why?

If you can ‘ t stop hurting after break up know that you are not alone. Letting go of love is challenging and takes time and good for you for taking the steps to figure out why you are feeling this way so that you can let go of the pain and get on with your life.

While it ‘ s not surprising that you are still hurting because your heart has been damaged, there are other, sometimes surprising, reasons you can ‘ t stop hurting after a break up and those reasons might be easier to manage if you have some awareness about them.

Here are 5 surprising reasons why you are still hurting after letting go of love.

#1 – Fear of never being loved again.

When we are going through the pain of a break up we are experiencing fear in many forms.

We are afraid that we will be forever alone, that no one will ever love us again. We are afraid that we are unlovable. We are afraid that we are flawed. We are afraid that we will never be happy. We are afraid that our dreams of marriage and a family will never come true.

These fears are certainly understandable but, fortunately, they are mostly like completely unfounded even if they feel really true to you in this moment.

I have never yet met someone who broke up with someone and never found another person to love. There are millions of people out there and at least one more of them is out there waiting for you.

You are definitely not unloveable or flawed – you just weren ‘ t well matched with your ex.

You will be happy again. I know that it ‘ s hard to imagine right now as you go through the pain of a break up but you will be!

And there is still plenty of time for your dreams to come true.

One of the reasons we feel so much pain is because of our fear. It can be hard to manage but it can be easier to push back on if we are aware of exactly what we are afraid of! So, take a look at what you are afraid of and question if what you fear is really true.

#2 – You are feeling lonely and bored.

I know, you can ‘ t stop hurting after a break up and you believe that you will never be happy again. And these feelings are warranted. But I would also argue that a lot of your pain comes from sheer loneliness and boredom.

When we break up with someone, we lose a playmate. Someone to watch TV with, to go out to dinner with, to fool around with, to just hang out with during those down times. And now you don ‘ t have that person.

For a lot of people, when they are feeling depressed after a break up, they stop doing things. They don ‘ t feel like doing things because they are depressed but they also aren ‘ t used to doing things without their person so they don ‘ t do anything at all. As a result, they are bored and lonely and they spend lots of time thinking about their ex and they get depressed.

I would encourage you to do whatever you can to keep yourself busy. I was just talking to a client who said that just taking a trip to Starbucks brightened her day, at least temporarily. Sitting at home, obsessing, was sucking the life out of her!

I know it ‘ s hard during these times of Covid to keep yourself busy but now is the time to work to do so. Facetime with friends, read books, get into shape, learn something new, watch rom-coms with your mom, whatever you can do to keep yourself busy and not bored.

Honestly, you might not be missing your ex as much as you think you are and keeping yourself busy might prove that!

#3 – You feel like you wasted so much time.

It ‘ s interesting – many of my clients can ‘ t stop hurting after a break up because they lament the time that they invested in their ex. Everyone has hopes and dreams and when they lose someone, they feel like they have had to let go of their hopes and dreams forever.

Many people stay in relationships that aren ‘ t serving them because they have ‘ ˜invested so much time already. ‘ They don ‘ t want to have to go back to online dating and start all over again. So, they stay. And then, when the relationship eventually fails anyway, they have wasted even more time.

Furthermore, people who can ‘ t stop hurting after a break up are often preoccupied with the fact that they had to let go of hopes and dreams about this relationship and they rue spending so much time trying to achieve those hopes and dreams that they didn ‘ t see the reality of their unhappy relationship.

If you are obsessing about the time wasted in a relationship with your ex, let it go. Yes, it ultimately didn ‘ t work out but I am guessing that you had some really good times and perhaps you have even learned some things about yourself that will help you in future relationships.

#4 – You question who you are in the world.

Many of us don ‘ t realize that when we are feeling depressed after a break up it ‘ s because we are feeling so badly about ourselves.

If we are left by someone, we question why we weren ‘ t good enough. If we do the leaving, we wonder what is wrong with us that we can ‘ t find a steady relationship. We truly believe that we are flawed in some deep way and that we will never be happy with someone and get the things we want in our lives.

Let me tell you, there is NOTHING wrong with you. Yes, you weren ‘ t well matched with your ex but that doesn ‘ t mean you are flawed. Of course, I encourage everyone to take a good look at themselves and see what they have learned over the course of the relationship but that doesn ‘ t mean that you are damaged or unloveable in any way just that you, like everyone, are a work in progress and a human being.

You are how you are. If someone doesn ‘ t see how amazing you are, they aren ‘ t worthy of you. If you chose a partner in error, remember we all make mistakes.

The important thing is to pick yourself back up, have faith in yourself and your ability to connect and keep on looking for your happily ever after! You are absolutely worthy of a happily ever after!

#5 – The Big Picture.

One of things that people really don ‘ t notice when can ‘ t stop hurting after a break up is that there is a whole lot more depressing stuff going on in the world. And those things make our pain over the break up worse.

I have a client who is struggling big time with a broken heart and every day focuses in on it being the source of her depression. The reality is is that she is also struggling with a daughter she is estranged from, job insecurity and Covid-19. Those are all things that are mostly out of her control so it ‘ s hard to face them. And when she feels badly about them, she defaults back to ruminating about her break up. Instead of understanding that she has a lot of challenges in the world, she blames all of her unhappiness on her broken heart.

So, ask yourself, what are you struggling with these days, other than your break up? Are some of those things things that you haven ‘ t dealt with because focusing on your broken heart is easier? If the answer is yes, understand that part of the pain that you are feeling are those things and not just your broken heart!

The fact that you can ‘ t stop hurting after a break up is totally natural. It ‘ s not fun but it ‘ s natural.

It is surprising that often times what we feel is causing so much pain, the end of our relationship, is not necessarily the only thing that is making us depressed.

We are depressed because we are afraid of the future, because we are bored, because we are struggling with wasted time and self doubt and because the world is damn hard place to cope with these days.

So, as you ride out your broken heart, take stock of these 5 surprising reasons you can ‘ t stop hurting after a break up and know that you will get through this time and out the other side better than ever!

You can do it!

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