Can You Let Go Of Love And Still Find Happiness?

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Are you thinking about getting out of a relationship that isn ‘ t serving you and are you wondering if you can let of love and still find happiness?

It ‘ s a scary thing – letting go of someone. You have invested so much time and energy into the relationship and letting go feels like quitting. There is the intense fear that you will never find love again and the prospect of being alone is petrifying.

But I am here to tell you that you can let go of love and still find happiness.

I did.

8 years ago, I got divorced. I was 46 years old and I had been married for 18 years. I was so scared of my unknown future and wondered if I could find happiness. Here is my story.

#1 – No more thousand little cuts.

One of the first things that I discovered after my husband moved out what how much happier I was on a daily basis.

Every day of my marriage involved some kind of misery. Whether it be him having his 3rddrink after dinner and becoming crabby or me jumping on him for leaving his clothes on the floor AGAIN, we were making each other miserable every single day.

Once I was living alone that stopped happening. I would wake up in the morning and go through a day that wasn ‘ t mired with a thousand little cuts. When I crawled into bed I wasn ‘ t angry and bitter but content with how my day had gone.

And, I would get a good night sleep because no one was next to me snoring.

So, at the very least, know that your daily life will improve if you are no longer in a relationship that is making you unhappy.

#2 – No more being a pretzel.

When I was in my miserable relationship I found myself twisting myself into someone who I wasn ‘ t, hoping to make us happier and keep us married. These contortions made me feel inauthentic and damaged my self-esteem.

Have you ever found yourself putting up with behavior that is not okay just to keep the peace? Do you bend over backwards to do things that will make him happy? Have you given up friends in an attempt to save your relationship?

Twisting ourselves into a pretzel for someone else is not a healthy thing. In order to maintain our sense of self-worth it is important that we do things that make us feel good about ourselves and our place in the world.

When my husband was gone, I was free to truly be myself and, man oh man, did that make me happy.

#3 – Living your own authentic life.

When I was married, I was a wife and a mother. My every day was filled with mundane tasks like keeping the house clean and making dinner. I defined myself as such and it kept me from living my own life.

After my divorce all of that changed. I finally had the freedom to do everything that I had always wanted to do.

I went back to school and got certified as a life coach and I started my own life coaching business, making a difference in the world. I volunteered at the National Alliance of Mental Illness, helping people living with mental illness. I worked at a food bank and volunteered at a hospital.

Every day I woke up and my day was what I wanted it be. And as a result, I started feeling really good about myself. No longer was I being the subject of daily pain or struggling with not being myself. My self-esteem went through the roof and I started to realize that I could do whatever I set my mind to.

How good would it feel to have your life be what you want it to be every day?

#4 – Having grand adventures.

One of the best parts of being alone, for me, was the opportunity to have amazing new life experiences, ones that were so different from those I had had during the time I was married.

I climbed Mt Katahdin in Maine and hiked for 15 days in Peru. I take my kids to the Caribbean every year for Christmas and have 5 glorious, cell phone free days with them.

I started dating and had amazing non-marriage sex and met a bunch of great guys, many of whom I am still friends with.

I sold my big house in Vermont and moved into a 200 sq foot apartment in NYC where every day was an adventure.

I was 46 years old and I was authentically living my life again. I felt truly alive and was getting to know myself in a way that I never had before. What a gift.

#5 – Finding true love.

I spent 6 years dating after my divorce. I enjoyed almost every date (but did walk out on one) and had many amazing boyfriends. One took me hiking in Moab. I road-tripped with one to Telluride and with another to help hurricane victims in Louisiana. I capsized a sailboat with one of my favorite guys on Lake Champlain and later test drove $80,000 Audis just for fun.

But, the best guy I met, on Match.com, was a person who has become one of my closest friends and the person who introduced me to the love of my life.

I was brutally unhappy in my marriage but determined to stick it out because I didn ‘ t want to get divorced and, when it ended, I was devastated. But, if it hadn ‘ t ended, I wouldn ‘ t be living the glorious life that I am with a man who loves and values me, who doesn ‘ t cause me little bits of pain every day, who I laugh and have adventures with and who knows who he is and loves who we are.

I want to assure you that, if you can let go of a love that isn ‘ t serving you, you will find love again. I can also promise you that, if you stay with this person who is making you miserable, you definitely won ‘ t.

I hope that my story has answered whether you can you let go of love and still find happiness.

I have this little game I play when standing in line at the grocery store. I look at the faces of the women in line and try to judge, based on their facial expressions, those women who are in an unhappy relationship and those who aren ‘ t. It ‘ s very easy to tell, believe it or not, especially now that I look in the mirror every day and know what a happy woman looks like.

So, believe that you can find happiness if you are strong enough to walk away from a relationship that isn ‘ t serving you. I am living proof and you can be too!

Go for it!

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really be struggling with end of a relationship.

Let me help get you there, NOW, before the pain overwhelms you.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

5 Mistakes that People Make After A Breakup

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There are so many mistakes that people make after a breakup.

The pain and change that happens quickly after a breakup often throws people off balance so that they do things that they might not otherwise do.

And those mistakes can cause huge problems both with your ex and your self-esteem.

Trying not to make them will allow the healing to start sooner so that you can get on with your life and be happy.

What kind of mistakes?

#1 – Seeking closure.

One of the biggest mistakes that people make after a breakup is that they seek ‘ ˜closure. ‘

While ‘ ˜closure ‘ can be explained away as a final chance to talk about what happened and leave on good terms, really, closure is really just one more chance to spend time with your soon-to-be-ex and perhaps talk them into being with you again.

I can promise you that spending even one more moment dwelling on what happened and begging your person to take you back will backfire. If your person has broken up with you and you convince him to take you back, chances are it will all happen all over again, sooner or later. Furthermore, prostrating yourself at the feet of your ex, begging him to give you one more chance, will only damage your self-esteem.

I believe that, if someone breaks up with you, seeking closure is only going to drag out the inevitable. So, rant and cry for a bit but then hold your head high and don ‘ t let him know that you are hurting.

#2 – Extensive snooping.

One of the biggest issues with social media is the havoc that it wreaks after break-ups.

In the old days, when a couple parted ways, unless the circumstances were unusual, they rarely or never saw each other again. They didn ‘ t know the intimate details of each other ‘ s life as they went on with their own.

Now, unfortunately, everything is different.

When couples break up these days, part of the break-up means blocking or unfollowing each other on social media. And, unfortunately, this often doesn ‘ t happen fast enough.

I have a client who left her boyfriend because he was a mess. They agreed to ‘ ˜remain friends ‘ and kept up their social media accounts. My client still loved her boyfriend, even though she left him, and she found herself drawn to his social media accounts regularly. This wasn ‘ t an issue in the beginning but once he found another girlfriend it became a real problem.

She would waste hours stalking her ex and his new girlfriend on social media – extremely jealous that he seemed to be doing so much better with someone else. Thinking that some other girl had a better version of him made her crazy. Her self-esteem was in the gutter.

And then I reminded her that people only post their best things on social media. They don ‘ t post the fights or the posturing or the doubts. What she was seeing was a curated version of her ex ‘ s relationship. Understanding this allowed her to end her social media connection with him and begin to truly move on.

#3 – Moving on too quickly.

Another huge mistake that people make after a breakup is that they move on too fast.

I know that your heart is broken and that you desperately want to pull the pieces back together again and the best way to do that, you think, is to find someone else.

Don ‘ t get me wrong, I definitely believe that people should get back on the horse quickly after a relationship fail but I think that it ‘ s very important to take some time and reflect on what happened. Jumping back into a new relationship before you have done so will mean that you might repeat the same mistakes again.

So, take some time and be alone. It ‘ s important to cry and feel your feelings and process with your girlfriends. Gain some understanding into what happened and make sure that history doesn ‘ t repeat itself.

#4 – Staying in contact.

Have you and your ex agreed to ‘ ˜be friends? ‘ Do you want to set an example for other people that people can break up and remain friends? Good for you but, I am afraid, it ‘ s mostly impossible to do so.

When people are romantically involved and break up, especially if it ‘ s one sided, being friends just isn ‘ t possible. The person who is broken up with will use that friendship as an excuse to stay connected with their person and hope for a reunion. The breaker up could get frustrated with their ex ‘ s clinginess and connection and might push them away or even ghost them.

If you would honestly like to be friends with your ex someday, as I am with many of mine, first take some time to get past the end of the relationship and get out into the world. Staying in contact them now will only serve to slow down your healing.

#5 – Holding on to what could be.

Two things that I hear over and over and over after a break up is that they wish that things could be back to the way they were at the beginning and that they wish their person could be the person they know they can be. Wishing for these things will only drive you bonkers.

The beginning of a relationship is a magical time. Hours are spent sharing your deepest thoughts, your heart races whenever you see them and the chemistry is crazy. Unfortunately, maintaining the chemically induced excitement of the early part of a relationship is simply impossible.

Even people in long term, happy relationships no longer have those crazy feelings about each other. Their chemical draw has settled and they move into a more comfortable, loving relationship.

Furthermore, many people hold onto their exes because they focus on what their partner could be. My client who had to break up with her beau because he was a mess saw the long-term potential in him, especially if she just loved him enough. Unfortunately, holding on to someone because of what they could be will only be an exercise in futility. You can ‘ t save or change someone and trying to will only hurt you more.

So, if you are longing for the early days to return or know your person can change, know that neither will happen and take steps to move on.

There are so many mistakes that people make after a breakup so know that you aren ‘ t alone.

Break-ups are painful and the need for the pain to go away makes people do things that are not self-serving.

Make every effort to resist seeking closure and extensive snooping, don ‘ t stay in contact or move on too quickly. And, importantly, understand that things will never go back to the way there were and you can ‘ t make your person into the person you think they can be.

I know that you want to find love – we all do! If you can avoid making these common mistakes then you will be able to move on quickly and find the love that you have always been seeking.

You can do it!

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really be struggling with end of a relationship

Let me help get you there, NOW, before the pain overwhelms you.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

Feeling Depressed All The Time? How To Know When It’s Time To Get Help

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Are you feeling depressed all the time? Are you not enjoying your life? Do you wish that things could be different?

Are your friends are telling you that it will pass. To snap out of it. But you are wondering if you can? Are you wondering if it ‘ s time to ask for help?

There are ways to tell if seeking help for your depression is the right thing for you.

#1 – Can you get out of bed or off the coach?

How much time do you spend on the couch or in bed? You aren’t necessarily tired but the prospect of getting up is just too daunting to face. So, you stay horizontal all day, watching Netflix and feeling like a loser.

This habit is a significant indicator of depression. People who have been diagnosed with depression tell of the great lengths they go to stay out of bed. Of stripping the sheets, taking the mattress off of the box spring and leaning it against the wall, locking the bedroom door. Whatever it takes to keep them out of bed and wallowing in their depression.

If you are feeling depressed all the time and finding that your bed is your favorite and safest place then it might definitely time to get help.

#2 – Do you still do the things you love?

Have you lost interest in doing the things that you have always loved?

Does the idea of going to school or seeing friends or going out to dinner just seem like too much to bear?

People who are feeling depressed all the isolate themselves. The energy that it takes to get out of bed and interact with others is overwhelming. So, they don’t.

Ironically, going out and doing the things that you love is a great way to alleviate depression temporarily. Unfortunately, the treatment can often seem too daunting to undertake and so people who are depressed just stay home.

If you are isolating yourself then it might definitely be time to seek help.

#3 -Are you feeling hopeless and full of dread?

Do you spend much of your time running all sorts of negative thoughts through your head about how horrible your life is? What a loser you are and how no one will ever love you? Are you 100% confident that this will never change?

People who are depressed believe that all of the negative thoughts that run through their head. Unfortunately, they also believe, falsely, that it will always be this way!

The truth is is that when one is depressed things can only seem hopeless because when one ‘ s mind is in such a bad place it ‘ s impossible to believe that the future will be any different.

The good news is that once the depression is addressed that feeling of hopelessness can disappear completely so perhaps it ‘ s time to get help!

#4 – Are you impatient or quick to anger?

Do you find yourself losing your patience with those you love? Do you scream at your kids if their homework doesn’t get done? Do you sneer at your husband if he asks you what is wrong? Can you not even talk to your mom anymore because her incessant questioning is just too much?

Impatience with those you love is a huge indicator of depression. The sense of the hopelessness that our condition will never change and that we are worthless makes it intolerable for us to interact with others, particularly those who love us and want the best for us.

Ironically, it is that love exactly that we need most in our life when we suffer from depression. Pushing that love away ultimately can make the depression worse.

If you are finding yourself pushing away those you love it ‘ s time to get help.

#5 – Are you eating and sleeping?

Have you found that recently your appetite has changed? Do you find yourself indulging more than usual in Ben and Jerry ‘ s and Oreos? Or do you find that you have no taste for food at all? Have you lost weight and find yourself listless because you aren’t eating?

Are you having trouble sleeping? Do you stay up all night watching TV or roll around in bed thinking about terrible things?

Changes in eating patterns can indicate depression. When depression goes untreated, we can self-medicate with food, often to one extreme or another. Which is not healthy and can make it all worse.

Furthermore, not sleeping will only make your depression worse. Sleep deprivation can have more of an effect on one ‘ s health than anyone else.

If you are struggling with eating and/or sleeping then you are definitely depressed and it might be time to get treated.

Feeling depressed all the time is not good and the longer it goes untreated the worse it can get.

Unfortunately, we hate to admit to being depressed because our loved ones, and society as a whole, tend to stigmatize those with depression.

So, ask yourself if you have any of the symptoms above. If you do, seek professional help immediately. Call your primary care provider and tell her exactly how you have been feeling, using this article as a reference if you like. Treating depression is easy. Living with it is not.

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really be struggling with feeling depressed all the time.

Let me help get you there, NOW, before the pain overwhelms you.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

How To Prevent A Toxic Relationship From Ruining Your Life

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Are you in a toxic relationship? Are you struggling big time and recognizing that this relationship is ruining your life?

Many of us are in toxic relationships, ones we can ‘ t escape, ones that are keeping us from living our full lives, from living and loving and being our best self.

We only have one life to live and we need to make sure that we live it to the fullest, even if we are in a toxic relationship that is holding us back.

How?

#1 – Love yourself.

Many of us who are in toxic relationship believe that we are not worthy and are full of self-hatred.

Years of being berated by our partner, told that we are worthless and stupid and total losers, has taken a huge toll on our self-esteem. Furthermore, we know that we have stayed in this relationship, even though we are being abused, and that erodes our self-confidence even more.

It is important that, if we are in a toxic relationship that is ruining our life, we make an effort to love ourselves. That we set goals for ourselves and stick to them. That we take care of ourselves, getting exercise and eating right. That we practice self-care – whether it be a massage or a walk in the woods.

Most importantly, it is essential that we spend time with people who love us. Who remind us about how wonderful we really are. Who support us in every way and help us navigate the world no matter what.

If you are stuck in a toxic relationship, make an effort to love yourself every day. You deserve it.

#2 – Don ‘ t take all the blame.

I know that you have been told over and over that everything that is wrong in your relationship is all your fault. I know that you believe that if you were only more patient or gave them more sex or made them happier everything would be fine.

Let me tell you that this just isn ‘ t true. There are two people in every relationship so, yes, you shoulder some of the blame but it ‘ s definitely not all on you, no matter what you have been told.

Managing self-blame, recognizing that it is a false premise, will help you to love yourself and make you stronger in a relationship. It will allow you to take some power back so that you can not only survive but thrive as you live your life.

#3 – Get help.

Many of us who are struggling in toxic relationships are ashamed and, therefore, go it alone. Even if we are aware that we need help, we hesitate to reach out for it because of our shame and self-blame. We fear being judged and we don ‘ t see what kind of help could make a difference.

Asking for help is the best way to survive a toxic relationship before it ruins your life. Even though we women are strong, even the strongest of us need help when we are feeling desperate.

So, reach out to someone who can help and support you. Your priest, your doctor, your psychiatrist, your life coach, your lawyer or your family. Get help understanding what your options are as far as this relationship – what you need to do to keep your life together in spite of the pain.

#4 – Leave.

You are probably scoffing at me right now. Yeah, right you are thinking. And I get that.

I know that it seems like you could never leave this relationship. That you still love this person. That you have put so much time into it that walking away seems stupid. That you don ‘ t believe in giving up and want to keep trying. Whatever the reasons are, leaving seems untenable.

Leaving is ALWAYS an option. Your life is short, too short to waste in a relationship that is making you unhappy.

If physical fear is holding you back, there are groups out there that can help you escape from your toxic relationship. If fear about what the future holds is what is keeping you stuck, consider what would be better – the ways things are now or how things could be if you were free.

There are always options for women stuck in toxic relationships. Seek out the help you need to make it happen.

#5 – Have hope.

I know that right now you are feeling trapped. That your every day is filled with unhappiness and, perhaps, fear. You wonder if you can ever leave this relationship, ever be happy again.

I am here to tell you that it is more than possible to find happiness in your life. That you too can feel good about yourself, find a love that will make you happy and live the life that you have always wanted.

I have this game I play. I look at women in line at the grocery store and try to figure out which of them are single and which are in an unhappy relationship. I can always tell the difference. Women who are in toxic relationships seems to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. They look grim and gray and unhappy. They are living with a toxic relationship and it is sucking the life out of them.

When you look at women who are single, who have escaped a relationship that makes them unhappy, you see an air about them of lightness and peace. Even though they are alone, for now, they know that life is theirs for the taking.

And women who carry a lightness and peace, who are self-confident after taking the steps to leave a relationship that doesn ‘ t feed them, who have let go of self-blame and have people to support them, are women who will find love and happiness. Love and happiness that will help them live the life they have always wanted.

Being in a toxic relationship can destroy your life.

Women who are unhappy can struggle at work, aren ‘ t the best mothers they can be, lose friends and have trouble with their mental and physical health.

If you are in a toxic relationship, work hard to love yourself, work to let go of self-blame, get help, around leaving if you need it, and have faith that you can be happy. That you can find a love that feeds you and that you can live your very best life.

You can do it! I know it ‘ ¦

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really be struggling with surviving a toxic marriage.

Let me help get you there, NOW, before the pain overwhelms you.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

How and Why Establishing Boundaries Before Marriage Can Build A Stronger Bond

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Have your friends been telling you that establishing boundaries before marriage is a very important of a successful marriage?

Do you want to have be happily married but do you have NO IDEA what boundaries are and how and why to set them up before marriage?

Let me help!

To understand healthymarriage boundaries look at the four walls of your house. Those walls are the structure that holds your life together. They hold your food and your bed and your possessions and it ‘ s where you live your life. Healthy marriage boundaries are the same as those four walls of your house. They are the things that support your marriage as it matures. To have a healthy relationship, one that can grow and be fruitful, it is important that it has structures, boundaries, that support it.

Boundaries come in all sorts of shapes and colors. Here are a few of the essential ones.

#1 – Always be true to yourself.

For many people, when they are married, they become less of themselves.

Many people, men and women, take on their spouse ‘ s friendships, their hobbies and their ways of doing things.

It is VERY important that all peoplestay themselveswhen in a relationship.

Why? Because every healthy relationship is based on truth and if you are anything other than your true self your marriage will never be really healthy.

It is also important that you continue to respect yourself and you will respect yourself by being yourself. By continuing to have your friends, to do your own hobbies, to have a career that you love and a healthy lifestyle that serves you, you will wake up every day feeling good about yourself.

And, when you feel good about yourself, your partner will love you even more because he knows you are being your true self, someone who is ambitious and smart and willing to take risks to get what she wants.

So, be yourself in your relationship. A healthy marriage requires it.

#2 – Practice compromise.

I have a client whose new husband moved into a house that she already owned. Right away they had issues because it was her house and she wanted to do things her way and that just wasn ‘ t okay with him.

It is important that everyone be flexible in a relationship. Just like you would at work or with your family, it is important to work with your partner so that you can both live a life that is authentic to you.

You know the phrase ‘ My way or the highway? ‘ That phrase has no place in any healthy marriage.

#3 – Maintain mutual respect.

One of the biggest romance killers in a marriage is lack of respect and contempt.

The saying ‘ ˜familiarity breeds contempt ‘ is an accurate one and something that happens in many marriages over the years.

It is important in every relationship that you each respect each other. Respect each other within the confines of your relationship by speaking to each other honestly, sharing your feelings and needs in an open way. By not attacking each other personally and criticizing each other ‘ s behaviors and actions.

Furthermore, it ‘ s important to not criticize your partner out in the world. The general rule of thumb is that you not tell something about your partner to anyone that you haven ‘ t already shared with your partner.

So, make sure you treat each other with respect, both inside and outside the relationship.

#4 – Don ‘ t give up your power.

In many marriages it happens that at some point one person becomes the one calling the shots. And while this seems to work on one level, ultimately the relationship will become uneven. And when power dynamics are unequal, a marriage can change.

Make an effort to keep the decision making even and fair in your marriage. If you are good at organizing your social life then do that but give him opportunity to choose events. If he is good at managing the finances let him do that but continue to have input into where the money goes and why.

Letting your marriage ‘ s playing field become uneven allows it to slip into a sort of parent/child dynamic, where one person is in charge and the other does as they are told. Does that sound like a healthy relationship to you?

Not so much.

#5 – Spend time apart.

When they are falling in love, couples want to spend every available minute together. The feelings that accompany falling in love are addictive and hard to walk away from even for a short while.

It is important, however, that you spend time apart from the one you love.

You know the old saying ‘ ˜absence makes the heart grow fonder? ‘ It ‘ s true!

So, spend some time apart. Miss each other. Value each other. Keep that spark alive.

Now that you know what boundaries looking like we can address why establishing boundaries before marriage is important for a healthy one.

#1 – It helps you know if you are compatible.

Establishing boundaries before you are married is important because, in doing so, you will understand whether or not you are compatible.

In spite of what many women believe, things won’t change when you get married – habits and behaviors that exist pre-marriage will carry over into marriage

If you try to establish boundaries after marriage, and you don ‘ t agree on the how or why of them, then you will be stuck with someone who spending your life with might be difficult. Love is important in marriage but it only goes so far.

So, talk to your partner and spend some time defining your boundaries. Doing so will allow you both to confirm that this marriage is the right choice for you.

#2 – You ‘ ve been practicing.

If you work on establishing boundaries before marriage, when you actually get married you will have been practicing those boundaries, learning what works and what doesn’t. You will have established behaviors and practices that work for both of you, that keep you happier together.

So, when the wedding is over and the birdseed has been thrown, you can feel confident that you can ride off into the sunset together, knowing what is important to both of you and that you both can do the work!

#3 – You are a team.

After marriage comes extended family and babies. Having established boundaries will help you stay strong as a couple while facing these challenges.

Extended families are wonderful and sometimes not so much. Traditions that have been established in one family sometimes don ‘ t work in other families. Mother-in-laws mean well but can be interfering. Babies completely rock your world in so many ways.

If you have a truly strong bond that is the result of the boundaries that you have established, you will have a much better chance of riding out those challenges together.

Establishing boundaries before marriage is a key part building a strong bond between the two of you.

I know that we all think that we have found our soul mate and best friend and that nothing can possibly come between us but the reality is is that marriage is long and hard and it takes work.

If you know what to expect from, and of, each other before you are married then you will have a much better chance of truly being happy.

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must be wondering about establishing boundaries in marriage.

Let me help get you there, NOW, before it’s too late.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

The Difference Between Letting Go of Someone and Giving Up

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I can ‘ t tell you how many of my clients tell me that letting go of someone is impossible because they don ‘ t want to give up.

They believe that if they can just keep trying, the person they love will finally be the person they want them to be and they will live happily ever after.

From a young age, we are told to never give up and, to a degree, this is good advice. BUT when it comes to relationships it is not necessarily so.

Why?

#1 – You are not the only one involved.

When you are set on finding a job, or finishing a race or losing ten pounds, the person in charge of the outcome is you and only you. It is up to you to set a goal to and reach it no matter what obstacles get in your way.

When you are in a relationship that is troubled, there are two people there. And, while you can absolutely be in charge of your actions and your reactions, you can ‘ t control those of your partner.

Perhaps you decide to take special care to look nice and be kind but your person still treats you like you are ugly and says horrible things to you. Or perhaps you decide that you will be supportive of him no matter how bad his decisions are and still his bad decisions affect your life every day.

OR, perhaps your person is trying to change his behavior but the change that he is making isn ‘ t working for you or perhaps it ‘ s not what you want. As a result, the relationship isn ‘ t getting any healthier.

So, remember, when you are chiding yourself for ‘ ˜giving up, ‘ don ‘ t! There are two of you in this relationship and both of you need to try to make it work.

#2 – You aren ‘ t a superhero.

Yes, we have been told that we must never give up. But sometimes, it ‘ s time to do just that.

For many of my clients, their relationships have gotten so bad that their physical and mental health are being affected. They are doing everything that they can do to save their relationship but their efforts are failing and the relationship is doomed.

In spite of their Herculean efforts, they just can ‘ t make it work.

Recognize this about yourself. Have you done everything conceivable to try to save your relationship but are you still hitting a brick wall? If so, recognize that there are some things that you just can ‘ t change, no matter how hard you try.

Letting go of someone might be exactly what you need to do!

3 – Is it just an excuse?

I ask this of many of my clients – ‘ ˜Are you telling me that you don ‘ t want to give up because you just don ‘ t want let go? ‘

Letting go of someone is a very difficult thing to do. We are scared of the pain that we know we will feel when we break up and we are scared that we will never be loved again. As a result, we make every excuse in the world, including one that makes us sound strong, to stay in the relationship.

So, ask yourself – are you really worried about ‘ ˜giving up ‘ or is it a reason to stay, even if you aren ‘ t happy? Letting go of someone is hard but not impossible.

4 – Would it be so bad?

Ok, so think about climbing a mountain.

You can see the top, and you are dying to get there, but a mile or so back you twisted your ankle and it ‘ s getting more and more swollen. The pain is awful and you aren ‘ t sure you can go another step.

What do you do? Do you keep going even though you know if you do you might not be able to hike down? Or do you turn back, knowing that it ‘ s the best thing for your mental and physical health?

It ‘ s the same with relationships. If your relationship is causing you mental and physical harm, perhaps it ‘ s just time to let go. Let go so that you can be healthy and happy and functional in the world.

Sometimes, letting go of someone, ‘ ˜giving up, ‘ is the healthiest, strongest choice you can make!

Letting go of someone you love is one of the hardest things to do in the world to do.

The fear of the pain that you might feel is just too much to bear.

But letting go is not the same as giving up.

Remember, there are two of you in this relationship, you can ‘ t fix everything yourself, you might be using ‘ ˜giving up ‘ as an excuse and, really, at the end of the day, would ‘ ˜giving up ‘ be so bad? If you have someone who you need to let go of, do so.

Giving up someone who is causing you pain is a sign of strength, not of weakness!

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really be struggling with letting go of someone.

Let me help get you there, NOW, before you get even more stuck.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

Why It’s So Hard to Let Go of Someone You Love

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Are you trying to let go of someone you love but who you know is really, really bad for you?

Has the person who you love decided he no longer loves you?

Are you sick of craving your ex, ruminating on good memories, trying to figure out personal flaws, catastrophizing about never loving again, seeking information about your ex, and stalking them on social media?

Trying to let go of someone you love is frustrating, emotionally exhausting and feels, at times, fruitless. But understanding why it ‘ s so hard to let go of someone you love can is great way to start down the path to healing.

Because you can heal. Really.

#1 – History.

Believe it or not, the number one reason that it is so hard to let go of someone you love is based on evolutionary theory.

Back in the day, as mankind was evolving and becoming who it is today, a key part of survival was the need for attachment.

In order for people to come together to make babies and to ensure the babies survival, men and women needed to form attachments that were strong – even unbreakable.

And, because of these attachments, mankind has evolved to be the dominant species on earth (which is too bad but that ‘ s another article).

So, basically, the need for attachment, the need to have a person in your life permanently, is literally needed for the survival of the species. And, as much as we have evolved into modern society, our most basic need, for attachment, persists because without it we would become extinct.

#2 – Chemistry.

When we are falling in love, and in love, our brain chemicals actually change.

Falling in love raises your dopamine which means you are happy, ecstatic even, but lowers your serotonin. When your serotonin is lower you feel more anxious, agitated and restless and have a tendency to be obsessive, compulsive and impulsive. Think about when your new love hasn ‘ t texted for a while and you are jittery and wondering where he is and if he still loves you.

As the relationship stabilizes into a secure attachment, dopamine is replaced by more serotonin and oxytocin, both of which combine to make you want to nest and feel calmer.

When we are fully settled and attached, the brain produces oxytocin. This chemical is fed by spending time together, doing chores, having sex etc.

When we are trying to let of love, or when we are being broken up with, when obstacles get in the way of the attachment, even more dopamine is produced because the experiences of romantic love are heightened by diversity, obstacles and uncertainty. This increase in dopamine means the feelings of love get intensified which means we fall deeper in love with our person at the prospect of being left.

Finally, when our person has left and we are all alone, we are left literally craving the chemicals that have been in our body throughout the relationship. Kicking this craving will be like kicking alcohol or tobacco. It will be really hard.

But, like alcohol and tobacco, the longer you stay away from it, the less you will crave it.

This is why it is essential, when trying to let go of someone you love, that you put a permanent and compete distance between you and him. Don ‘ t feed the craving but let it go.

#3 – Internal conflict.

There are three parts of the brain:

  • the brain stem, which is responsible for bodily functions
  • the limbic brain, which regulates emotions and attachments
  • the neocortex, which regulates executive functioning.

The limbic brain and the neocortex have a very difficult time communicating.

You know how you know that a relationship should be over but you just can ‘ t let go because you don ‘ t ‘ ˜feel ‘ like it ‘ s over. This is because the two parts of your brain aren ‘ t communicating.

We stay in a relationship that doesn ‘ t serve us because our logical brain (neocortex) knows that the attachment is unhealthy but the limbic brain NEEDS that attachment to exist and survive.

This internal conflict is something that you can ‘ t control when you first break up but, like with the chemicals, with time the neocortex will prevail.

When we start to take care of ourselves, stay away from the person who gets our limbic brain agitated and use mindfulness to focus on other things, our neocortex gets stronger and finally the two parts of your brain will connect and tell you that, in fact, the relationship is over and that it’s time to move on.

#4 – A decimated self-esteem.

There is nothing more personal than being left by someone you love. No matter what, we are left with feelings that we aren ‘ t good enough. That we are missing some personality trait that makes us unlovable. That no one will ever love us and that the world would be better off without us, losers that we are.

Tise reduced self-esteem is one of the reasons why it is so hard to let go of someone you love. When we feel bad about ourselves we want to reach out to the person who once loved us, to get confirmation that we aren ‘ t all that we think we are, that they left us not because of our limitations but because of some external force.

And that is something we rarely get. We continue to feel bad about ourselves no matter what.

Furthermore, the end of a relationship is like a death – something that was super important to us, that we had such high hopes for, that we had pinned our future on, is gone and we are left mourning that loss.

Unfortunately, in this modern culture, mourning is not okay. Sure, we are allowed to be sad for a while but it doesn ‘ t take long for your friends and family to tell you to ‘ ˜just move on. ‘ For them to get sick and tired of listening to your pain and want you to get on with your life does not help how you feel about yourself.

Having your feelings belittled and neglected only adds to the feelings of shame. Not only has our love abandoned us but so too our family and friends.

#5 – Lack of answers.

Almost worse than the trauma of being apart from our loved one is the lack of answers. We have been rejected and are confused and we have no idea what happened.

We spend all of our hours wondering what happened. Why did something so promising fall apart? Why did someone we had been married to forever decide to walk away?

Those unanswered questions torment us and, with the decreased serotonin, we become increasing agitated. We seek ‘ ˜closure ‘ which only aggravates our limbic brain and gets us going down the same path that we have been on already.

And, more often than not, there aren ‘ t any answers. ‘ It ‘ s about me, not about you. ‘ “I just need to spend some time alone. ‘ None of these answers will be enough to calm your aching heart.

If you can try to disregard the questions, knowing that you might not get the answers that you seek, then it might help you move on more quickly

I know you are in a lot of pain right now because you have to let go of someone you love.

There might truly be nothing worse than a broken heart. But you can survive it.

Understand that the history of our species makes us want to stay attached, that our chemistry makes withdrawal from an attachment supremely difficult, that our brain ‘ s internal conflict is powerful, that our self-esteem has plummeted and that we are left mostly only with questions. Understanding these things will help you let go of someone you love so that you can get on with your life and meet the guy who you are supposed to be with.

It will happen. Winston Churchill said ‘ ˜If you are going through hell, don ‘ t stop. ‘ Suffer through the pain and you will emerge, like a butterfly, on the other end.

I promise.

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really struggling how to let go of someone you love.
Let me help get you there, NOW, so you can start to heal.
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

 

Warning Signs of a Toxic Relationship – Red Flags that You Shouldn’t Ignore

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Are you looking for warning signs of a toxic relationship because you are wondering if you are in one yourself?

Sometimes we are too close to a relationship to recognize the signs that it has turned into something damaging. Our friends and family tell us but it ‘ s hard for us to recognize because we are in it every day.

It is important that you know the signs of a toxic relationship so that you can recognize whether yours is one and whether it ‘ s time to get out.

#1 – Contempt

One of the hardest to recognize, but one of the biggest, red flags is the presence of contempt in a relationship.

Contempt is defined as ‘ ˜the feeling that a person is beneath consideration, worthless or deserving scorn. ‘ Signs of contempt include eye rolling, unkind words, sarcasm and dismissal.

Contempt can be hard to recognize because it ‘ s easily explained away. Oh, I deserved that or He is just crabby or He was just showing off for his friends are excuses that are often used to justified contempt.

Think about your interactions with your person. Is there contempt? Do one or the other, or both, of you speak to each other sarcastically? Do you talk behind each other ‘ s backs? Do you roll your eyes when your partner tries to make a point?

The number one killer of relationships is contempt. When people treat each other contemptuously the respect in the relationship is gone. And without respect, nothing else matters.

So, take a good hard look at how you and your partner treat each other. If there is contempt, contempt that causes pain, then your relationship is most likely a toxic one.

#2 – Obsession

Many of my clients who are in toxic relationships (and there are many) struggle with obsession over their partners.

They want their partners to be in constant contact. They stress out when texting habits change in any way. They give up everything in their life to be with their person. They twist themselves into pretzels to please the other.

Healthy relationships are based on the mutual ability to respect and trust each other. If one party is obsessed with the other partner, if they rearrange their life so that they can always be available for their partner, then the relationship isn ‘ t balanced or healthy. And obsession is toxic – an unhealthy attachment to someone can cause nothing but pain.

So, if either partner in your relationship is obsessed with the other, then your relationship might very well be toxic and it might be time to make change.

#3 – Unkind words

Do you or your partner lash out at each other verbally? Do words spoken, either calmly or in anger, inflict pain? Is the language laced with profanity, words that belittle and make you feel very much less than?

Words aren ‘ t meant to inflict pain. Words can express anger and disappointment but those words shouldn ‘ t inflict pain, make you feel bad about yourself or display disrespect.

Pay attention. If either you or your partner are repeatedly raising your voices and inflicting pain, instead of expressing feelings, then you might be in a toxic relationship.

#4 – Physical Pain

In movies and on TV we often see people who are being physically abused by a partner. Nicole Kidman ‘ s character in Big Little Liesis repeatedly abused, physically, by her partner but she is quick to justify the behavior and, often times, blames herself.

Any physical pain that is inflicted on a partner is a sign of a toxic relationship. Healthy relationships involve no physical pain of any kind. Words might be said in anger but not derisively and certainly not involving any physical pain.

If you partner is hurting you, or you are hurting your partner, causing each other physical pain, then you are definitely in a toxic relationship.

#5 – Possessiveness

One big indicator of a toxic relationship is when one partner controls the other.

One of my clients had a partner who had complete control of her actions. He dictated whether or not she could attend school, who her friends were, how she dressed, when they would have sex and what she ate for every meal. He also told her that only he was allowed to end the relationship. She took it all for granted and assumed that’s just how relationships were. Yeah, no.

People in healthy relationships do not try to control the other person. People in healthy relationships give each other the freedom to live their lives and be their own person. People who control everything that their partner does are people who create toxicity and discord in a relationship.

Are you given the freedom to be who you want to be in your relationship? If not, your relationship might be toxic and it ‘ s important that you recognize it.

#6 – Mixed Messages

Another hard-to-spot indicator of a toxic relationship is mixed messages.

Mixed messages are messages that go one way and then another. Perhaps your person says that they are done with you and then reach back out to be with you again. Over and over. Or perhaps your person says they love you in that red dress but then make fun of you to their friends. Perhaps they tell you they love you and then treat you horribly.

Mixed messages are incredibly difficult and confusing. Many women hold on tight to the positive things said and let go of the negative, thereby justifying why they want to stay in the relationship.

But, in fact, someone who gives you mixed messages is someone who truly isn ‘ t that into you, someone who, if you stay involved with, will only cause you sadness and pain.

In a healthy relationship two people love each other without exception. Sure things can get topsy turvy sometimes, but still the mutual respect and admiration is present. No one makes the other feel bad with flip-flopping feelings and yo-yoing behaviors.

Is your relationship affected by mixed messages? If it is then you very definitely might be in a toxic relationship!

Knowing the warning signs of a toxic relationship is a very important part of a happy life.

Often, when we are in the midst of strife, it can be hard to see the truth. Others might tell us that they see warning signs but it might be hard for us to see them too.

Hopefully, now that I have spelled them out here – the contempt, the obsession, the unkind words, the physical pain, the possessiveness and the mixed messages – you will be more clearly able to see whether your relationship is a healthy one or not!

If it ‘ s not, get out NOW before it ‘ s too late. You have one and only one life. Live it!

Do youwantto know more about how to recognized toxic relationships?
Let me help you, NOW, before its too late!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

What to do when Boundaries are Crossed in Marriage

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Marriage is long and difficult and when boundaries are crossed in marriage it can be disastrous.

A vital part of marriage is trust and when established boundaries are violated a marriage can breakdown.

So, it ‘ s very important that, when boundaries have been crossed, it is dealt with right away.

How? Let me help.

#1 – Acknowledgement.

When boundaries have been crossed in marriage, it is essential that both parties acknowledge that the boundaries have been crossed. Unless there is agreement that the boundaries have been violated there is no way to begin the healing process.

A client’s husband had violated their ‘ ˜no mid-week drinking ‘ boundary. They had both realized that when they drank wine after work their parenting skills around bedtime suffered. So, they agreed to abstain. When her husband came home one night smelling of beer, she was very upset because they had an agreement and he had broken it.

Her husband pushed back at first, justifying his behavior, but then he acknowledged that he had violated their agreement. With that mutual understanding, their healing could begin.

#2 – Conversation.

An essential part of healing when boundaries are crossed in marriage is conversation.

I believe that conversation is essential to any healthy relationship and when boundaries have been crossed especially so.

For my client and her husband, it was very important that they revisit why they had set the boundary in the first place, why he had crossed the boundary and what next steps they should take around the boundary.

They agreed that the boundary had been set in place for the sake of their children. He explained that he drank because he had a work dinner and he wanted to make his client feel comfortable but knew that he had crossed their established boundary nonetheless. She expressed her disappointment in the fact that he hadn ‘ t kept his word and that he had been a little bit out of it during the kids bedtime routine.

Each of them were able to speak their piece, know they had been heard, and get ready to take steps for figuring out resolution.

So, a key part of surviving boundaries being crossed in marriage is talking about it! Without conversation, moving forward is impossible.

#3 – Resolution.

Once my client and her husband had spoken their piece, they set out to figure out what they should do about the existing boundary. Did they feel like it was a boundary they should maintain or one that needed reconsideration? They wanted to make sure that both of them felt comfortable with the boundary because they knew that a healthy marriage was based on mutually agreed upon boundaries.

After some discussion, they agreed that the boundary was important and that it should stay in place and that, if another work dinner arose, they would address that situation when it came.

It is important, when trying to figure how to fix things when boundaries are crossed in marriage, to work together to identify what can be done to come to terms with what was done and to make a plan for moving forward.

#4 – Benchmarks.

After conversation and resolution, the next step to managing boundaries is by setting benchmarks.

Benchmarks are a point of reference against which other things are compared. Setting benchmarks is an important part of moving forward.

For my clients, their benchmark was how effective the no mid-week drinking boundary was. They defined what they wanted to achieve by setting this boundary (a more peaceful dinner and bedtime routine). When that boundary was violated, they looked carefully at what kind of effect the violation had on their family. They realized that it did make things more difficult and they agreed to pay attention going forward to how to make bed time better.

If you have set boundaries and they have been crossed, going forward focus on why that benchmark was set and whether it ‘ s important to have in place going forward. You don ‘ t want a boundary in place that is impossible to achieve and which might cause more problems in your relationship.

#5 – Support.

When boundaries are crossed in marriage, significant strain can result. Relationships are tested because trust is violated. If the boundaries are crossed over and over, things can really turn bad.

If boundaries have been crossed in your marriage and it is creating stress that you can ‘ t resolve, seek professional help. It is important that trust is maintained in any relationship and a therapist or life coach can help you manage it.

Addressing issues in a relationship head on is important so, if you can ‘ t resolve the feelings that arise when boundaries are crossed, seek help immediately and keep things from getting worse.

When boundaries are crossed in marriage, significant damage can occur.

It is important that the issue is addressed immediately, that both parties acknowledge what is going on, that the issue is talked about, that a resolution is made and benchmarks set and that, if you can ‘ t resolve the issues, you seek professional help.

Keeping your relationship healthy is important to it ‘ s longevity so work hard to get past issues that arise decisively and move forward. Together.

Do youwantto know more about what to do when boundaries are crossed in marriage
Let me help you, NOW, before its too late!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

Why Does Love Hurt in a Relationship? 5 Surprising Reasons.

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Why does love hurt? I mean, seriously.

Love in the movies is full of roses and sunshine but, for some reason, in real life it ‘ s different.

Being in love means being in pain. Maybe not all of the time but certainly some of the time.

Many people are in pain because they are actually being physically or psychically abused by their partner. We aren ‘ t going to talk about that today. We are going to talk about why every day, regular, loving relationships can be painful.

The answers might surprise you!

#1 – The uncertainty about the future.

When you are wondering why does love hurt one of the biggest reasons is because of the uncertainty of it all.

Love is wonderful and when we are falling in it we feel so wonderful and secure. And happy. And we get accustomed, in a way, to that security and comfort and we don ‘ t want it to go away.

Unfortunately, there are no guarantees in love. We know that from experience. And our hearts are so scared that this relationship will turn out like others and will cause us pain. Again.

So, it ‘ s the not knowing the future of our relationship – how it will turn out – that causes us physical pain. The anxiety can cause stomach pain, heart ache that feels real, head fog and other physical symptoms. Symptoms that cause us literal and figurative pain.

Try to manage your worries about the future. No one knows what will happen and worrying about it will only take away from the happiness that you are feeling right now.

#2 – The expectations of what could be.

Unfortunately, it ‘ s that darn future that causes love to hurt in a relationship.

For many of us, living in the moment is very difficult. Instead of enjoying where we are right now, we project ahead to the future. Even if you are secure in your relationship, wondering what is next can cause physical and psychic pain.

It ‘ s those questions that you run over and over in your head that do it. When will I see him again? What will we do, if anything, this weekend? When can we move in together? When will she introduce me to her friends?

Again, worrying about the future, even in a secure, committed relationship, can cause pain. The symptoms can be similar to those described above. You might also find yourself feeling needy and clingy, neither of which are very fun for your partner.

So, if this is you, worrying about the future constantly, try to let it go and focus on right now.

#3 – The chemical crash.

Another reason that love is so painful is because of our body ‘ s chemistry.

When we are falling in love, all sorts of wonderful chemicals are coursing through our bodies.

Dopamine, serotine, oxytocin and endorphins are all stimulated when we are experiencing love and lust. Those chemicals feels SO good that they are, in a way, addictive. Because our bodies only produce them at certain times, like when we are falling in love or after we exercise, when we don ‘ t have them we crave them.

You know how, when after a lovely weekend together, you separate and the feeling is intensely painful? That is because your body is literally going into withdrawal of those chemicals that make you feel so good. And you won ‘ t feel them again until you have some contact with your person.

This withdrawal is extremely painful and we will do just about anything to ease the pain. This need leads to anxiety about when we will see them again and the suffering is intensified.

If they are struggling with withdrawal pain, I encourage my clients to exercise. Dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin and endorphins are generated by exercise and you can, at least temporarily, get those chemicals coursing through your blood again and alleviate that pain.

#4 – The baggage we bring.

Yes, we have all been in and out of love over the course of our lifetime and, for many of us, the memories of what caused previous heartbreak is real and still present in our mind. As a result, we bring the baggage from past relationships into our new ones and that can cause pain.

I know that I have had a number of boyfriends who have let me down. They made me promises, big promises, and then didn ‘ t follow through with them, leaving me heartbroken.

As a result, when I am in a new relationship, I am constantly on the lookout for being let down. Sometimes it ‘ s so bad that I set up my new guy to let me down, just to see what he will do.

This baggage, baggage that comes from past relationships, can cause us a lot of pain in our new ones. And that is dangerous because we don ‘ t want that baggage to interfere with the new one ‘ s success.

If you are carrying pain from past relationships, try to let it go and not project it onto your new partner. It ‘ s not his fault that another guy messed up so don ‘ t make him pay for it!

#5 – The letdown.

You know when you are falling in love and you are so excited that you finally met a person who had their shit together and knew how to treat you. Years and years of searching and FINALLY you hit paydirt!

Or did you?

When we are falling in love, all we know is that our person is perfect. But then, as time goes on, our person reveals more of who he is and we learn that maybe he isn ‘ t exactly who we thought he was.

I am not saying that your perfect guy turned out to be a narcissistic sociopath (although that does happen) but your perfect guy does turn out to be imperfect.

Perhaps the guy who always used to hold the door for you sometimes doesn ‘ t. Or perhaps he has revealed himself to be a bit of a slob. Perhaps he spends more time at work then he used to or he plays a few more video games then you might like.

When the person we thought was perfect turns out not to be, there can be a huge letdown. It ‘ s not that they aren ‘ t perfect enough to keep around but sometimes the awakening can be a rude one. And a painful one.

So, what do you do when the letdown causes you pain? You take stock of the good things about your person (like the fact that he isn ‘ t a narcissitic sociopath) and, if necessary, address the things that might not be so perfect. If you know that the video games are going to be an issue, either talk to him about how you feel about them or choose to accept them as part of your life.

Either way, don ‘ t let the fact that your person isn ‘ t the perfect person you thought he was get in the way of your happiness. You probably aren ‘ t quite the person he thought you were either and still he stays.

Why does love hurt? Why can ‘ t life be easy and full of joy?

On some level, these are existential questions but there also some concrete reasons why.

Fortunately, the pain doesn ‘ t need to mark the end of a relationship. Take stock of the things that are causing you pain and take steps to address them.

Are you feeling uncertain about your future? Do you wonder about expectations? Do you struggle with the chemical crash or the weight of the baggage that you bring? Do you wonder if this imperfect person is the one for you?

Address these things one at a time and the pain that you feel in your relationship can be managed and reduced.

Love can be wonderful and love can be painful. Make sure that the balance of the two is equal and you can live happily ever after!

You can do it!

Do youwantto know more about how to dealwithpain in a relationship?
Let me help you, NOW, before it’s too late!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

 

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