5 Helpful Tips For Setting Boundaries In Your Marriage

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Have you just walked down the aisle with the most amazing person and are you now looking for helpful tips for setting boundaries in your marriage?

Good for you for being proactive and let me help!

Healthy boundaries are very important in any healthy marriage. But what are boundaries, exactly?

To understand healthy relationship boundaries, look at the four walls of your house. Those walls are the structure that holds your life together. They hold your food and your bed and your possessions and it ‘ s where you live your life.

Healthy relationship boundaries are the same as those four walls of your house. They are the things that support your relationship as it grows. To have a healthy marriage, one that can grow and be fruitful, it is important that it has structures, boundaries, that support it.

Healthy relationship boundaries come in many shapes, sizes and colors and they are essential and appropriate for every relationship, whether it be new and exciting or more settled and safe, like marriage.

Now that you know what boundaries are let ‘ s talk about how to get them.

#1 – Look at individual needs.

The best place to start when setting boundaries in your marriage is for each of you to look at your own individual needs. A key part of identifying potential boundaries is for each of you to see what is important for your own individual happiness.

I know, in my relationship, what is important to me is that I have quality time with my partner every day. I also know that I want to be given the freedom to pursue my hobbies and my interests, I want to have openness and transparency in our communication and I want to be treated with respect.

Knowing what I need in my marriage allows me to understand what the composition of my boundary walls should be. If I didn ‘ t do that consideration, and figure out what is important to me, then I might have built those walls out of things that weren ‘ t strong enough to frame my marriage and that might cause those walls to fail.

So, both of you, take some time and identify what is important to you as an individual in your marriage.

#2 – Compare lists.

Once you have each individually defined your needs it is time for you to share those needs with your partner.

I took my list to my partner and I was not surprised to learn that our two lists overlapped. It was very important to him that he have time to spend pursuing his hobbies, mainly skiing and woodworking. It was also important to him that he spends time with his mother, that we don’t yell at each other when angry and that we not to be rigid in our boundaries.

It was good for us to compare our lists because by doing so we had a conversation about what was important for each of us, raising awareness that we could use for creating boundaries and, as we go forward, living our life together.

I know, with my ex-husband, we never did this. We just entered into married life with no thought as to what it would look like and, within a few years, we were both drowning, confused and at a loss as to what was going wrong.

#3 – Set priorities.

Once you have merged your lists, it ‘ s important that you set priorities. Sometimes it ‘ s impossible to accommodate every one of each other ‘ s needs but it ‘ s important that everybody ‘ s most important needs are met.

For me, my most important needs were face-to-face, regular quality time and being honest with each other. For my partner, it was important to him that he could spend time on his own and that yelling at each other would be taboo.

Of course, the other things, like his mother and my need for effective communication, are important and part of our definition of our boundaries but we both expressed what were deal breakers in the composition of our boundary walls. We knew that these priorities would be respected and, if they were, our marriage would be stronger.

#4 – Define success.

A very important thing to do, once you have defined your boundaries and set your priorities, is to write down what success would look like. Specifically.

For me, regular face-to-face quality time meant that for at least 15 minutes every night we put down our phones and our computers and turn away from the television and look each other in the eye and talk to each other. For my partner, being able to ski two weekends a month and working in his woodshop on Sunday mornings would be important to him.

It is essential that each of you understand specifically what the other sees as success. For many of us, we just guess at what our partner wants from us and, because of that, sometimes we fail.

So, be as specific with each other as you can. Set yourselves up for success.

#5 – Put it in writing.

The final step for setting boundaries in your marriage is to write it all down.

Conversations are great but putting what you discussed in writing allows you both to more clearly see, and remember, the boundaries that you have established. You can refer to them when you ‘ re questioning what they might be and trying to remember what they look like specifically.

So, write them down and keep them some place where you both have easy access. As your marriage moves on through the months and years, you should regularly revisit the boundaries that you have set, updating them as necessary and re-familiarizing yourself with what they look like.

There is nothing better than writing things down to keep us accountable and familiar.

Setting boundaries in your marriage is an essential part of setting yourself up for success.

Marriages are long and they can be challenging and doing whatever work you can do ahead of time is key.

Work individually to define what you want, come together to see where you overlap and are different, set your priorities, define successes and write it all down.

Doing these things early in your marriage will help ensure a long, healthy, happy marriage, the kind you committed yourself to on the altar that day.

You can do it!

Are you struggling with setting boundaries in your marriage?
I know it can be really, really hard. Let me help!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

Why Your Guy Says He Doesn’t Love You But Keeps Coming Back

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Do you have a guy who says he doesn ‘ t love you but keeps coming back?

Does he tell you that it ‘ s over and walk out only to return a few days or weeks later, smiling and charming?

Is this happening over and over, leaving you confused and unhappy?

This tendency, to declare that you don ‘ t love someone but to be unable to stay away, is known as yo-yoing. And, in spite of it ‘ s playful name, yo-yoing can be devastating and confusing.

Yo-yoing is when a person thinks that they no longer want to be with somebody, and they declare it, but have a hard time staying away. This leads the person on the other end not knowing what the hell is going on and being left in limbo.

So, why does your guy do this? Let me tell you.

#1 – He gets lonely.

It is the human condition to want to be part of a pair. Being alone is, for many of us, not a comfortable place.

If your guy tells you that he doesn ‘ t love you and no longer wants to be with you but keeps coming back then it is possible that he is simply lonely.

He knows that he doesn ‘ t want to be with you but, because he is unable to fill the space that is left in your absence, he keeps coming back so that he won ‘ t be alone.

And you probably let him come back because you aren ‘ t enjoying being alone either.

So, if your guy keeps coming back, it could very well be not because of you but because he doesn ‘ t want to be alone.

#2 – He is insecure.

A guy who says he doesn ‘ t love you but keeps coming back is a guy who is most likely very insecure.

A guy who is insecure is not clear in his decisions. He says he doesn ‘ t love you but he then wavers, wondering if he ‘ s made the right choice. He could come back hoping that things could be different.. He is constantly second guessing himself and pulling you into it.

Guys who are secure are more definitive in their decisions and more apt to follow through on them. The guy who is secure will make his decision and move on.

Furthermore, a guy who keeps yo-yoing you could be a guy who feels insecure with his place in the world. Not being in a couple could make him feel unsafe and unwanted. The idea of trying to find another person to date might be just too overwhelming and, as a result, he comes back to you, hoping to make it work so that he can feel better about himself.

Is your guy insecure? If yes, that could be a big reason why he keeps coming back.

#3 – He wants to have sex.

This will be no surprise to any of you – guys want, no need, to have sex.

When your guy says he doesn ‘ t love you but keeps coming back he could very well be coming back just for the sex.

I have a client who wanted a divorce from his wife and he moved out. In spite of this, he regularly had sex with her. I asked him why and he said ‘ ˜Why would I not take any opportunity to have sex? ‘ This man is a good guy but he just didn ‘ t understand that, for women, sex is about connection and having sex with her was signal that he might be coming back to her. Once heunderstood that having sex with her was leading her to believe they had a chance, he stopped doing so. He wasn ‘ t happy to be going without sex but he knew that he didn ‘ t want to lead her on.

So, when your guy reappears, does he do so for sex? Think about it.

#4 – He can ‘ t break the habit of you.

One thing that ‘ s very interesting about breakups is that one of the reasons they are so difficult to stick to is because of the habits that we have created in our relationships.

By habits I mean those things that you do together regularly. Maybe it ‘ s Wednesday night movies, or Saturday trips to museums or lunch time meetings at the sushi place. These are things do you guys enjoyed doing together. When you are no longer together, those spaces and time are left empty and might be difficult to fill.

So, if your guy keeps coming back, it might be because he can ‘ t break those habits. Because they have been so ingrained in the fabric of his life that he doesn ‘ t want to let them go.

#5 – He wants to work things out.

Of course, sometimes guys come back because they genuinely want to work things out. He generally wants to make a life with you. And when that happens, and you want to work things out too, I encourage you to greet him with open arms. And caution.

It is important, if your guy comes back because he wants to work things out, that you guys talk about what went wrong in your relationship. That you both completely understand any issues that might have developed over time and that you make a plan, together, to do things differently.

You can stop the yo-yoing by doing things differently. History repeats itself over and over until we take steps to make change. Take a good hard look at your relationship, see what went wrong and work together to make those things right.

You can do it.

When your guy says he doesn ‘ t love you but keeps coming back it can almost be worse than him disappearing altogether.

If your guy disappears from your life, it’s easier to get over him and to move on but if he keeps showing up at your door with his handsome face you ‘ ll just get sucked back in and the pain will continue.

So, take a good look at what happens when your guy comes back. Is he doing it because he feels lonely or because he can ‘ t break the habit or he because just wants to get laid? Is he feeling insecure about his place in the world and needs you to help him feel better about himself? Or perhaps he really genuinely wants to try to work it out.

Ask these questions before you open that door. Knowing the answers, and acting on them, could prevent a whole lot of pain.

If you are still reading you must have a guy who is yo-yoing you big time.

Let me help you figure it out, NOW, before he messes with you any more.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started.

5 Strategies For Surviving The Guilt Of Infidelity

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Have you recently had an affair, or perhaps are you in the middle of one? If you are I know you ‘ re struggling, looking for ideas for surviving the guilt of infidelity.

I have had many clients who have had affairs and, while from the outside they might seem sexy and exciting, from the inside they ‘ re scary, overwhelming and fraught with guilt. That ‘ s not to say the sex isn ‘ t good but the guilt that comes with having an affair can sometimes be more than you can bear.

Fortunately, I have many clients who have been able to let go of the guilt they struggle with. Let me help you do the same.

#1 – Accept that you are human.

One thing that we all forget about is that we are only human.

We are raised to think that we are special, that we are different, that we can handle things that other people can ‘ t. And while to some extent this might be true, because everybody IS different, the truth of the matter is that we are all only human and we make mistakes.

People who have affairs are People who are often not happy with their lives. More likely than not, people who have affairs are struggling both in their personal lives and in their relationships. They don ‘ t feel good about themselves and/or they are struggling to find happiness with their partner.

It ‘ s a horrible, horrible place to be and, if you are in that place, what I suggest is that you cut yourself some slack. You are only human. You are going to make mistakes. 

You are a person in the world, one trying to manage the insecurity and unhappiness in your life in a way that allows you to survive. Some people drink too much, some people eat too much, some people drive their cars too fast and some people have affairs.

You are not alone in the world. Plenty of other people are having affairs right now and feeling the same sort of guilt you are. So, let yourself off the hook, know that you are a good person but that you have made a bad choice.

We all make bad choices sometimes and none of us should be forever condemned for it.

#2 – Recognize that it ‘ s not all your fault.

I know you think that this affair is all your fault. You are the one who met someone else, developed a connection with that person and perhaps embarked down the road to a sexual relationship. Yes, you did that.

But you didn ‘ t do it in a void. As I stated above, people who are having affairs are often people who are deeply unhappy in their relationship. And they aren ‘ t the only person in that relationship.

Relationships are comprised of two people and two people are responsible when relationships start to suffer. Perhaps your husband works all the time and you are lonely. Or perhaps your wife has become detached and refuses to talk to you. You feel like you ‘ ve tried to fix things but you haven ‘ t had much success.

Most people don ‘ t intend to have affairs. They just happen. And they happen when people are vulnerable. All of my clients who have had affairs are people who were in a relationship that wasn ‘ t working and it wasn ‘ t working because the TWO people in the relationship were not willing, or able, to repair it. And then infidelity can happen.

Yesterday, I was talking to a client of mine who carries a tremendous amount of guilt about an affair he had and I asked him to think about why he had an affair. What was going on in his relationship that gave him the space to have an affair? He responded by saying ‘ ˜Nothing. My wife is perfect and the affair was all my fault. ‘ I pushed back and we dug a little deeper and we realized that she repeatedly did things that made him feel insecure about himself and that led him to move towards someone who thought he was amazing.

So, please try to understand that your affair is not all your fault. Understanding that will help you manage the guilt that you are struggling with.

#3 – Get some help.

For many people who have had affairs, the prospect of reaching out to get some professional help is unthinkable.

People who have had affairs are racked with guilt and self-loathing and to admit what they have done just seems more then they can bear.

I can promise you that therapists, psychologists and life coaches have seen it all and will absolutely not judge you if you disclose that you ‘ re having an affair. I can promise you that they will look at you with understanding and be able to help you do the work that needs be done to help you manage your guilt.

Another source of excellent help are others who have also survived infidelity. Only people who have experienced infidelity can really understand what it ‘ s all about. Having someone who has been through it can help you understand and manage your emotions in a way that will help you let it go.

Find a support group for people who have survived infidelity. The sharing could change your life.

Please, reach out today. Don ‘ t go through this alone.

#4 – Stop fooling around.

The key piece of surviving the guilt of infidelity is to stop being unfaithful.

You can use all the techniques that I have described above and they will help you manage your guilt but they won ‘ t help you let it go completely.

The only way to stop truly feeling guilty about having an affair is to stop having one.

I know, I know. That ‘ s way easier said than done. But it is possible and doing so is the best thing that you can do to stop that guilt cold in it tracks.

#5 – Rebuild your relationship.

Rebuilding your relationship after having affair might seem like an impossible thing to do, and it just might be, but if you can do it successfully you have the best chance of surviving the guilt of infidelity.

Think about when you are doing a project and you make a big mistake and everything goes wrong but in the end the project is successful. It ‘ s the same thing with a marriage that has been rocked by infidelity. The rocking doesn ‘ t have to cause the ship to sink. If you can manage the rock and keep the relationship afloat and moving forward then all ‘ s well that ends well.

Imagine how good it would feel to be back in your relationship, safe, solid and happy.

Right now, surviving the guilt of infidelity might seem impossible but it doesn ‘ t have to be.

I know for days, weeks, months or perhaps longer you have been racked with the guilt of what you are doing but it doesn ‘ t have to be that way.

Recognize that you are only human, know that it ‘ s not all your fault, get yourself some help, end your affair and work to rebuild your relationship.

If you can do these things then you will survive the guilt of your transgression and might even end up in a better relationship as a result. How great would that be?

Get started now. You can do it!

If you have read this far you must be really struggling with your guilt.

Let me help you, NOW, before it becomes just too much to bear.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started.

Why Does Letting Go Of Someone Who Doesn’t Love You Hurt So Much?

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Why, oh, why does letting go of someone who doesn ‘ t love you hurt so much? Why do we struggle so much to accept that our relationship is over and to just move on?

A few years back I was in a relationship with a man who didn ‘ t love me anymore. He told me over and over that this was the case and would break up with me but then we would reconnect for some reason, get back together and then start the process all over again.

And then he left, left for good. For someone else. And I was devastated.

Looking back, I have wondered why this was so. Why couldn ‘ t I just let go? I think I havefigured it out and want to share with you what I have learned.

#1 – We believe that we are soulmates.

Do you believe that the relationship that you share with your man islike none other? That you are soulmates? That the intense passion and connection that you share cannot compare with anyone else ‘ s relationship and that letting it go would be such a waste?

Let me tell you, EVERYONE feels that way about their relationship. I hate to burst your bubble but, while the love you have for this man might be strong, it ‘ s not the ultimate love in the world and letting go of it will not be the end of it.

I read a quote once. ‘ I am no expert on love but I am pretty sure that the guy making you cry everyday isn ‘ t your soulmate ‘ So true!

As a matter of fact, if you can let go of someone who doesn ‘ t love you then you are WAY more likely to find a connection that is real and wonderful and magic. The kind of connection you long for.

#2 – We get stuck in the past.

If there is one thing that I hear over and over from clients who are trying to let go of love is that they are clinging to the memory of how it was in the beginning.

Remember the beginning? When you first met and things were wonderful. You couldn ‘ t get enough of each other, would stay up all night talking, had great sex and promised each other that you would be together forever.

And then, over a period of time, things started to go wrong and those wonderful things that made you so happy slowly disappear. The reality of the relationship starts to show it ‘ s face and, instead of seeing it for what it is, many people hold on to what was.

I wish we could just go back to the way we were in the beginningI hear all the time. But there is never any going back. Even healthy relationships aren ‘ t the same as they were in the beginning. They just can ‘ t be. The beginning is the beginning and that electricity is just not sustainable, whether it ‘ s in a healthy relationship or an unhealthy one.

So, if you are holding on to how things were, know that how things ARE is most likely how things will be going forward. Understanding this might give you some clarity that letting go of someone who doesn ‘ t love you might be your best option.

#3 – We are frightened of being alone.

It is the human condition to want to be in a pair. To have someone to share one ‘ s life and experiences with. That is the goal.

Unfortunately, for many of us, we are willing to settle for ‘ ˜good enough ‘ when it comes to finding the other half of our twosome. We believe that if we let go of the ‘ ˜bird in hand ‘ that we will NEVER find another man to love. The prospect of putting ourselves out there again so that we can find that person is overwhelmingly daunting. So, we hold onto the one we have now. Not matter how bad they are for us.

Let me tell you, from decades of personal and professional experience, that there is always another person out there for us. We might not find them right away but we will NEVER find them if we stay in the relationship that we are in.

So, if you are holding on to this guy who doesn ‘ t love because you believe that if you let him go you will always be alone, let me tell you that you won ‘ t! There is a guy out there for you, a guy who will be your perfect half, who will make you whole.

#4 – We have low self-esteem.

I can ‘ t tell you how many of my clients who have trouble letting go of someone who doesn ‘ t love them have very low self-esteem.

They just don ‘ t believe that they are worthy of being truly loved and, if they do, they have no idea how to go out and find it.

For many of us, getting to the place where our person doesn ‘ t love is back isn ‘ t a quick one. It involves the initial stages of big love and romance and then slowly we slide down to a spot in which we are no longer loved. On the way we often give up a lot of ourselves trying to make things right and, when they don ‘ t, we are left feeling worthless. And feel like if we are worthless then no one will love us again. And the truth is, if we are feeling worthless, we might not attract the kind of guy we want to attract.

For me, part of letting go of my guy was focusing on my business. I was able to redirect the pain of letting go of the relationship into something that made me feel really good about myself. And feeling good about myself allowed me to let him go and find someone who sees just how awesome I am.

#5 – We can ‘ t break the pattern.

I can ‘ t overemphasize enoughhow big a role patterns play in our lives.

Think about your daily routines and patterns and how off you feel those days that your routines are broken. Like if you always have breakfast before you head out the door and one day you just can ‘ t and how you just don ‘ t feel yourself for the rest of the day.

Now imagine this in relationship. When a relationship is new and good we establish patterns and routines with our partners. And those patterns and routines become entrenched in our brains. Breaking them can be nearly impossible.

Do you imagine what Christmas would be like without your partner? Or wonder who you would go to the movies with on Wednesdays? Does worrying about those things, breaking those patterns, paralyze you to the point that letting go of someone who doesn ‘ t love you seems impossible?

I have since learned that if you can get past that 8 week mark you can break a pattern. Try it. See if you can stay away from your guy for 8 weeks. You can do it!

And I can promise you that you will find someone else to go to the movies with on Wednesdays.

Letting go of someone who doesn ‘ t love you can be very difficult. Probably one of the most difficult things you will ever have to do.

But letting go of someone who doesn ‘ t love you isvery important for a happy life. Can you imagine spending the rest of your life living with someone who doesn ‘ t think that you are amazing? Who doesn ‘ t tell you and show you he loves you every day?

Could you ever be happy if the rest of your life is the same as your life today?

I know that, for me, finally getting away from the guy who didn ‘ t love me was the best thing that ever happened to me. It gave me strength and focus to build my business and my self-esteem. It made me understand that I could break patterns and not only survive but thrive. I learned that I was okay being alone and that while to me our love was special, really there is other, better love in this world.

So, what are you waiting for? Letting go of someone who doesn ‘ t love you is something that you can start doing right now!

If you have made it this far you must really be struggling to get away from someone who doesn ‘ t love you.

Let me help you, NOW, before the you get any more hurt!


Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

5 Things to Know About Marriage Before Your Wedding Day

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Are you getting married? Congrats! And now you are looking for things to know about marriage. Good for you!

Marriage doesn ‘ t come with a manual. I wish it did. Because after the vows have been said, the doves have been released and the dress has been put in dry storage, comes marriage.

And as much as we would like to believe it ‘ s all happily ever after, it often isn ‘ t.

But it CAN be. All you need is some awareness and a willingness to act.

#1 – Communicate, Communicate, Communicate.

One of the most surprising things about many marriages is that after a while communication just stops.

Sure, there are lots of logistical stuff to discuss – when we are coming home for dinner, where the kids ‘ soccer games are, what time we are meeting the in-laws on Sunday.

But real communication, expressing of feelings, frustrations, hopes, dreams and longings, often stop.

Marriage is a 24/7 commitment. During those days, and years, lots of issues can arise, issues that can be hurtful and cause resentment. Instead of being addressed immediately, feelings are often left unsaid. It can just seem too scary to go there, to share how we feel and not know what the response will be. So we don’t.

And then, before we know it, it ‘ s easier to just not say anything, to do the dishes or spend longer at the office, doing anything to avoid difficult conversations. We do this assuming that the issues will be dealt with eventually. Like after Christmas, after Memorial Day or when the kids go off to college.

If you only take one thing away from this article it ‘ s this: keep communicating. Your marriage, and your life, will be better if you do.

#2 – Have lots of sex.

I know newlyweds will laugh now at the prospect of no longer having sex with their partner. ‘ That won ‘ t be us, ‘ they say.

But it very well could be.

We know that anger and resentment can build in a marriage because of unexpressed feelings. For a woman, there is no better libido killer than anger and resentment. And there is no better way to create anger and resentment in a man than the absence of sex.

Intimacy is key to maintaining closeness in a marriage. Touching, kissing, feeling loved and having orgasms are all a big part of this. Marriage without sex is simply a business arrangement.

So push past the anger and resentment and make love with your partner. Or, better yet, kill the anger and resentment with communication and happily make love every night.

You will be happy you did, both in the moment and long term.

#3 – Remember to respect each other.

There is a concept called the ‘ contempt of the familiar. ‘ This contempt occurs when people get to know each other very well. Too well perhaps. We know how the other person looks when flossing their teeth, how they leave their pants hanging on the door, how they slurp their coffee or that they fart in bed.

Perhaps at one time you thought these things cute but now, as time has gone by, they drive you nuts. They might even repel you.

Mutual respect is a key to any successful marriage. Your partner ‘ s mannerisms or ways of doing things might not jive with your own and this can lead to developing a dislike of who they are. And if you don’t like someone it’s hard to respect them.

Have I mentioned yet the importance of communication?

Tell your partner that something they are doing is making it difficult for you to be with them. Don ‘ t just write them off as a lost cause, thinking ‘ if they loved me they would do this differently. ‘ We are all human beings trying to do the best that we can and if you are honest with yourself you know that they aren’t doing any of those things to spite you. They just do them. And can change if asked. Nicely.

Give your partner a chance to keep your respect and allow them to keep respecting you in return.

And sex is way better when you respect your partner. In case you didn’t know.

#4 – Don ‘ t let your extended family get in the way of your new one.

No matter how old we are when we get married, we have many years of experience and tradition with our extended families. Holidays spent just so, toilet paper rolls that roll out on top instead of under, sarcasm that is part of every family get together.

The extended family is wonderful and part of who we are but the priority now is the new family. The one we are creating with our partner.

Of course it ‘ s important to respect our family traditions but if doing so is at the expense of the new relationship it needs to be addressed. If the birthday tradition on one side is the whole family gathered and lots of gifts exchanged and the birthday tradition on the other side involves quietly celebrating with friends then a conversation needs to be had.

Have I mentioned yet the importance of communication?

Both sides of the family need to be told, respectfully, that while all family traditions are important what is important now is how the new family wants to make their own traditions. Compromises might need to be made but it is important that both partners feel like their new life as a couple is their own.

#5 – Know that a baby is going to change everything.

I know! Having a baby is so exciting. From ‘ starting to try, ‘ to nine months of watching it grow, to baby showers and then childbirth (!!) it ‘ s all so wonderful and new and partners are bound closer than ever.

One of the most important things to know about marriage is that when the baby is born and all bets are off.

Like when we get married, no one hands us a manual when we become parents. This means that from day one we are flying by the seat of our pants. Women most often immediately change their focus from their husband to their child. Men are left wondering what happened to their life. Yes, the child is delightful, but dinners together, time with friends, free time for athletics, are all suddenly gone. Not to mention the sex.

It ‘ s important to be aware that the baby is going to change everything and prepare and allow for it. Know that everyone is going to be exhausted, that things are going to be messy, that the next 18 years are going to be an evolution, and a revolution, like you have never been through before.

Commit to making it through those years together. Communicate like you did when you were first married, perhaps even more so, have as much sex as you can squeeze into your week and continue to love and respect each other even as life gets challenging.

It won ‘ t be easy but it will be worth it.

As you do with anything you haven’t done before, researching things to know about marriage before yours starts is very important!

I was married for 20 years and have been divorced for 5. I have spent a lot of time reflecting about what went wrong in my marriage.

What I do know is that we, as a couple, got lost in our family. We gave up who WE were to please everyone else: our kids, our in-laws, our friends. We stopped looking at each other with love, talking about our feelings, hugging each other, respecting each other.

We were business partners. Our family was a successful business but our marriage fell apart.

I am madly in love with a new man now, one I very much hope to marry. And believe me, I won ‘ t make the same mistakes twice.

Marriage is truly a wondrous thing and can be a big part of living the life of your dreams.

So do what I suggest. And don ‘ t ever stop.

If you are still reading your must be getting married and are eager to know what you are getting into.

Good for you! Let me help, NOW, before you walk down the aisle.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or contact me here, and let’s get started.

Why Making Peace With Your Ex Is The Doorway To A Happier Life

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If you had told me a few years back that making peace with your ex was even possible I would have laughed in your face.

My husband left me six years ago for his college girlfriend. We had been married for 20 years and one day he decided that he was just done. Or, rather, that he had found a replacement.

Suddenly, I wasn ‘ t a wife and my kids were off at school so I no longer felt like a mother. I felt like my life was over. I was devastated. And I was very, very angry.

It has taken me a long time to get past the anger I have felt for my ex but I can say that I am so very glad that I was able to do so. Because I was able to do it, my life has become much better place.

How?

#1 – It improved my physical health.

One of the reasons that making peace with your ex is the way to a happier life is because when you can let go of a grudge you become a much healthier person.

People who hold on to grudges, who are chronically angry, are constantly in fight or flight mode. Fight or flight mode results in numerous functional bodily changes including increased heart rate and blood pressure and heightened immune response. Those changes, then, can increase the risk of depression, heart disease and diabetes, among other conditions.

For me, the anger I felt for my ex definitely made my depression worse. My stomach hurt all the time and I lost tons of weight because I wasn ‘ t eating. I contracted Bell ‘ s palsy, a condition that paralyzed the left side of my face. I stopped sleeping and moved around like a zombie.

When my physical conditions started getting so extreme I realized that it was time to let go of the anger. My mother was angry with my father, her ex-husband, for 30 years and she died very young of pancreatic cancer. I didn ‘ t want to end up like her.

So, if you find that the anger you feel is interfering with your physical health, work on letting it go so that you can move on and get healthy.

#2 – It allowed me to feel better about myself.

When my husband left me for another woman, he left me feeling like I was the biggest loser in the world. If he didn ‘ t want me, the person who said he would want me forever, then who would?

I would spend hours at a time obsessing about what he and his woman were doing. Little things would go wrong and I would scream and yell, much like a child would. Whenever my ex and his girlfriend spent time with my kids, I would get so angry and jealous that I would curl up into a little ball and cry.

For quite a while I stumbled around, trying to find my place in the world, being held back by the anger that I felt for him. I tried to build a life for myself and find a new job but I just couldn ‘ t push past my depression and anger and make it happen.

It was only once I let go of my anger and worked on making peace with my ex that I was able to start feeling okay about myself again. I didn ‘ t feel like such a loser. I was able to get off my butt, start a business, start eating well and making new friends. My self-esteem slowly rebuilt itself to where it is today, somewhat off the charts.

#3 – It was great for my kids. And my friends.

If you have children with your ex, making peace with him will be the biggest gift that you can give them.

When their parents split, the matter what age they are, children are confused, angry and hurt. I know that the anger that I felt for my kids ‘ father wasn ‘ t healthy for any of us.

My son refused to talk about anything his father was doing and my daughter tended to over-share, somewhat perversely trying to make me feel better. Neither of those things were good for any of us, particularly for them.

I know that since I have made peace with their father, my kids are so much more willing to share with both of their parents their comings and goings. And this, more than anything, makes me happy.

Even if you don ‘ t have kids, I can promise you that your friends will agree that making peace with your ex is a wonderful thing, if only so that they don ‘ t have to listen to you talk about him anymore. They want to support you, always, but they most likely hate him and want him just to disappear.

#4 – It stopped me from obsessing about the past.

For many of us, we spend more time thinking about the past then we do thinking about our future. And constantly looking in the rearview mirror isn ‘ t good for anybody.

We all live with regrets, with obsessions about what we did wrong, about the messes we made and the things we could have done differently. Spending so much time doing that takes us away from creating a new and better future for ourselves.

I am here to tell you that the past is in the past and there ‘ s nothing we can do to change it. All we can do is to look at what we did, what we experienced, identify what we might have done differently and take that knowledge with us into the future. Being hard on ourselves for past behavior does us no good; it only makes us feel worse.

Once I started looking to the future, and not to the past, I was able to create a clear path for myself, a path that included the business that I wanted to build, the person who I wanted to be in the world and the love I wanted to find.

Instead of wasting time looking backwards, I moved to NYC, built myself a life coaching website, started speaking in public about life and love, started working with people living with mental illness and got out into the dating world.

So, stop wasting time obssessing about things you cannot change and start focusing on things that you can.

#5 – It allowed me to find TRUE LOVE.

When I was able to stop living in the past and start visualizing a future for myself, I knew that making peace with my ex was the best thing that I ever did.

I no longer spent all my time thinking about what happened in my marriage but instead I was able to think clearly about what I wanted for love in my future. I was able to think about what kind of man would be the right man for me. I was able to recognize that I deserved to be with the kind of man who would take care of me and treat me well. I was able to take the steps that I needed to take to find that love.

And guess what? I was able to find him. I found him because my head was up and I was keeping my eyes open instead of always looking inside at what was wrong with me. I found him. The love of my life. I never would ‘ ve found him if I was still really angry with my ex. That I know.

Where is your true love? Could he be just around the corner? Keep your head up and your eyes open, focused on now and on the future, so you can spot him when he appears.

Making peace with your ex might seem impossible right now. And perhaps it is. But making peace with your ex as soon as you can will only make your life a better place.

Holding on to anger and resentment is very bad for your mental and physical health. It keeps you trapped in a cycle of self-loathing. It ‘ s bad for your relationships with your children and your friends. It keeps you from moving forward and finding true love.

So, do what you need to do to work on making peace with your ex. Working with a life coach, like me, someone who ‘ s been through it all and who has helped many women do it themselves is an excellent place to start.

You can do this. It might be hard but it will be worth i

If you have read this far you must really want to make peace with your ex.

Let me help you, NOW, so that you can start TODAY and build better life for yourself!

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

5 Things You Can Do To Show Your Woman You Love Her

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Are you madly in love and want nothing more than to know what you can do to show your woman you love her?

Good for you for knowing how important this is and making the effort to find out what the best way is to do it.

Having been a life coach for many years, and being a woman for even more, I can tell you quite clearly what you can do to show your woman you love her.

#1 – Listen and don ‘ t try to fix her.

One of men ‘ s best personality traits is that they are fixers. Give them a problem and what they want to do more than anything is to fix it.

Unfortunately, women don ‘ t want to be fixed. They want to be listened to. They want to be acknowledged. They want to know that their man hears them and sees them and understands what they ‘ re going through.

So, next time your woman is sitting on the couch feeling very sad, ask her what is wrong and then listen to what she tells you. Tell her that you hear what she is saying and that you are very sorry. And then ask her what she needs from you. Don ‘ t give her advice, just ask her what she needs.

This might seem like a very simple thing, but it is what women want more than anything. To be heard but not fixed.

#2 – Anticipate her needs.

I used tell my clients who are unhappy in love that to expect your man to anticipate your needs is to open yourself up for disappointment. Women want more than anything for their men to anticipate their needs but many men just don ‘ t know how to do it.

I used to tell them that their friends, their sisters and their mothers are the ones who can anticipate their needs without even batting an eye, so rely on them to do so.

That being said, I now do believe it is possible for men, if they want to, to anticipate the needs of their woman. I haven ‘ t always believed this but now I am in a relationship with a man who does pay attention and follows through and my attitude has changed.

So, what do I mean by anticipating the needs of your woman? Quite simply it’s no more than paying attention and taking action.

Every night, I sleep with extra blankets on my side of the bed. More often than not, after I brush my teeth, I go to my bedroom and discover that my boyfriend already took the blankets out of the closet and put them on my side of the bed. Every time he does this, I feel loved. I know it ‘ s a little thing but it shows that he ‘ s paying attention.

Having men anticipate the little things is very important women. If you can anticipate what she might need, and follow through with action, you will really show your woman you love her.

#3 – Notice her.

When was the last time you told your woman how beautiful she looked? When was the last time you told your woman what a great mom she is or how much you love her?

Do you assume that you don ‘ t need to say those things because she knows? If that is the case, I am sorry to say, you ‘ re very wrong.

Women need to be noticed. They need to know you see them, that you see the way they look, the way they act and the way you feel about them. Unfortunately, the longer we are in a relationship, the less we get acknowledged for how amazing we are. I know you ‘ re probably still thinking that she ‘ s amazing but you might forget to tell her.

So, take every opportunity that you can to notice your woman. To tell her the amazing things that you see her do. That you love her very much.

If you want to show your woman you love her, make her feel seen.

#4 – Hold her hand.

Women love holding hands. There is nothing better than walking down the street holding your man ‘ s hand as you go. That long ago moment when a boy reached for her hand in the movie theater was the first moment that your woman knew how it felt to be cared for.

Holding hands seems like very little thing but for women it can be more intimate than sex. The physical contact, without expectation of anything more, makes us feel special and loved and way more likely to want to give more.

The next time you ‘ re walking with your woman, reach over and take her hand. If you do this you can show your woman you love her in a very simple way.

#5 – Learn her Love Language.

I truly believe that one of the best tools you can use to show your woman you love her is Gary Chapman ‘ s5 Love Languages. Go to the website right now and check out the quiz.

The premise behind his book is that there are five love languages, five ways that people express and receive love.

The languages are: Quality Time, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service and Giving of Gifts.

For each person one of those things is the thing that makes them feel the most loved when they are done unto them. When a partner tries to love them using a different love language they don ‘ t feel loved.

My love language is Quality Time – I feel loved when someone is truly present with me, listening to me, focusing on me. My ex-husbands ‘ love language was Physical Touch – he felt love when I was holding his hand, hugging him or, yep, that too.

Unfortunately, the language that we spoke best with each other was Acts of Service – we did things for each other, like changing the oil in the car or going to the grocery store. Stuff got done but neither of us felt loved.

Check out the 5 Love Language atwww.5lovelanguages.com. There you will find a short quiz that you and your partner can both take and you can start loving each other in a way that will work.

Good for you for trying to figure out what you can do to show your woman you love her.

Relationships are long and hard and understanding now what you can do to keep the love strong is very important.

So, go to the 5 Love Languages website to learn what your girl ‘ s love language is. Make an effort to listen to her without trying to fix her, to anticipate her needs, to see her and to hold her hand.

Doing the simple things will make her feel loved, will make your relationship stronger and will make you both happy.

Don ‘ t be intimidated! You can do this!

If you have read this far you must have a woman you really love.

Let me help you, NOW, so that you can start her TODAY!

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

Getting a Divorce? Here’s What You Need To Do First.

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So, your marriage is over and you are getting a divorce. It ‘ s been a long, sad slog but you know now that it ‘ s done.

The question is – what is next? You haven ‘ t been through this before and you have no idea what the next steps should be.

Divorce can be hellish – everything that was familiar in your life is changing and can be devastating. Keeping your spirits up for the kids, trying to focus on work and wondering what the hell you are going to cook for dinner just feels like more than you can bear some days.

I get it. I have been there.

But, I am also here to tell you that you can, and will, get through your divorce intact and, perhaps, even better than ever. 

Here are the steps to take to make getting a divorce easier ‘ ¦

#1 – Make your space a safe haven.

When I was getting a divorce, I met a woman who had been through one the previous year. Because I had never been through a divorce before, I had no idea how to cope. Lucky for me, she was able to help because she had been just been through it.

I had moved out of our family home and had found a rental.  I had left my things at our house so that it could look good when we tried to sell it. My new friend told me, in no uncertain terms, that I had to get my things and bring them to my new house.

For women, when we are going through a hard time, our surroundings are very important. It ‘ s something almost primal – our nesting instinct. Women want their space to be a comforting, happy place. 

So, what did I do? I had my things moved to my rental and I filled our family home with furniture from a professional house staging company. And did it make a difference? Oh yes it did. Being surrounded by my furniture, by my pictures, sleeping in my bed with my bed linens, seeing the little things that I had accumulated over the years on the shelves all gave me such a sense of comfort.  My life was so confusing because of all the change but coming home to my things provided me more comfort than I can even explain.

#2 – Gather a strong support system.

For many women, getting a divorce is very embarrassing. It feels like failure on so many levels. And because it is so, we often try to go with alone. We think we can tough it out and get through it and that we will be just fine.

But, really, we all need support when we go through this very difficult period. We have never been divorced before and we have no idea what we are doing and it ‘ s very important that we align ourselves with people who are informed and supportive.

What kind of people? 

Someone who has been through it before.  My friend who had been through a divorce was a invaluable source of information and support. She could look back on her divorce and talk to me about her successes and her failures so, as I went through my divorce process, I knew what to look out for. Without her, I am not sure I could have made it through it all as well as I did.

A therapist. I found myself therapist who I talked to every week. I really felt that I was the biggest loser on the planet because my husband decided he didn ‘ t want to be with me anymore. She was incredibly helpful, pointing out that divorces don ‘ t happen because one person didn ‘ t do something right but that there are two people in a marriage and both share some responsibility for where things went wrong.

A massage therapist. Someone else who really helped me when I was going through my divorce was my massage therapist. My husband left me right after my youngest child went off to school so I was left completely alone. For the first time in 18 years, I wasn ‘ t being touched regularly. So, I indulged and got a massage once a week for three months. Having somebody touch me for 60 minutes a week significantly helped me get through those very turbulent times.

A lawyer. Right away, I got myself a lawyer. Not a pit bull lawyer, as many people suggested I should get, but a lawyer who I knew to be strong but reasonable. I didn ‘ t want my divorce to be about two lawyers trying to prove who was the better lawyer. She was able to walk me through the reality of getting a divorce and how much it would cost. Information for me is very powerful. It makes me feel like I have some control of my outcome. Talking to her gave me the clarity I needed to be able to move forward.

#3 – Create a map of what you want your future to look like.

After talking to my lawyer, I realized that, for the rest of my life, I was going to have to take care of myself. I was scared out of my mind.

I had been mostly a stay-at-home mom for 20 years and, all of a sudden, I was going to be responsible for taking care of myself financially, for doing my own taxes, for finding healthcare and for figuring out how to fix something that was broken at the house. I was very overwhelmed and didn ‘ t know how I was going to handle it.

So, I made myself map of my scary future and figured out what the best route was to take.

First, I thought about where I wanted to live, what I wanted my life to look like, what I wanted to do now that I was on my own. I realized that, while being alone was scary, it was also give me a certain amount of freedom. For the first time in 20 years, I could live the way I wanted to live. Realizing that really helped me stay more positive about the divorce process and how things were going to turn out in the end. I felt almost hopeful once I had a picture of what the future might look like.

Next, I made plan. I came up with a list of things that I was going to need to consider for my future and I came up with a list of people who could support me when I needed support. I found myself a financial planner. I found myself a CPA to do my taxes. I found myself a handyman who could help me with those things around the house that I couldn ‘ t take care of myself.

Lastly, I did the math. I figured out what my expenses were so I knew what kind of money I was going to need going forward to survive. Armed with that knowledge, I was able to secure the kind of alimony that I would need to get myself back on my feet.

Making a plan, having an idea of what my future looked like and how I was going manage, really supported me through getting a divorce.

#4 – Make self care a priority.

Fortunately for me, when I was going through my divorce, I didn ‘ t drink. While I hadn ‘ t been much of a drinker for the past 20 years, I have to admit that the inclination to drink a bottle of wine on a lonely night at home was often very attractive. I think had I indulged in those bottles of wine I might have struggled more with figuring out what I needed to move forward.

What I did instead of drinking wine was yoga. I did yoga every single day. When my brain started running out of control, I would use yoga to bring it back.  When I started feeling like I was not going to survive, I used yoga to make my body feel stronger.

I also made a big effort to spend a lot of time in the sunshine because the warmth of the sun made me feel healthy and strong and the Vitamin D from the sun helped alleviate my depression.

And, of course, I ate well, as well as I could at least, and made a big effort to get enough sleep.

I know, in retrospect, that taking care of myself and keeping my mind and my body strong really helped me get through this divorce intact and helped alleviate my pain when the divorce process because contentious.

#5 – Keep moving forward!

I know that going through a divorce can be incredibly difficult. Even people who are divorcing amicably struggle to get through it all without some hurt feelings and drama. And divorce can take a long time so you might be tempted to give up. To put aside your own needs to end the dreadful process and get on with your life.

Don ‘ t do it!  More than anything, it ‘ s important that you take the time to get your divorce done right. I know many women who have walked away from a difficult divorce and struggled for the rest of their life, financially and/or emotionally. They don ‘ t get enough money to make a new start or they find themselves burdened with regret and anger for longer than they should.

So, don ‘ t give up. Make a plan and stay the course. It ‘ s worth it. 

Knowing the steps ahead of you when you are getting a divorce is an important part of successfully getting through it all.

I know that the divorce ahead of you might seem to be a daunting thing. You don ‘ t know how it ‘ s going to all turn out and that can be scary. And you are wondering how you could possibly by happy again.

I know you might not believe it right now, because from where you sit things look pretty shitty, but I can promise you that the view from the other side is a rosy one. 

Since I ‘ ve been divorced, I have moved to New York City from New England, I have started my own business, I have dated a bunch of wonderful men, I have a ton of new friends, I have a great relationship with my kids and a really huge sense of my own self-worth. The first few years after my divorce were definitely a struggle but, in the years since, I ‘ ve learned more about myself than I learned in the previous 46 and I now know who I am, I know what I want and I ‘ m not afraid to get it.

So, when you are getting a divorce, make sure that you are surrounded by the things that make you happy, reach out to get support from whoever you need to get support from, make a plan for the future, take care of yourself and don ‘ t ever give up.

You can do this. I promise.

If you have read this far you must really want to get things right in your divorce.

Let me help you, NOW, so that you can start moving forward with your life!

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

How To Know When It’s Time to Say Goodbye

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Are you in a relationship that is making you supremely unhappy and are you wondering if it ‘ s time to say goodbye?

Are you scared about the future and wondering if letting go is the best idea or if you should wait it out and see if maybe you can make it work?

Let me help you.

Saying goodbye to someone you are in a relationship with is a very hard thing to do. Relationships start out so hopeful and when they start to fall apart it ‘ s very hard to let them go. The fear that we will be alone if we do is palpable and can paralyze us every time.

So, how do you know when it ‘ s time to say goodbye? Check out my list below. If any, or all, of these criteria fit your situation then perhaps it ‘ s time.

#1 – You don ‘ t feel good about yourself

Feeling good about yourself is key to a healthy relationship.

If you don ‘ tfeel good about who you are in the world, if you feel like you need someone to ‘ ˜complete you, ‘ if you hate being alone, then you aren ‘ t in a good place with yourself so a good relationship will be impossible.

People who are needy or clingy or fraught with insecurities do not make good partners and if you are feeling that way at all, your relationship isn ‘ t healthy and it could be time to let go.

#2 – You can ‘ t talk about things.

Relationships that end usually involve people who just can not communicate. They aren ‘ t able to talk about their feelings and they aren ‘ t able to listen to others talk about theirs.

Relationships are very intense and very personal. To manage them effectively, it ‘ s important thatpeople communicate.

When issues arise, it is important that they are addressed head on, with clearly spoken words and someone on the receiving end to hear them. It is important that there is a give and take so that everyone ‘ s needs are met and that both people feel safe and secure in the relationship.

If you are in a relationship without communication, one where you aren ‘ t able to share your issues with each other, then you might want to start looking elsewhere for someone to love because the one you are in is most likely beyond repair.

#3 – You are obsessed.

Do you spend much of your waking hours thinking about your man? Do you spend hours stalking him on social media, listening to songs that remind you of him, trying to figure out ways to run into him?

If the answers to the above questions are ‘ ˜yes, ‘ then you are actually experiencing something called obsessive love.Obsessive love iswhen one person feels an obsessive desire to possess and protect another person with an inability to accept rejection or failure.

Love is a wonderful, giving, open emotion. Obsession is a harsh, angry, destructive one.

So, if the love you feel for your man is obsession, then it ‘ s definitely time to say goodbye. It ‘ s not healthy for either of you.

#4 – You don ‘ t have a life of your own.

It is very important that both sides of a relationship arenot completely reliant on the other for their happiness.

I have a client whose whole life revolves around her husband. She wakes up with him, makes him breakfast, gets him off to work, cleans the house after he is gone, brings him lunch at work, makes dinner for when he comes home and watches what he wants to watch every night.

She has turned her back on everyone in her life so that her husband can be happy. She tells herself that she is happy because he is happy but really, she isn ‘ t.

That is why she is talking to me!

Make sure that when you are in a relationship you have lots of things in your life outside of your relationship. Make sure you have a job, or a hobby, that you love. Make sure that you have friends who you can play with. Make sure that you spend time by yourself so that you are comfortable being alone.

If you rely completely on your partner for your happiness, it might be time to say goodbye. Going away and then coming together to share experiences is a key part of maintaining a healthy relationship and if you can ‘ t, or won ‘ t, do that then your relationship might be over.

#5 – He is giving you mixed messages.

Is your man alternating hot and cold? Does some days he seem like his loving self and then others he is crabby and distant and no fun to be with?

Unless your man has bi-polar disorder, a man who is playing up and down with his woman is a man no longer interested.

If a man wants something, particularly a woman, he will move heaven and earth to get it. If your man only wants you some days and not others then he isn ‘ t making any effort at all to keep you.

So, unless your man is always hot for you, it ‘ s time to say goodbye.

#6 – He isn ‘ t giving you the love you want.

The number one thing we seek in a relationship is love. Unfortunately, for many women, we are willing to settle for companionship and give up on the love we want because our men just aren ‘ t capable of giving us what we desire.

Has your man stopped asking how you are doing? Has he stopped asking you out on dates or bringing home the groceries or including you in activities with his friends? Does he no longer listen when you talk or seem to care at all about what you think?

A man like this is a man who has nothing left to give to the woman he used to love.

Unfortunately, for many women, when they are trying to save a relationship that was once so promising, they become so obsessed with saving it that they don ‘ t notice how little of it still exists. They will talk more to fill in the silences left by the absence of questions. They will invite themselves along on outings they weren ‘ t invited to. They will plan things that the two of them can do together. As a result, women don ‘ t notice that their man has completely checked out.

So, take a moment and think about your relationship. What has your man done for you lately? If the list is short then it ‘ s time to say goodbye.

#7 – History repeats itself.

Are you and your guy stuck in a cycle of good and bad, up and down, highs and lows? Are there days when things feel almostlike they used to and then days when things are so bad that you want to cry?

Does your man tell you that he needs space and disappear only to reappear a few weeks later telling you how much he misses you?

If you find yourself in these kinds of patterns, where things are never constantly good but rather a roller coaster of emotions that is sucking you dry, then it ‘ s time to say goodbye. Time to let go of what was and move forward to what could be.

I am guessing that you are reading this article because you suspect, deep down, that the relationship you are in isn ‘ t the one for you. But it ‘ s hard to admit this and even harder to say goodbye.

It is essential, for your mental health and the health of your future love life, that you pay hard attention to whether it ‘ s time to say goodbye to a relationship that isn ‘ t working.

Do you feel good about yourself? Are you communicating? Is he treating you well? Is the love you feel for him healthy? If the answers are yes, keep working hard on your relationship. If not, perhaps it ‘ s time to say goodbye.

And just how do you do that? Check out this article:5 Life Saving Ways to Let Go of Someone Who Doesn ‘ t Love You so that You Can Be Happy. It will guide you, step by step, through a process that might be difficult but that will be worth it in the long run.

You CAN do this!

If you have read this far you must really be wondering if it’s time to say goodbye.

Let me help you, NOW, so that you can start moving forward with your life!

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

How to Cope with Feeling Depressed When Going Through A Divorce

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Are you going through a divorce and wondering if you will ever stop feeling depressed, so overwhelmed by everything that is going on?

Divorce is hell – everything that was familiar in your life is changing and it is devastating. Keeping your spirits up for the kids, trying to focus on work and wondering what the hell you are going to cook for dinner just feels like more than you can bear some days.

I get it. I have been there.

But I am also here to tell you that you can and will get through your divorce even if you are feeling depressed. Let me help!

#1 – Nest.

When I was going through a divorce, I met a woman who had been through one the previous year. Because I had never gone through a divorce before, I had no idea how to cope. Lucky for me, she was able to help because she had been just been through it.

I had moved out of our family home and had found a rental.  I had left my things at our house so that it would look good when we tried to sell it. My new friend told me, in no uncertain terms, that I had to get my things and bring them to my new house.

For women, when we are going through a hard time, our surroundings are very important. It has something to do with the nesting instinct that is very primal. Women want their space to be a comforting, happy place. 

So, what did I do? I had my things moved to my rental and I filled our family home with furniture from a house staging company. And did it make a difference? Oh yes, it did. Being surrounded by my furniture, by my pictures, sleeping in my bed with my bed linens, seeing the little things that I had accumulated over the years on the shelves all gave me such a sense of comfort.  My life was so confusing because of all the change but coming home to my things provided me more comfort than I can even explain.

#2 – Get support.

For many women, going through divorce is very embarrassing. It feels like failure on so many levels. And because it is so, we often try to go with alone. We think we can tough it out and get through it and that we will be just fine.

But the reality is is that we all need support when we go through this very difficult period. We have never been divorced before and we have no idea what we ‘ re doing and it ‘ s very important that we align ourselves with people who are informed and supportive.

What kind of people? For me, my friend who had been through a divorce was a huge source of information and support. She could look back on her divorce and talk to me about her successes and her failures so as I went through my divorce process I knew what to look out for.

I also found myself a therapist who I talked to every week. I really felt like I was the biggest loser on the planet because my husband decided he didn ‘ t want be with me anymore and she was incredibly helpful, pointing out that divorces don ‘ t happen because one person didn ‘ t do something right but that there are two people in marriage and both share responsibility for the good and the bad.

Someone else who really helped me when I was going through my divorce was my massage therapist. My husband left me right after my youngest child went off to school so I was left completely alone. For the first time in 18 years, I wasn ‘ t being touched regularly. So, I indulged and got a massage once a week for three months. Having somebody touch me for 60 minutes a week significantly help me get through these very turbulent times.

And, finally, I got myself a lawyer. She was able to walk me through the reality of getting a divorce and what being divorced would look like. And how much it would cost. Information for me is very powerful. It makes me feel like I have some control of my outcome. Talking to her gave me the clarity I needed to be able to move forward confidently.

#3 – Make a plan for the future.

After talking to my lawyer, I realized that, for the rest of my life, I was going to have to take care of myself. I was scared out of my mind.

I had been mostly a stay-at-home mom for 20 years and all of a sudden I was going to be responsible for taking care of myself financially, for doing my own taxes, for finding healthcare and for figuring out how to fix things that broke in my house. I was very overwhelmed and didn ‘ t know how I was going to handle it.

So I started to think about where I wanted to live, what I wanted my life to look like, what I wanted to do now that I was on my own. I realized that, while being alone was scary, it was also give me a certain amount of freedom. For the first time in 20 years, I could live the way I wanted to live. Realizing that really helped me cope with feeling depressed because for 20 years I had been unhappy and I knew that now I was in charge of fixing my unhappiness.

Next, I made plan. I came up with a list of things that I was going to need to consider for my future and I came up with a list of people who could support me when I needed support. I found myself a financial planner. I found myself a CPA to help me with my taxes. I found myself a handyman who could help me with those things around the house that I couldn ‘ t take care of myself.

Lastly, I did the math. I figured out what my expenses were so I knew what kind of money I was going to need going forward to survive. Armed with that knowledge, I was able to secure the kind of alimony that I would need to get myself back on my feet.

Making a plan, having an idea of what my future looked like and how I was going manage, really helped me to cope with my feeling depressed while going through my divorce.

#4 – Take care of yourself.

Fortunately for me, when I was going through my divorce, I didn ‘ t drink. While I hadn ‘ t been much of a drinker for the previous 20 years, I have to admit that the inclination to drink a bottle wine on a lonely night at home was often very attractive. I am glad i didn’t though. I think had I indulged in a bottle of wine I might ‘ ve struggled more with figuring out what I needed to do to move forward.

Instead of drinking wine I did yoga. I did yoga every single day. When my brain started running out of control, I would use yoga to bring it back.  When I started feeling like I was not going to survive, I used yoga to make my body feel stronger.

I also made a big effort to spend a lot of time in the sunshine because it’s warmth made me feel healthy and strong and the Vitamin D from the sun helped alleviate my depression.

And, of course, I ate well, as well as I could at least, and made a big effort to get enough sleep.

I know, in retrospect, that taking care of myself and keeping my mind and my body strong really helped me get through this divorce intact and helped alleviate my pain when I was feeling depressed.

#5 – Don ‘ t give up!

Perhaps you ‘ re reading this article because you are feeling like you might be at the end of your rope. Perhaps you ‘ re feeling that, because the life that you once led is over, there ‘ s no reason for you to go on. Your future looks hopeless and you will never be happy again.

I can promise you this is not true. I know you might not believe it right now because from where you sit things look pretty shitty but I can promise you that the view from the other side is a rosy one. 

Since I ‘ ve been divorced, I have moved to New York City from New England, I have started my own business, I have dated a bunch of wonderful men, I have a whole crew of new friends, I have a great relationship with my kids and a really huge sense of my own self-worth. The few years after my divorce were definitely a struggle but in the years since I ‘ ve learned more about myself than I learned in the previous 46 and I know now who I am, I know what I want and I ‘ m not afraid to get it.

So, know that your hopelessness is because of your depression and that your future is not hopeless. This is the beginning of the rest of your life.

Learning how to cope when you ‘ re feeling depressed because you ‘ re going through a divorce is an important part of successfully getting through it all.

I know right now it doesn ‘ t seem like you ever will be happy again but you will!

Make sure that you are surrounded by the things that make you happy, reach out to get support from whoever you need to get support from, make a plan for the future, take care of yourself and don ‘ t ever give up.

You can do this. I promise.

If you have read this far you must really be struggling with your divorce.

Let me help you, NOW, so that you can start moving forward with your life!

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

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