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How To Let Go Of Toxic Love And Start Loving Yourself

November 1, 2018/2 Comments/by Mitzi Bockmann


Are you wondering how to let go of toxic love? Does the prospect of doing so seem simply impossible?

If falling in love is the most wonderful feeling in the world,letting go of love is the most horrible feeling in the world.

There is nothing worse than the physical pain of losing a love – the pit in your stomach, the broken heart, the feelings of despair and hopelessness.

Learning how to let go of toxic love is not easy but it is possible. Just follow these steps and before you know it you will be able to let go of a love that is holding you back and start loving yourself again.

#1 – Ask yourself if you are ready to really do this.

Before you begin any life changing process you must ask yourself how determined you are to actually do it. On a scale of 1-10 how close to a 10 are you? Because withoutsteadfast determination you will not be able to accomplish something as challenging as getting past a lost love.

So, are you ready to do this? Is there any part of you that is holding on to the possibility that things could work out? Do you feel like you aren ‘ t strong enough to do this yet?

If the answer to any of these questions is ayes, then perhaps you should wait a bit longer before you begin this process. Time is a great healer and with some time you will get stronger and be ready to take on this challenging task.

Either way, ask yourself some tough questions about this relationship and make a conscious decision to stay or go. Doing so, making a purposeful move, will help you start respecting and loving yourself again which is a key part of letting go toxic love.

#2 – Block him everywhere.

I know that we all think that we need ‘ closure ‘ at the end of a relationship, that final conversation where everyone gets to say what they want to say and you understand each other and walk away as friends.

I am here to tell you that closure is a myth. What closure really is is one last chance to spend time with and talk to that person you still love. Because really, if you could have a conversation and finally understand each other why couldn ‘ t you make it work as a couple?

So, when you have decided that the relationship is over cut him off. Block him on your phone, disconnect on social media, stay away from places where you know he will be.

Why? Because what you need to do is break the addiction you have to this person, to change your habits.

Think about Oreo cookies. You know how hard it is to eat just one? It ‘ s the same with your man. Even one point of contact can draw you back into his circle, the circle that you have decided that you are determined to break yourself out of.

So, gono contact right away. It will make the process way easier!

As a side benefit, not spending your time and energy stalking him on Facebook but doing something that makes you feel good is exactly what you need to do to start loving yourself again.

#3- Define what you need to let go of.

This is very important. What is it that you need to let go of to move on?

I have a client who was ready to let go of a man who she loved very much but who she knew wasn ‘ t the man for her and she was struggling with it because of the love she still felt.

I asked her to look at it like an onion, an onion where feelings are layers that must be removed to get to the core. What was the top layer?

For my client it was anger. She was angry at her man for the way he had treated her and angry with herself for wasting so much time letting him do so. That was her first layer. She had to deal with the anger.

The second layer was the hopes and dreams. The hopes and dreams that she had had for their life together. It had all seemed so promising at the beginning and she was still struggling to believe that it couldn ‘ t go back to what it was. But she knew it couldn ‘ t and she knew that she would have to let go of those hopes and dreams in order to move on.

The third layer, the core actually, was the love that she still had for this man. And this love, we decided, wasn ‘ t actually something that she wanted to let go of. She knew that they didn ‘ t have a future together but their past, their experiences together, how she felt about him, was something that she wanted to hold on to. Not in a hopeful way but as something from her past that was special to her.

By examining each layer of the onion my client was able to peel back and discard one layer of emotion at a time which left her with the one piece that she wanted to hold on to, one that wouldn ‘ t hold her back from moving on but that she would carry with her in her heart going forward.

#4 – Question what is true and what is not.

This is such an important piece of letting go.

We all have ideas in our head about truths in our relationships but, unfortunately, often these truths are not so much – they are just hopes and dreams that we have made up over the course of the relationship.

I have a client who had hopes and dreams of a life that she wanted with her boyfriend that had absolutely no basis in reality. She wanted to move to the woods, raise sheep, have kids and grow old together. She had this idea firmly stuck in her head that this was what she wanted and if her boyfriend loved her enough he would embrace her dream too.

What she didn ‘ t realize was that although this dream of hers was wonderful there was NO WAY she was going to have it with her boyfriend. He loved the city, hated livestock and didn ‘ t want kids for at least another decade.

I asked her to consider these things that she knew to be true, what he didn ‘ t want, and stack them up next to what she did want, her hopes and dreams. When she did she finally saw that the truth of the situation was different from what she had been telling herself in her head.

Armed with that knowledge she was one step closer to letting him go.

#5 – Figure out what you REALLY want in relationship.

The final part of letting go is getting to know what exactly it is that you want from someone in a relationship. Without knowing what you want you are going to have a hard time getting it.

So, make a list. Make a list of what youwant from a man in relationship with you. It doesn ‘ t have to be long but make it comprehensive.

My list, in part: someone who makes me laugh, who knows who he is and what he wants, who loves my kids and who wants to make me a priority in his life.

So, make your list and run through it with your current guy in mind. Chances are, if you are reading this article, that he won ‘ t match up with many of the things on that list and you will finally understand because you will see it there clearly, in black and white.

And your emotions just can ‘ t argue with black and white. He is not what you want. Time to move on.

Right now, take a moment and picture the guy who has all the traits that you want in a man, sitting right next to you. How good would that feel, to be loved by someone who was the right person for you. And what a great way to get back to loving yourself.

Letting go of something that once seemed so promising is very difficult and will take some steadfast determination on your part but you can do it.

Learning how to let go of toxic love can seem difficult but if you can master it your life will only get better.

So, cut off contact, peel back the onion, question your assumptions and define what you want. Before you know it, you will have clarity that you are making the right decision and will be able to let go.

And that means: Step #6 – Get yourself back out there.

I know that right now you feel like you might never love again but putting yourself back out there doesn ‘ t mean you have to fall in love. Putting yourself back out there means that you get to dress up and flirt anddate and have a lot of fun. And maybe, just maybe, you will find another love but in the meantime you can enjoy yourself and the freedom you have as a single girl. Embrace it!


Is holding onto toxic love keeping you from finding your true love?
Let me help, NOW, before too much time goes by!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!


 

Mitzi Bockmann
Mitzi Bockmann

I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention,  Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.

When You’ve Been Betrayed: 5 Tips for Surviving Emotional Infidelity

October 28, 2018/by Mitzi Bockmann


Have you just discovered that your partner is in love with someone else and are you thinking that surviving emotional infidelity is going to be impossible?

Does some part of you wish that your partner was just having sex with someone else, not having feelings that he once had for you. Do you lie awake at night picturing him sharing intimacies with her, wondering what you are missing.

Do you feel like you are going CRAZY??

Surviving emotional infidelity can be difficult but it is possible. Here are 5 tips for doing so.

#1 – Don ‘ t take it personally.

I am sure that, since you discovered your partner ‘ s emotional infidelity, you have spent a ton of time obsessing about what you could have done differently. If you had just had more sex with him or watched him play softball or listened to him when he talked about work, then maybe he wouldn ‘ t have had to go out and find someone else.

Let me tell you that most emotional affairs are not something that someone goes looking for. They are something that just kind of happens.

A client of mine had been friends with a man for years – just friends – and then one day they ran into each other at the supermarket. Both were depressed and for some reason they confided in each other in a way that they hadn ‘ t confided in their spouses. After that, they continued to share and support each other through their depressive times and before they knew what was happening they found themselves in love with each other.

Of course, emotional affairs don ‘ t happen in a void. There is often some degree of distancing between partners that opens up a space for someone else to enter. But your partner ‘ s affair is NOT YOUR FAULT. It most likely would have happened whether you listened to him complain about work or not.

#2 – Don ‘ t suffer in silence.

For many people, once they find out their partner is having an emotional affair, they clam up.

Instead of addressing the issue with their partner, they retreat into themselves, obsessing about the affair, wondering whether it ‘ s still happening, wondering what ‘ s next for their relationship.

They wait, in silence, hoping it will all pass and go back to the way it used to be.

What they don ‘ t do is talk with their partner about it directly. They don ‘ t talk about why it happened, if it will continue, what needs to be done about the situation or how they each feel about what is going on.

It is important that, if your goal is surviving emotional infidelity, you talk with your partner about what is happening. You can do so alone or with a therapist, if you need help with the conversation. But you need to do it. Soon.

#3 – Get some help processing.

Another thing that you must do, once learning about an emotional affair, is get help processing it.

While friends are a great source of support, they are definitively on your side and might not give you the best advice.

It is important that you seek out the help of a life coach or a therapist to help you through these difficult times. You will be struggling with guilt, shame, anger, sadness, fear and many other emotions and if you don ‘ t deal with them they could fester for a long time and getting past all this will be more difficult for you.

So, reach out for some professional help RIGHT NOW!

#4 – Take care of yourself.

When we are going through emotionally rough times there are two directions we tend to take: we either fall onto the couch with ice cream, binging Netflix, or we push ourselves really hard to get things done. Either one is meant to numb the pain that we are feeling.

I would encourage you to not partake in either extreme but to settle somewhere in the middle – to take care of yourself.

Make sure you get enough sleep every night and if you can ‘ t sleep find something that will help you do so. Melatonin works for me or you could ask your doctor to give you something a little bit stronger. Without enough sleep you will find dealing with what you are dealing with more difficult.

Try to eat balanced meals regularly and indulge in only a reasonable amount of ice cream.

Lastly, make sure you get your heart rate up every day. Take a walk or dance around your apartment. Getting your heart rate up is an excellent way to deal with the stress you are under and the dopamine that your body will generate from the exercise will help smooth out your emotions.

If you take care of yourself instead of sinking into the couch you will find surviving emotional infidelity significantly easier.

#5 – Decide next steps.

As you process your partners emotional infidelity it is important that you start thinking about next steps.

This is not something that you need to do right away. It is important that you work through your feelings about what has happened first. But, when you are ready, it is important that you consider what you want the rest of your life to look like.

Do you see yourself staying with your partner, working through what happened and moving forward? Or do you think it ‘ s time to cut bait and move on with your life so that you can find the happiness you want and deserve?

I have a client who discovered her husband ‘ s emotional infidelity 3 years ago. In spite of his repeated promises that he would end it, her husband continued to have a non-sexual but intimate relationship with this woman. My client suspected it was happening and fought constantly about it with her husband but she continued to live with him.

She became obsessed about the relationship. It interfered with her every day peace of mind, her work and the joy she should have felt at her daughter’s wedding. To this day she is still with him and her life is on hold. Her self-esteem is low and her future unsure.

Don ‘ t let yourself get to this point. Make a decision about what you want your life to look like and make it happen. Life is short. Don ‘ t waste it!

Surviving emotional infidelity probably feels impossible and unlikely to you right now. But, I can promise you that you can and you will survive.

Think about all of the things that have happened in your life that you thought you wouldn ‘ t survive. Did you survive them? Did you learn from them? Are you glad that you went through some of them because they changed the direction of your life?

This emotional infidelity can be the same. It ‘ s another blip in the story that is your life. And you can survive it!

Try not to take it personally, talk to your partner about it, get help from outside sources, take care of yourself and look to the future. All of these things will help you get through this next period of your life intact.

Get started NOW! You can do it!


Have you been betrayed and are struggling to survive?
Let me help, NOW, before the struggle overwhelms you!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!


 

Mitzi Bockmann
Mitzi Bockmann

I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention,  Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.

How To Set Appropriate Boundaries For Marriage Separation

October 21, 2018/by Mitzi Bockmann


Are you considering taking the first step to ending your marriage and are you wondering how to set appropriate boundaries for marriage separation?

Good for you for planning ahead! Marriage separation is a big move, and a very challenging one, so making a proactive effort to set boundaries is an excellent plan!

Not sure where to start? Let me help!

Appropriate boundaries for marriage separation will be different for everyone but there are some specific areas that most people consider when creating those boundaries.

#1 – Maintaining physical space.

For as long as you have been in this relationship, you and your partner have shared space. You have had both shared and separate schedules and you come as go as you please.

Not anymore.

Now that you are separating, ground rules will have to be set as to who is where when.

If you are living in the house, when can your partner come over? Does he call ahead? Do you always want to be there or never want to be there when he comes?

What about the possessions in the house? Will they stay as is until the divorce is final or will your partner remove his half to furnish his new place?

How about the kids ‘ school events? Will you both attend or do you need to make a schedule to define who goes where when?

Physical space is a very tricky area to maneuver during a marriage separation. Emotions are usually so high that maintaining some kind of space is important but to what extent it ‘ s up to each couple.

#2 – How money will be spent.

Do you and your partner have a shared bank account? One where both of your money is deposited when received?

Or do you have separate accounts and one joint one to manage household finances?

Perhaps he gets paid in cash and it gets kept in a safety deposit box while your funds go into the house account?

Whatever your bank situation, once you are separated, the bills are still going to need to be paid. It is important that you and your partner decide who is going to pay what when.

Here is a partial list of things to consider when dividing things up

  1. Household management expenses – mortgage, utilities, water, cable, trash, taxes, home maintenance costs
  2. Household occupant expenses – groceries, clothing, pet care, car costs
  3. Kids ‘ expenses – school, activities, day care
  4. Medical Insurance – doctors and therapist expenses

Again, this is a partial list. Here is a link to a more comprehensive link, should you desire one.

#3 – Time spent with the kids.

This is a big one. Who gets time with the kids is one of the most emotionally charged pieces of getting separated, so emotionally charged that people often don ‘ t get separated so that they don ‘ t have to deal with it.

As soon as possible after the decision to separate occurs, it is important the you decide who is going to see the kids when. This will be a scary time for the kids and having a schedule in place ASAP will help them a lot in the transition. And helping them get through this intact must be a high priority.

So, work together, being as reasonable as you can, to make sure that the kids have time with each parent.You might not like your partner right now but they are still your kids ‘ parent and time with them is important.

#4 – Interactions with new partners.

I remember, when my ex-husband left me for someone else, he tried to bring her into his life right away. He introduced her to his family within months and insisted that our kids meet her soon after.

Our kids were devastated. Their daddy wanted them to meet his new love, someone who wasn ‘ t their mommy. This person meant nothing to them – he was just their dad ‘ s girlfriend but he thought it was imperative that she become a part of their life.

Before you make the decision to bring the kids into your grown up romantic relationship, carefully consider your motivations. Are you doing it for them or for you? Do you feel like you need to be validated by your kids or is your new partner pressuring you into making the introduction?

Remember, for most kids, all they really want is their parents back together so bringing someone new into the equation too soon will not be a good thing for them. Perhaps not for anybody.

#5 – Consider your own personal needs.

The list above is of areas that most couples look at when setting appropriate boundaries for marriage separation but it isn ‘ t an exhaustive one.

It is important that you consider what is important to you when setting up boundaries.

For me, it was essential that I had my things around me when I moved out of the house. I knew that to survive the emotional turmoil that was ahead I would need the comfort of things that I feathered my nest with. So, I asked for my things and I took them.

What might be important for you to have to get you through this tough period? Perhaps you want to go to marriage counseling and want that to be part of the established boundaries. Or perhaps it ‘ s important to you that you continue to spend one weekend a month as a family, visiting your aging parents.

Carefully consider what YOU need to stay strong and healthy during what might be the most difficult time in your life.

Breaking up a relationship sucks. It ‘ s just that simple. And setting appropriate relationship boundaries for marriage separation is a key part of managing just how sucky it will be.

Work closely with you partner during this tumultuous time, to try to keep your family business running on an even keel, even if emotions are running high.

Many couples don ‘ t set boundaries and all hell breaks loose around the family and the finances, to the point that relationships fail and finances are ruined.

Don ‘ t do that. Set some boundaries now! You will be glad you did!


Are you getting separated and looking to set boundaries?
Let me help, NOW, to make the transition seamless for everyone!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!


Mitzi Bockmann
Mitzi Bockmann

I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention,  Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.

How To Let Go Of Love And Move On When He’s Left You For Someone Else

October 17, 2018/by Mitzi Bockmann


Has your person left you for someone else? Are you wondering how to let go of love and move on, even when your heart is shattered and you feel like your life is over?

First of all, I am so sorry. There is nothing worse than a broken heart. NOTHING.

Secondly, I can promise you that, even though your heart feels shattered now, your life is not over and that there is hope for a very bright future for you, and for your heart.

But, you ask, How do I get there? How can I get past this pain?

Let me help ‘ ¦.

#1 – Feel your feelings.

The guy that you love just left you for someone else. The hopes and dreams that you had for the future have been completely dashed. You are spending time alone that you used to spend with him. Your life is totally different and, honestly, not so great.

You are going to be sad. You are going to be pissed! You are going to be devastated. And it ‘ s okay.

I remember, when my ex-husband left me for someone else, that I was devastated. In a matter of days, I went from wife to nothing. He had moved on from his wife and from there forward it was him and her. I felt like I was nothing.

That pain lasted a long time but it did eventually pass. A big part of that was me letting myself feel my feelings – my anger, my sadness, my contempt, my disgust. I felt them all and let them go. It hurt a lot to do so but I did it. I truly believe that if I had stuffed them down I would still be dealing with them today.

It is important to be okay with the emotions that you are feeling. It isn ‘ t a reflection of any weakness on your part. It ‘ s a reflection of the pain that you are feeling. And it is important that you feel those feelings. That you feel the pain and the sadness and the regret and whatever emotions arise as a result of the break up.

Only by truly feeling and processing emotions will you be able to work through them and let them go.

#2 – Have no contact. NONE.

Often, when we are broken up with, what we want more than anything is one last conversation. Some closure, if you will.

I believe that closure is a myth.

What we really want in that last conversation is one last chance to be with that person. To perhaps convince them to stay. To prolong the goodbye, even just a bit.

I encourage you to fight against that impulse. All it will do is make you seem desperate and drag out the inevitable. Hold your head up high, say good riddance, and move on.

Also, there is nothing more tempting, when your lover has left you for someone else, then to stalk him or her on social media.

I know that it doesn ‘ t seem like that big of a deal, to take a quick peak at your person ‘ s feed, but you know, as well as I do, that there is a chance you could see something on there that you just don ‘ t want to see. You will see PICTURES of what he is doing and with whom. And chances are, seeing those things will send you into a tail spin. How could it not?

So, eliminate all ties to your loved one on social media. Block him on your phone. Don ‘ t ask your mutual friends about what he is doing. Don ‘ t talk to him yourself.

Tell yourself that he has moved to Mars and that you will never see him again.

You will be glad you did.

#3 – Get hot.

Yes, you read that right. Get hot.

Ok, so you are single again and you suddenly find yourself with lots of free time. And you might also find yourself craving a lot of ice cream.

Now is not the time to sit around, watching Netflix and eating ice cream. While those things might be fun in the moment, in the long run they will only make you feel worse.

Exercise is one of the best ways to manage grief. During exercise your body produces endorphins and endorphins actually make you feel better. And, as a side benefit, exercise also gets you in shape.

Imagine having the body that you have always wanted – you know what body I am talking about. Now is the time to get it. Start exercising to help manage your grief and use it to get in great shape and to feel better about yourself.

And, while it ‘ s not about revenge, let your ex eat his heart out when next he sees you!

#4 – Live your dream.

Another thing to do with all of that free time is to start doing something that you have always wanted to do. Don ‘ t sit around feeling sorry for your empty space –do something with it.

When a client of mine was abandoned by her boyfriend she was a wreck and feeling lonely as hell. I asked her if there was anything that she had always wanted to do, something that she hadn ‘ t done because she was in a relationship.

Without a pause she said YES – she had always wanted to go to Peru and hike the Machu Picchu trail. Could she do that now? I asked. And she said, Why the hell not?

So, my client set out making plans to travel to Peru in the spring. She researched tour groups, found a few friends to come with her, worked to get in shape and ultimately went on the trip of her dreams.

The planning kept her occupied instead of focusing on her guy and the trip changed her life, making her realize that if she could do that she could do anything.

What is it that you have always wanted to do? Pick one thing and start doing it. You have the time. Life is short. Don ‘ t waste it!

#5 – Believe, believe, believe.

Yes, right now your heart is broken. You just can ‘ t imagine being able to get through this day or the next. You know that you will never love or be loved again. Sigh.

No! You have to believe. You have to believe that your great love is out there. That you are more than a little loveable and that what you are going through is only temporary. Think about what you want and work on truly believing that you will get it. And then take the steps to do so. You can do it!

And, if you are feeling hot and full of self-confidence from all that exercise and surviving your grief, imagine what that special someone will think when they first lay eyes on you. WOW!

I can promise you. You will love again. He is out there. I wonder what he is doing right now.

Figuring out how to let go of love and move on after losing your person to another can be a daunting thing.It ‘ s hard to believe that you will ever be okay again.

I can promise you that you will be okay! It might take a little bit but, once you have done the work you need to get past it, your breakup will be a distant memory and your new life will be great!

So, feel your feelings, cut him off completely, get yourself into shape, live your dreams and believe.

Your life will go on, better than ever. You will see. I promise!


Did your man find someone else and are you wondering if you can survive?
Let me help, NOW, before the pain becomes too much to bear!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!


 

Mitzi Bockmann
Mitzi Bockmann

I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention,  Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.

5 Strategies For Surviving Infidelity And Depression

October 14, 2018/by Mitzi Bockmann


When you began your affair did you ever imagine that you would someday find yourself reading an article on surviving infidelity and depression?

Did you ever in your wildest dreams think that the thing that started out to be so amazingly wonderous would lead you down this dark path to where you find yourself today?

The thing about infidelity is that it ‘ s a mass of contradictions. When you are with your person you are high as a kite. You are madly in love and the sex is great. And then, when you aren ‘ t with this person, you feel like shit. Your self-worth is in the toilet and you are wracked with guilt.

And what comes with the guilt? Depression.

Fortunately, there are strategies for surviving infidelity and depression.

#1 – Keep your mind busy.

I have a married client who was having an affair with a married man, a stay at home dad she had known for years but with whom she had just started a sexual relationship.

From the moment the affair began, she was obsessed with this man and how alive he made her feel. Her marriage was not a happy one, and she didn ‘ t really like her stay at home mom life, so this affair was the perfect escape from her hum drum existence.

Unfortunately, this obsession only got worse the longer the affair lasted. She would think about him morning, noon and night. She didn ‘ t sleep and was distracted from her chores and her kids and keeping the family train on track.

The obsession was eating her alive and, man, she was depressed.

We knew that she needed to do something that would take her mind off her guy, even for a bit. She decided that she would give yoga a try. And it WORKED!

For my client, to spend even just 1.5 hours a day at a yoga class, focusing on the breath and challenging poses instead of her guy, was enough of a break for her to reduce the obsession. Her mind got to rest which was a huge relief for her.

She still couldn ‘ t let go of him but her mind quieted and he consumed less of her head space. It also helped to ease her depression, if only for a bit.

#2 – Keep your friends close.

This same client, because she was so obsessed with being available whenever her guy was available, slowly but surely cut out her relationships with her friends.

Whereas before her affair she would go for walks with her friends or go to the movies or get involved in committees, now my client did nothing but sit around the house, alone, trying to get things done, wondering where her guy was and when she was going to see him again.

Because she didn ‘ t see her friends, and hadn ‘ t told any of them about her affair, she really started to sink into a depression. No longer did she have her support system to help her make it through the day. She didn ‘ t have friends to process things with and she no longer laughed with them as they walked in the woods.

It is important that, no matter what kind of relationship you are in, that you keep your friends. Relationships come and go but your friends will always be there to help you through.

You won ‘ t be stuck dealing with your depression by yourself.

So, go pick up the phone and call someone RIGHT NOW!

#3 – Keep working towards your goals.

For my client, before she started her affair, she had big goals. Her kids were old enough to be in school full day and she wanted to rekindle her previously successful real estate career.

To that end, she got re-licensed and reached out to her old boss. He was thrilled to have her back because she had been a high achiever before her kids were born.

So, my client tried to go back to work. She tried to get herself going the way she used to. To network for clients. To get listings. To put herself out there and succeed.

But, not matter how she tried, she just couldn ‘ t.

My client was so obsessed with her affair that she wasn ‘ t able to put herself out there to succeed. As a result, her depression deepened because not only was she having an affair that she was obsessed with but she could seem to get her own life back even a smidge.

So, if you are trying to survive infidelity and depression, make sure you work your hardest to not let your life goals fall by the wayside. Continue your upwards trajectory so that your self-esteem doesn ‘ t get lost along the way.

#4 – Keep your body fit.

After a year of having an affair, my client had lost twenty pounds. She didn ‘ t eat or sleep or take care of herself. She was a quivering mess of nerves. Her depression had deepened.

Then she started doing yoga to quiet her mind and it really helped. After a few months she noticed that her body was getting stronger. She gained some of the weight back and was feeling healthier.

When she looked in the mirror and saw that she no longer looked like a skeleton but somewhat resembled her old self, her depression eased a bit. A small light at the end of the tunnel for her but a light nonetheless.

So, if you are struggling depression caused by your affair, make sure that you take care of yourself and keep your body strong. Make sure you sleep and eat well and get at least 30 minutes of exercise that raises your heartbeat.

Nothing fights depression like the dopamine that is created by a little aerobic exercise!

#5 – Keep working towards letting go.

The number one best strategy for surviving infidelity and depression is also the hardest one. Can you guess what it is? Yep, it ‘ s letting go of your guy.

When my client began her affair, she assumed it would be a one-time thing. Twice, max. But her affair went on and on and on. For 3 years in fact. And for that entire time, she struggled to let go of her love and move on.

She would tell him they were done and they would be, for anywhere from a week to 6 months. And during those brief periods she got her life back. She would see her friends, find her drive, calm her thoughts and no longer be depressed.

But, every time, they would fall back into their relationship and she found herself right back where she started – depressed.

So, keep trying to break things off with your guy. It ‘ s one of the hardest things you will ever have to do but it is possible!

When you do, you will have your life back. How great would that be?

Surviving infidelity and depression is not an easy feat. It might even be the hardest thing that you ever do. But you CAN DO IT!

Very rarely do we seek out infidelity – usually it appears just when our life seems bleakest, when our marriage is struggling and we have lost some of ourselves. Unfortunately, once infidelity gets it ‘ s claws in you, it ‘ s hard to break free.

But there are ways to manage your depression along the way. Keep your mind busy, your friends close, your ambition high, and your body toned. And don ‘ t EVER stop trying to break away from your lover. I know that you love him but anyone who is wreaking this much havoc in your life is just not good for you!

My client did it. Her life today is great. She left her marriage but she has a new life, with a new man. She is healthy and happy and living a life that is true to herself and to her beliefs.

You can have that too! I promise.


Is your infidelity wreaking havoc on your emotional health?
Let me help, NOW, before it makes everything worse!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!


Mitzi Bockmann
Mitzi Bockmann

I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention,  Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.

How to Stop Feeling Depressed After Letting Go of Love

October 3, 2018/by Mitzi Bockmann


Are you feeling depressed after letting go of love?

Were you in a relationship that just wasn ‘ t working anymore and were you forced to let go of it?

Do you find yourself alone now and feeling depressed, hopeless that you will never be happy again?

Let me tell you that you aren ‘ t alone – that there are many women out there RIGHT NOW feeling the way you do. And the good news – you will all feel better soon. I promise!

How? Let me share what I know ‘ ¦.

#1 – Accept that you are going to be sad.

You have just broken up with someone you love. The hopes and dreams that you had for the future have been completely dashed. You are spending time alone that you used to spend with him. Your life is totally different and, honestly, not so great.

You are going to be sad. You are going to be devastated. And it ‘ s okay.

I remember, less than 12 hours after my mother died, my step-father was telling himself to snap out of it, to not be sad. He couldn ‘ t handle the pain that he was feeling. So, he stuffed it down. And, 4 years later, he is still overwhelmed by his loss.

It is important to be okay with the emotions that you are feeling. It isn ‘ t a reflection of any weakness on your part. It ‘ s a reflection of the pain that you are feeling. And it is important that you feel those feelings. That you feel the pain and the sadness and the regret and whatever emotions arise as a result of the break up.

Only by truly feeling and processing emotions are you able to work through them and let them go.

So, embrace your emotions. Own them as your own. Process them and let them go. If you do so, you will be able to let go feeling depressed after letting go of love.

#2 – Take care of yourself.

One of the reasons that it ‘ s so hard to get over feeling depressed after letting go of love is because when we are feeling depressed we stop taking care of ourselves.

Are you spending large amounts of time in your pjs, eating ice cream? When you do go out are you drinking more than usual? Are you not sleeping? Have you gotten any kind of exercise in recent memory?

If you have answered yes to any of these questions then you are not alone. I don ‘ t know many women who doesn ‘ t treat emotional issues with ice cream instead of marathons. So, don ‘ t feel bad but do try to make some change.

If you can ‘ t sleep, take some melatonin to help you get some. If you are eating ice cream, try to eat just a little bit less. Try to get off the couch and take a walk.

Taking care of yourself in this rough time is an essential piece of getting over feeling depressed after letting go of love.

#3- Do things that make you happy.

I am someone who struggles with depression every day and one of the key things that I do when I am depressed is make sure that I do things that I know make me happy on good days.

What kind of things? I watch movies. I eat Pad Thai. I have sex. I spend time with my kids.

There is factual evidence that doing things that make you happy, that make you smile, actually help to alleviate depression. The actual act of smiling has been proven to change the chemicals firing in your brain, the ones that are causing the depression.

So, what makes you happy? I know that you are feeling depressed and the idea of doing ANYTHING is too much to bear but get up off the couch and do JUST ONE THING that you enjoy doing. See what happens.

#4 – Stay off social media.

For some reason, when we are going through a break-up, we can ‘ t resist the temptation to stalk our guy on social media. The temptation to see what he is up to, who he is hanging out with, who he might be seeing is just too much to resist.

When you do it, does it make you feel better? I didn ‘ t think so.

One of the most important parts of getting over feeling depressed after letting go of love is to remove yourself completely from anything to do with your ex. Block him on your phone. Disconnect from him on Facebook, Instagram, etc. Don ‘ t talk to your friends about what he is doing.

Instead, pretend like he just doesn ‘ t exist. Pretend that he is a guy you used to know who has disappeared off the face of the earth. The less you think and know about your ex, the easier it will be for you to get over him.

#5 – Put yourself back out there.

I know. I know. The prospect of getting back into another relationship is the last thing that you want to do. To give of yourself to someone else when you still have love for another person.

And that is fair. But it ‘ s also important that you don ‘ t stop living your life. You only have one life and it ‘ s short.

So, if someone from work invites you out for a drink, do it! Go to the movies with friends. If you are invited to a party, go to it. Put yourself back out in the world and into the path of love. You will meet new people, have new experiences and maybe find yourself another person to call your own.

If you stay home, on the couch, watching The Bachelor, eating ice cream you might feel safe and less vulnerable, but you will also stay depressed because you have stopped living your life and you just won ‘ t feel good about yourself.

Put yourself out there. Live your life. You will be glad you did.

Feeling depressed after letting go of love is a horrible feeling. What we want more than anything is to feel relieved at finally having the strength to get out of a relationship that wasn ‘ t serving us.

Unfortunately, it most often doesn ‘ t work that way because grief, and the depression that accompanies it, is usually the first part of the healing process. Luckily, grief is only the first step and that there is hope for your future.

So, embrace your grief, feel it and release it. Take care of yourself, do things that make you happy, stay off social media and get yourself out there.

When you are ready, sooner than later I hope, you can let go of your love and reach out for a new one – yourself.


Is your broken heart leaving you incredibly depressed?
Let me help, NOW, before the depression takes over!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!


 

Mitzi Bockmann
Mitzi Bockmann

I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention,  Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.

5 Unmistakable Signs that You Are Most Likely to End Up Divorced

September 30, 2018/by Mitzi Bockmann


No one goes into marriage wanting to get divorced.

Rather,we all have visions of finding our prince and living happily ever after.

Unfortunately, most marriages today end in divorce. Mine did after 18 years. It was a surprise to me but the signs were all there.

Since then, and working with many clients over the years, I have learned that there are 5 unmistakable signs that you are most likely to end up divorced and I can spot at 50 yards a couple who just won ‘ t make it.

What are the signs that indicate you are most likely to end up divorced? Let me share ‘ ¦

#1 – Unrealistic expectations have been set.

Often times, when people enter into marriage, they believe that they have found their soul mate. That this person will be their lover and their best friend and the father of their children and that love will guide them through it all.

Unfortunately, these expectations just aren ‘ t reality based. No one can be everything to one person. To expect someone to be everything to you is setting yourself up for disappointment.

People in the healthiest marriages are people who have many people in their lives, people who are their friends and mentors and support systems. They have their partner for love and intimacy but many other people who can be there for them, for fun and support.

So, go ahead. Marry that prince of yours. But be realistic in your expectations of what your relationship will look like and don ‘ t let yourself be disappointed.

#2 – Communication has become impossible.

Marriages that end in divorce usually involve people who just can not communicate. They aren ‘ t able to talk about their feelings and they aren ‘ t able to listen to other ‘ s talk about theirs.

Marriage is a lifetime journey and two people occupying the same space for such a long time can be challenging. To manage it effectively, it ‘ s important that people communicate.

When issues arise, it is important that they are addressed head on, with clearly spoken words and someone on the receiving end to hear them. It is important that there is a give and take so that everyone ‘ s needs are met so that both people feel safe and secure in the marriage.

Couples who can ‘ t communicate, who aren ‘ t able to share their issues, are couples who will start looking elsewhere for someone to be in a relationship with because the one they are in seems beyond repair.

#3 – People can ‘ t read minds.

How many times have you thought He should know that I need him to pay attention to me after the kids go to bed. Who wouldn ‘ t want that?

Yes, in the movies, the hero is always able to look at his woman and guess intuitively what she wants but, unfortunately, it just isn ‘ t like that in real life.

IF you want something, ASK FOR IT. Tell you partner specifically what you need so that he can give it to you.

I can promise you that your man wants to do whatever it is that makes you happy but expecting him to read your mind about what it is is setting yourself up for disappointment. You might start searching for somebody else to read your mind and that could end your marriage quickly.

#4 – Things are taken personally.

I have a client who takes everything personally.She asked her husband to stop on his way home from work and look at the windows that she had chosen for their house renovation. Unfortunately, he forgot. Work got busy and then he got hungry and he just forgot.

My client, instead of being understanding or angry, took his actions a reflection of his feelings for her. If you loved me, she said, then you would have remembered to look at the windows.

My client ‘ s husband, after 15 years of this kind of response to his actions, finally gave up trying to please her and left the marriage.

It is important that one understand that other people ‘ s actions are not necessarily a reflection of the way they feel about you. Of course, at times they are, but to think that if every action your partner takes is a reflection of his feelings for you then your marriage is doomed.

So, when he lets you down, let him know that he did so but don ‘ t think that it ‘ s because he doesn ‘ t love you. Because, most likely, he does.

#5 – Change doesn ‘ t happen.

The number one reason why, after a tumultuous marriage, divorce happens is because people refuse to change.

Of course, as marriages go on for years, people evolve. After 20 years of marriage, I was definitely a different person than the bright eyed girl who walked down the aisle that day.

And, as my husband and I realized that we were no longer seeing eye to eye, we went to therapy. And in therapy we both identified things that needed to change for us to stay married.

Unfortunately, the things that needed to be changed – my lack of interest in sex and his interest in drinking – just weren ‘ t changeable. We tried but, ultimately, we failed and we went our separate ways.

So, if faced with needing to make some change to save your marriage, work hard to do so. Divorce can be hard and if you can do anything to stop it, do it!

Marriage is messy. We all enter into it with the best intentions but we often get lost along the way.

If you want your marriage to succeed, make sure you choose someone you can talk to, don ‘ t set your expectations too high, don ‘ t expect mindreading or take things too personally and be willing to make change if it ‘ s the right thing to do.

You can do it! It ‘ s worth it!


Are you worried that your marriage might end up in divorce?
Let me help, NOW, before any more damage is done!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!


Mitzi Bockmann
Mitzi Bockmann

I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention,  Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.

5 Surprising Reasons Your Man Is Useless When You Are Emotional

September 26, 2018/by Mitzi Bockmann


Ok. Picture this. Your man has just said something that has upset you in a big way. He might not have meant to do it but he did. You throw your dishtowel at him, burst into tears and rush out of the room.

What would you like to have happen next? Maybe that he will follow you out of the room, curl you up in his arms and soothe you with words of love and regret. That would definitely make you feel better.

And what does he do instead? Nothing. Nothing.

Twice in the past week I have had conversations about this topic with men and I learned that when we get upset or angry, our man doesn ‘ t rush to help us not because he doesn ‘ t want to but because he can ‘ t.

Why can ‘ t he? Read on ‘ ¦

#1 – His mind goes blank.

Every man I talk to says the same thing: When she is upset my mind goes absolutely blank. Blank.

This surprised me. As a woman, when faced with someone ‘ s emotions, I can literally feel the gears in my brain turning, quickly, searching for the right thing to say or do and, usually whatever I decide happens almost instantly.

Not so with guys. Apparently, when faced with an emotional woman, men truly have no idea what to say or do. That is why they just stand there, paralyzed and not helpful, in the face of our tears.

So, next time you are upset, pause for a minute (if you can) and see if your guy is standing there with a blank expression on his face. If he is, know it ‘ s not because he doesn ‘ t care. It ‘ s because his brain has literally stopped working. At least for the time being.

#2 – His heart races.

When faced with an emotional woman, men can actually have a physical reaction.

Much like when they are watching an exciting football game where their team is winning with just a few seconds left but the other team has the opportunity for a field goal, a man who is faced with an angry girl has a racing heart.

When the heart races it ‘ s because the adrenaline has kicked in. And when adrenaline kicks in our instincts are instantly primal, not logical or emotional, as we might like them to be. And for a man, when his adrenaline kicks in, his tendency is not to sit and cuddle.

So, even if we would like our guy to overcome his physical reaction and be there for us, he just can ‘ t.

#3 – His flight or fight instincts kick in.

Another thing that kicks in with the adrenaline is oldest survival instinct: the fight or flight instinct.

When faced with a life-threatening situation, our ancestors had a choice: to fight the wooly mammoth or flee. This instinct kept human beings alive and evolving into the creatures we are today.

Part of our survival is that flight or fight mechanism and, for men, when faced with a woman ‘ s emotions, it ‘ s often flight. To get away as quickly as possible.

Think about the last time your man fled your anger. Did you follow him to the next room and continue to be angry? What did he do? Did he just take it or did he fight back? He had tried to flee, but couldn ‘ t, and then he fought back. Hard.

Maybe letting him flee is a good idea. Give him a chance to figure out what to do for you.

So, when your man tries to run from your emotions, understand it ‘ s not that he doesn ‘ t love you. It ‘ s his human instinct, caused by the adrenaline, that is making it happen.

#4 – He just wants to fix you.

One of the most frustrating things for women is that, when they are feeling upset, their man just wants to fix them.

What we women want when we are emotional is to be listened to and have our feelings validated and to be hugged and kissed and made to feel loved.

Yeah, well, if that ‘ s what you want, that ‘ s why you have your girlfriends. It all seems so easy but for men it just isn ‘ t.

A man ‘ s first instinct, when given any problem, is to just fix it. To take whatever the issue is at hand and do whatever it takes to make it better. Unfortunately, when it comes to emotions, men don ‘ t have a lot of tools in their toolboxes to fix their women and they are lost.

So, understand that your guy ‘ s efforts to fix you are out of love – he just doesn ‘ t know how to do it any differently.

#5 – He feels helpless.

To many men, emotions are super scary. Their minds go blank and their heart races and they know that they just can ‘ t fix whatever is happening.

They feel totally helpless in the face of what you are going through.

What I have done with my guy is to tell him, when I am not sad or angry or emotional, exactly what I need for him to do. I need him to acknowledge my emotions and be able to sit with it, not trying to fix it. I need him to hold my hand and tell me he is there and not run away until I am better.

We all want our men to instinctively know what to do when we are sad but their instincts are different from ours. Tell your guy what you need, what tools he should keep in his tool-box, so that he doesn ‘ t feel so helpless next time.

For us women, emotions are something that are familiar – not scary or off-putting.

For men, it’s different. Emotions are a scary thing that make their minds go blank, their heart race, their fight or flight instincts to kick in and something that they just can ‘ t fix.

Going forward, try to understand that our men, as much as we would like them to be, just can ‘ t naturally react to us the way we want them to when we become emotional.

Teach them what you need from them, be patient that it might take them a few minutes to implement those things and understand that he really just wants to do his best when you need him.

Really, he does.


Is your man’s inability to handle your emotions starting to affect your relationship?
Let me help, NOW, before it’s too late!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!


 

Mitzi Bockmann
Mitzi Bockmann

I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention,  Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.

5 Reasons A Relationship Without Boundaries Isn’t Healthy

September 19, 2018/by Mitzi Bockmann


Have you been told that a relationship without boundaries isn ‘ t healthy?

Are you wondering what exactly relationship boundaries are and why you need to have them in your relationship?

Let me help! To understand healthy relationship boundaries, look at the four walls of your house. Those walls are the structure that holds your life together. They hold your food and your bed and your possessions and it ‘ s where you live your life.

Healthy relationship boundaries are the same as those four walls of your house. They are the things that support your relationship as it grows. To have a healthy relationship, one that can grow and be fruitful, it is important that it has structures, boundaries, that support it.

Healthy relationship boundaries come in many shapes, sizes and colors and they are essential and appropriate for every relationship, whether it be new and exciting or more settled and safe.

Unfortunately, without the four walls around it, a relationship can founder. Why?

#1 – Without boundaries, expectations aren ‘ t clear.

One of the biggest reasons that relationships start to founder is when mutual expectations aren ‘ t met.

Have you ever been in a relationship where your partner just didn ‘ t understand something that was really important to you and that lack of understanding HURT!

Maybe in the beginning of your relationship you always celebrated Saturday mornings by breakfast in bed. A few months into the relationship he started to instead played soccer with his friends.

Did you TELL him how important it was to you that you do that Saturday morning ritual? Did he know how much it hurt that he left you by yourself those days? Or did you just stew and think that if he loved you he would know how important this ritual was to you?

One important relationship boundary is that you set clear expectations of what is important to you so that you both know. We just can ‘ t read each other ‘ s minds and it ‘ s essential that we share what we want and need so that the relationship can be a healthy one.

#2 – Without boundaries, you can lose yourself.

For many of us, when we get into a relationship we tend to lose ourselves in it. In the beginning, all we want to do is be with that person and as the relationship continues we keep up that pattern. Because we want to be with them always, we agree to do what they want to do and put our own needs aside.

Unfortunately, as a result, many of us lose ourselves because we give ourselves over completely to the other person, doing what they want and seeing who they like. Before we know it, we have no idea who we are in the world. Our friends have fallen away, our hobbies are sidelined and we find ourselves without an identity of our own.

And when this happens, our self-esteem plunges. And who wants to be in a relationship with someone with no identity and low self-esteem?

So, set this boundary. Make sure that each of you have time on your own and that you come back to each other in between.

#3 – Without boundaries, one person might always be in charge.

An interesting pattern that often happens in relationship is that one person tends to be in charge.

This particularly happens in marriages with children. Women tend to take over running the family business because they are juggling all of the balls and the men are left as support staff.

Unfortunately, one person being in charge can lead to loss of respect on the part of the person in charge and contempt on the part of the person being bossed around.

So, make an effort to make sure that you are both boss of some aspect of your life. Share the responsibility. Most of the couples that I know who are still married after 20 years work together to keep their family running smoothly.

#4 – Without boundaries, you could stop liking each other.

Imagine if, every day, you and your partner let each other down because you haven ‘ t set clear expectations. And if every day, you are a little more clingy to your guy because of you have lost who you are in the world. Or if, every day, you are condescendingly bossy to your husband because he always seems clueless about what needs to be done around the house.

If that is your every day, do you think that you will continue to like your partner? Do you think the joy that you used to feel every time you saw them will stay with you? Do you think your partner will look upon you with the same respect that he did when you first dating?

Without clear boundaries, the friendship that is so important in any healthy relationship could evaporate. And then where are you?

#5 – Without boundaries, friendships could founder.

Ever since the Victorian age, when Victoria and Albert found true love in an arranged marriage, the ideal of the traditional marriage is that you will find your best friend AND the love of your life AND and a life partner.

That is a tall order for any kind of relationship. To be all things for a person. A lot of pressure, to say the least.

I have always said that I have a friend for every mood. I have a friend for when I am sad, a friend for when I want to play, a friend for going to the movies and a friend to go hiking with. My boyfriend is definitely someone I would choose for some of those activities but definitely not for all of them.

It is essential that, in relationship, you maintain outside friendships because the pressure to be all things to one person is just too much. Unsustainable, some might say.

Make sure that you make the time and spend the energy to maintain your friendships, friendships that will sustain you no matter what you need or what happens in your life.

Relationship boundaries can be hard to understand but are very important to put into place for a healthy relationship.

So, first off, set clear expectations on both sides for what is important in your relationship. Adjust them as time goes on. Make sure that no one is in charge and that you maintain your own, independent life. Work hard to keep liking each other.

Healthy relationships can be hard to maintain but if you do the work, it will be worth it. I promise.


Do you want your relationship to be healthy and strong?
Let me help, NOW, to set some boundaries that will keep it that way!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!


 

Mitzi Bockmann
Mitzi Bockmann

I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention,  Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.

5 Traits of a Guy You Want to Fall in Love With

September 16, 2018/by Mitzi Bockmann

 

Don ‘ t you just want to find someone to love. Someone to make a life with and live happily ever after with. Why can ‘ t it just be that easy?

Why? Because we meet a guy who has everything on our list – things like he is smart, funny, handsome, independent – and we jump in because we think he might be the one.

BUT, are those things – the things on our list – really the personality traits that are essential for a long-lasting relationship?

I would say NO. I think they are important but they aren ‘ t THE most important things to look for in a man who will love you forever.

So, let ‘ s try doing it differently. Let ‘ s start by looking for a guy who has the personality traits of a guy you want to fall in love with and those things on our list second.

So, what are those traits?

#1 – An eagerness to learn.

Don ‘ t you just hate guys who think they know everything?

How they come into a relationship thinking that they know what makes a relationship work and how people need to behave and they aren ‘ t willing to consider doing anything differently.

We all come into relationships with a certain amount of baggage. Hurt from past relationships, disappointed expectations, frustrations at how hard it all is, unrealistic expectations about what could be.

All of those things make forming a relationship difficult but they are also all things that could allow a relationship to flourish, if dealt with correctly.

What about if you found a man who is able to look at his past mistakes and see how he might have done things differently. Or a man who didn ‘ t hold things that went wrong in past relationships over your head, assuming that those things will happen in your relationship as well.

What if you found a guy who was willing to look to take a fresh look at how a relationship could be WITH YOU and was willing to listen to ideas from you about what might work wellA guy who is willing to learn other ways to be in a relationship is a guy who is going to make a woman fall in love with him.

#2 – Putting others first.

A man who is going to be someone you want to fall in love with is a man who is interested in putting others first.

A man who is willing to miss the football game for a birthday dinner with his mom. Who will open a door for someone even if he knows that that person will then be ahead of him in that really long line. Who is willing to bend his schedule to accommodate being with the woman he loves when she needs him.

Many men put themselves first, either out of habit or necessity. Perhaps they are protecting themselves, perhaps their mother made them that way or perhaps they are just clueless. But what good is a man with a wicked sense of humor who doesn ‘ t put others first, at least some of the time?

Do you want to be playing second fiddle for the rest of your life?

#3 – Flexibility.

Life is messy and a key personality trait in a guy who women fall in love with is flexibility.

Every day, even the best laid plans are dashed by life. And when plans are dashed then everyone needs to work together to set things back in motion again.

A client of mine owns her own business and has a crazy busy schedule that often changes on a dime. As a result, she often has to change plans with her guy. Instead of getting pissed that she can ‘ t see him or taking it personally that she has to shift things again, her guy rolls with it. He knows exactly what is happening and is happy to accept it as part of being with her. She in turn makes every effort to communicate changes to him as soon as she knows of them and that Friday night and Saturday morning are set in stone as time for them. They are both flexible and that makes their relationship work.

And yes, he is good looking and she was immediately attracted to him but, over time, the flexibility that he displays regularly is way more important to her!

#4 – Self-respect.

There is nothing more attractive to a woman than a man with self-respect.

A man who takes care of himself and his space and the people around him.

I had a Match date once with a guy I emailed with for more than a week. I really, really liked him and was looking forward to our date. We were meeting for coffee and I dressed casually but carefully in anticipation of our meeting.

And him? He showed up in sweats with stains on his shirt and holes in the knees. His hair was a mess and he looked like he had just rolled out of bed. It was not a good first impression.

For me, I felt like a guy who didn ‘ t take care of himself wasn ‘ t going to be the kind of guy who could take care of me. And I was right – the more I got to know him, the more I saw that he was pretty careless in all of his life. A huge reason, I am guessing, why he is still single.

So, choose a smart guy but choose a guy who takes care of himself, his environment and those around him. A guy with self-respect who will respect you as well.

#5 – Self Awareness

Ok, so you have met the guy of your dreams. He is smart, funny, educated, employed and cute. And then you realize that he doesn ‘ t know that he is any of those things and that he has a chip on his shoulder because of it.

I have a client who was madly in love with a man she knew from college. They had reconnected on Facebook and after months of talking they got together.

Her man was smart, gorgeous and really good at making her laugh. And that was enough, until it wasn ‘ t.

Her man didn ‘ t know that he was smart, hot and funny.He had encountered many failures in his life and those repeated failures had made him incredibly insecure.

This insecurity ultimately destroyed their relationship because he couldn ‘ t believe that she loved him and he couldn ‘ t commit to her because he didn ‘ t think that he deserved her.

While he met all the criteria on my client ‘ s list, he didn ‘ t know who he was and their relationship was doomed.

Find yourself a guy who has done his work and who knows who he is in the world and that he likes that person. And that other people like him too.

Yes, love is the goal and a frustrating one it can be to reach.

I am here to suggest that if your quest for love is failing, you need to try approaching it differently.

So, make a list about what you want from the guy of your dreams and include more than a sense of humor and blue eyes. Think about what personality traits are important to you. Consider the above when you make your list.

Do things differently this time. You will be glad you did! I promise.


Is your search for love getting you down?
Let me help, NOW, because the guy of your dreams is out there, waiting for you!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!


 

Mitzi Bockmann
Mitzi Bockmann

I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention,  Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.

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I'm here to help

I am a New York City-based Certified Life Coach with 10 years experience as a working life coach. I am certified through the Coach Training Alliance and I am a member of the International Coach Federation.

Over the years I have worked with hundreds of people, like you, to help make serious change in their lives. These people have succeeded at, among other things, restoring the love in their relationships, getting to know themselves again and finding their place in the world.

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