5 Surprising Reasons Why People Cheat

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Although perspectives around cheating seem to be very black and white, the reasons why people cheat are really not so clear.

Many cheaters are seen as horrible people, people who are willing to destroy their relationship so that they can have sex with someone else. They are commonly seen as degenerates, lacking morals and ethics.

While straying from a relationship is often a mistake, people who cheat aren ‘ t always people of low moral character. They are people whose life experience has set them up for straying.

Understanding the 5 surprising reasons why people cheat might help you understand why your partner might have cheated and why cheating is so prevalent in our culture.

#1 – Their parents did it.

One of my clients went into her marriage with her eyes wide open. Both of her parents cheated and it had destroyed their family. She remembers vividly the yelling and the screaming, the sneaking around, the knowing glances at family parties, the general feeling of anger and distress that existed in their household.

She was determined to not have that happen in her marriage.

10 years into her marriage, she found herself miserable. She was trying to accept that her love and sex life was over and she was really struggling with it. And then, one day, she met a man at the bulk-food section in the local natural food store and everything changed.

Within months, my client was having an affair with her bulk-food guy. They were spending as much time together as they could, talking about things that they cared about and having the most amazing sex they had ever had.

One day, my client paused and realized that she was doing exactly what her parents had done. And she was mortified. History had repeated itself without her even noticing.

#2 – They are trying to sabotage their relationship.

Many people are stuck in relationships that they hate, relationships that started out so well and devolved into chaos.

Perhaps the relationship lacks respect and is full of contempt. Perhaps the sex has dried up. Perhaps there is nothing but fighting. Perhaps they hate each other to the extent they can ‘ t even spend a moment with each other.

For many people, these kind of toxic relationships are untenable but they are also relationships that they just can ‘ t get out of. Whether it ‘ s because they are scared to leave or because they are being controlled by the other person, escaping from this relationship seems impossible.

As a result, they see having an affair as an excellent way to sabotage their relationship.

They know that, when their person discovers their cheating, they will either kick them out or leave. They know that their person will no longer want to look at them, knowing they have had sex with someone else. They know that there is no way their relationship will ever survive infidelity.

So, instead of facing the issues in their relationship and trying to get out of it in a healthy way, one of the reasons why people cheat is because they think it will help them get out of the toxicity that they are forced to live with every day.

#3 – They are trying to save their relationship.

I had a client once whose therapist told her that her affair had actually saved her marriage.

For years, my client did not get the emotional support that she needed from her husband. They were excellent managers of their household, very good parents, their finances were strong, and, generally, they were happy. But my client was dissatisfied. She knew that something was missing in her marriage, something that her husband just wasn ‘ t able to provide.

When she started having an affair, those emotional needs started to be satisfied. While she thought she would never be able to love or have sex again, suddenly she was having tremendous amounts of both, and while this did fill her with guilt, it also allowed her to get what she needed in her life without leaving her marriage and destroying her family.

Another way that people see cheating as a way to save a relationship is because they see it as a wake-up call, that if their partner knows that they cheated they will see all they have to lose and step up to improve the relationship. I know it seems counter-intuitive but I have sometimes seen just that happen.

So, instead of directly addressing the issues in their relationship, people sometimes cheat hoping it will fix things!

#4 – They are depressed.

For many people who are depressed, nothing can make them happy.

Whether they are chemically depressed, which means that their brain chemistry is off balance, or they are situationally depressed, which means things in their life are causing the mood change, people who struggle with depression will go to great lengths to find things that will help them feel better.

A client of mine has spent the past year taking care of her dying mother. One day, one of the fathers of her son ‘ s friend started talking to her at a hockey game. They started talking at every game, and then they met for coffee, and then they started going for hikes together and, before they knew it, they were having an affair.

For the first time since her mother got sick, my client found herself not depressed. Of course, her mother dying was a horrible thing, but the time she spent with her guy allowed her to get out of her depression, even for a short period of time, which helped her keep herself afloat while watching her mother die.

Understanding that depression is one of the reasons why people cheat can help explain the unexplainable.

#5 – They have impulse control issues.

I bet right now you are thinking ‘ Yeah, right! Impulse control is no excuse for cheating. I mean, everybody has some sort of impulse control and not everybody cheats. ‘

And while this might be the case, many people do have impulse control issues and those issues can prevent them from being able to resist a situation that might give them pleasure.

Do you know how some people can ‘ t stop eating sugar, can ‘ t stop drinking coffee, can ‘ t resist spending thousands on eBay? Who, if presented with a bowl of ice cream or a delicious latte or a hand bag on Ebay, just can’t resist indulging. This is caused by a lack of impulse control. It is the same as people who cheat. Put a situation in front of them where they might cheat, they will find it hard to resist.

Of course, in our society, cheating is worse than alcohol, chocolate, or shopping but the situation is very similar. Often looking to self-medicate, people with impulse control issues will seek anything that they can to fill the hole that they are trying to fill.

There are many surprising reasons why people cheat.

Of course, there is the standard belief that cheating is all about the sex, all about betrayal of the partner, all about moral depravity. But, in fact, the reasons for cheating are way more complicated than that.

It can be hard to break the patterns that your parents taught you. Relationships are complicated and fixing them or leaving them can be difficult. Depression is a very hard thing to manage, as is impulse control.

None of these things are EXCUSES for cheating but they are CAUSES. And if you can understand the cause of something, you have the opportunity to come up with a fix.

5 Things to Do to Fill the Empty Space Left After a Break Up

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There is nothing worse than the empty space that is left after a break up.

For weeks, months, or years, you have had someone in your life, someone who shared the good times and the bad, someone who you went to the movies with, went out to dinner with, took home for holidays, etc.

That person, and the things that you did together, is now gone, leaving a wide open space that needs to be filled. Leaving it empty can be incredibly uncomfortable and cause a tremendous amount of pain.

So, what can you do to fill the empty space left after a break up? Let me help ‘ ¦

#1 – Spend time with people who love you.

There ‘ s nothing better to fill the empty space left after a break up then spending time with people who love you.

For many of us, when we are in a relationship, we fill all of our empty space with our person. But, remember, there was a time when you didn ‘ t have this person in your life. Who was your favorite person to hang out with before your ex? Who made you laugh? Who was your partner in crime? Who always made you feel loved?

Pick up the phone and call that person right now! Make a plan with them to do something that you used to do that made you happy.

The lesson here is that there are many people in your life who you love and who can fill that space for you, maybe even better than your ex could!

#2 – Get a change in scenery.

I know for one of my clients, the first thing she does at the end of a relationship is to make a plan to get away from her everyday life.

Usually, it involves a short drive to visit a friend or a family member but sometimes she goes bigger. Once she even planned a trip to London. She had always wanted to go there and was given an opportunity to run a marathon.

Her relationship had just ended so she decided to go for it! And what happened? She kicked ass in the marathon and she met a lovely British man who helped her manage her broken heart.

So, if you need to fill that empty space left after your break up, I would encourage you to change the scenery.

Where would you go for a change? Even if it ‘ s just going to a friend ‘ s house for the night, or going to visit your parents or jumping on a train and going to see an old friend or booking a flight to the Caribbean, whatever you can do to get out of the space that you occupied with your ex, ASAP.

Doing something different, even if for a brief moment, will help you fill the empty space that is feeling so painful right now.

#3 – Rearrange things.

One of my personal favorites, of all the things that I recommend for people to do while they ‘ re getting through a break up, is to rearrange things.

One of the reasons that there is so much empty space in your life is because your space is the same as it always has been.

Do you walk into your home and see the empty space your ex used to fill? Do you come home at the end of the day, as usual, and feel their absence?

Do you go out for your regular Wednesday night Thai food and does it only make you feel lonely because you used to do it together?

Well then, it ‘ s time to shake things up.

When a client of mine went through her divorce, she decided that she was going to totally rearrange her space. She was in a lot of pain at the end of her marriage and she wanted to do something different.

So, she swapped her bedroom and her living room. She moved her bedroom into the space with the fireplace and decorated it with all the things that she loved the most. She purchased new furniture for her living room and created a space for herself to spend time knitting and watching TV.

Whenever she went to bed at the end of the night, she didn ‘ t do so with the ghost of her ex-husband next to her. It was almost like she had moved to a whole new house and that empty space did not feel so empty.

So, try changing up your space. It might give you a whole new lease on life.

#4 – Try something new.

A client of mine recently went through a terrible break up. She was blindsided and left broken and empty.

This is not the first time has happened to her. Like all of us, as she goes through the dating world, she has gotten her heart broken more than once.

Typically, what she does when she ‘ s heartbroken is she stays at home, feeling sorry for herself, googling articles to justify how she feels about how her ex behaved, eating ice cream, and generally feeling sorry for yourself.

She decided to do things differently this time. After spending the weekend with her mother, crying and getting love, she drove directly to a music store and bought herself a violin.

When she was younger, she played the violin. She was really good at it and it made her really happy. When she went off to college and started her career, the violin fell to the side. She wanted to bring it back.

So, she bought the violin and filled those empty spaces with the instrument that had always brought her such joy. She was able to re-familiarize herself with how to play and she was able to build her skill and and find true joy. It was far better for her than sitting in front of her computer, reading things that were making her depressed and eating food that was bad for her.

So, is there something that you have always wanted to do or something from your childhood that you could start doing again that would make you feel good?

I encourage you to think about this and to take the steps that you can take to try something new, something that you never shared with your ex, so that you get to know yourself again and not see yourself only as part of a pair.

#5 – Take my course!

I have created a course, 4 Weeks to Letting Go of Love and Moving On, that I created especially to fill the void that has been left after a break up.

When we are left with empty space after a relationship ends, we are often left helpless and hopeless about what to do next. That empty space can be very debilitating.

In my course, you will find daily activities, things that you can do to help you fill that empty space in a healthy way so that you can move forward with your life.

The course is broken up into 4 weeks. The first week is about letting go of the pain. The second week is about rebuilding your self-esteem. The third week is about preparing to put yourself out there, either to date or just to live. And week four is about taking action with the goals you set.

This course is just the thing that you need to fill the empty space left after your break up, to rebuild your self-esteem, to get past the pain and to move on with your life.

Check it out here. It might just change your life.

Filling the empty space that is caused by a break up is an important part of getting through the pain and to come out the other side.

If you sit around at home, feeling sorry for yourself and not making any efforts to fill the space, you will never get past this break up.

I encourage you to get off the couch right now, to spend time with people who love you, to plan an excursion, to rearrange stuff in your life, to try something new, and to check out my new course.

I can promise you that, with time, this empty space will be completely filled with life and love. For now, take steps to deal with it so that you can heal and move forward!

You can do it!

5 Signs that Your Guy Doesn’t Want to Be in a Relationship

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Have you recently been thinking that perhaps your guy doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship?

Did you go into this relationship with big hopes and dreams but are you seeing that your guy might not be on the same page?

When many of us start to think that our guy doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship, we tend to ignore all the signs. We convince ourselves that our person does want to be with us and that we can keep them if we can just show them how much we love them.

Unfortunately, that never works.

It is very important that you don ‘ t ignore the red flags that indicate that your guy doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship.

You will waste a lot of time if you do.

Here are 5 signs that your guy doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship to not ignore so that you can get the life, and love, that you want!

#1 – He disappears.

One thing I can tell you for certain is that if a guy wants to be in a relationship, he will want to spend as much time with you as possible.

If your guy disappears, if he doesn ‘ t return your texts or your calls, if he makes excuses to not be with you, then your guy doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship.

A client of mine started having sex with an old friend. He told her over and over and over that if he was going to be in a relationship, she ‘ s the one he would want to be in one with. She took that to believe that they were working towards building a relationship together because she really wanted one.

But what he was doing was talking the talk but not walking the walk. He would constantly be making excuses about why he couldn ‘ t come over to see her. He was in recovery and constantly told her that he was working with people at his recovery center, even when he had promised her that he would be with her. He would say that he was coming over later and then wouldn’t show. When he did show up, he let her take care of him but did nothing in return.

My client got increasingly upset. She knew deep down that he didn ‘ t want a relationship but she just couldn ‘ t accept it. Instead of doing so, she just dug herself in deeper, believing that if she just held on, he would change his mind.

It finally took her having a total breakdown, and for him to be direct about his not wanting to have a relationship with her, for her to see that she was wasting her time.

She walked away. It was hard for her to do so and it took a while but finally she did.

She has now met the love of her life and she ‘ s getting married in October.

#2 – He only wants to stay home.

A guy who wants to be in a relationship really likes to show off his woman. He is actually eager to get out there and share with the world that this is the person he has chosen, and who chose him!

If your person has taken to only wanting to stay home, to watch movies, to eat dinner and to go to sleep early, then it ‘ s very possible that he does not want to be in a relationship.

By staying home with you, where he can be taken care of and have sex, your guy is able to maintain a semblance of a relationship to keep you happy without actually being in one.

So, if your guy no longer wants to take you out, to introduce you to his friends or his family, then it ‘ s very possible that he does not want a relationship.

If you ‘ re seeing this, consider walking away. NOW!

#3 – You are feeling insecure.

From many of us, when red flags present themselves, we ignore them.

If we think our person is pulling away, instead of taking note and walking away from them, we tend to lean in even more. We are nicer, we take care of them, we go out of our way to be available for them, we give them more sex, we do whatever we can do, believing that if we just love them enough they will want to be in a relationship with us.

I know that when my ex-husband told me he wanted to divorce, I went out of my way to be the best wife that I could be. I would dress up for him when he got home at the end of the day. I had way more sex with him than I usually did. I tried to be kind and direct and open. He had told me he wanted a divorce, but I didn ‘ t want to believe him. I just believed that if I gave him enough, he would stay.

He didn ‘ t.

All of this left me feeling horrible about myself. I knew that I was giving more than I was receiving and that I was debasing myself by doing so. As time went on, it got worse and worse until finally, I left, feeling like a shell of myself.

So, if your person is making you feel insecure, then it ‘ s definitely a sign that he doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship.

#4 – He doesn ‘ t make you a priority.

Be honest. Is your guy your number one priority? Do you put him above your friends, above your dog, above your family, above your work? (well, maybe not above your dog)

Of course, you do. He is the person you love.

But, let me ask you, does he do the same thing? Are you the most important thing in his life and does he regularly show you?

Think hard on this, because it ‘ s very important.

It is essential that, for two people to be in a healthy relationship, they make each other a priority. That they make an effort to put their relationship above all things, sometimes even above the kids.

Relationships are very hard and without constant effort, they can fall apart.

If your guy puts you after softball, work, friends, golf, etc., then he definitely does not want to be in a relationship.

People who want to be in a relationship act like they want to be in a relationship.

#5 – He tells you.

Has your guy told you, maybe over and over and over, that he doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship?

In spite of him saying this, does he keep coming and going, hanging out with you, having sex with you, letting you take care of him?

And are you telling yourself that you know that he really does want to be with you, because of his actions and in spite of his words? Well if you do, you are kidding yourself.

If someone tells you something directly, listen to them. If he ‘ s telling you he doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship, there is no amount of love that you can give him that will make him change his mind.

So, if he is being honest and direct with you, believe him! Don ‘ t believe that things will be different with you

I know the last thing in the world that you want to hear is it your guy doesn ‘ t want to relationship but it’s true.

At the beginning of relationships, we have such high hopes and dreams for the future. We believe that we might finally have found our person, and this makes us supremely happy. Letting go of that can very, very hard.

If he doesn ‘ t make you a priority, if he disappears, if he only wants to stay home and you are feeling insecure, it ‘ s very clear that he no longer wants to be in a relationship. And what I can promise you is that, if he ‘ s already made up his mind, there is nothing that you will be able to do to change it.

I would encourage you to walk away now! You want to find love and happiness so don ‘ t waste even one more minute on someone who doesn ‘ t want to be with you.

I know walking away is scary. You are afraid of the pain and you are afraid of being alone forever. But I can promise you the only way you will be alone forever is if you try to get keep this man.

You can do this I promise.

Why Your Husband Won’t Divorce You, Even if You Are Both Miserable

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Are you wondering why your husband won ‘ t divorce you, even though you are miserable?

I know it seems counterintuitive, because why would your husband want to stay in a relationship where you are both very unhappy, and yet he just won ‘ t leave. Enough to drive you crazy, yes?

There are many reasons why your husband won ‘ t divorce you, even if things are really bad. Knowing what they are will help you process them and, maybe, give you a new perspective about how to talk to him about a potential divorce.

Here are five reasons why your husband won ‘ t divorce you.

#1 – Finances.

For many men, the most important part of their marriage is taking care of their family and a big part of taking care of their family is the finances. Men work very hard to give their families the best life they can and getting divorced might very well make that more difficult.

If you and your partner get divorced, your finances might be severely damaged. Getting a divorce is expensive. Having two households is expensive. Paying alimony and child support is expensive.

I have a client who worked hard to get his family to a good place. They had a nice house, two new cars and they could travel. When his wife asked for a divorce, he froze up. All of the hard work that he had done would be undone. He wasn ‘ t sure if he could bear it.

The prospect of damaging his finances, and his family ‘ ˜s finances, might be a big reason why your husband won ‘ t divorce you, no matter how unhappy you are.

#2 – The kids.

For many men, they know the divorce means less time with their children. And that is scary for them.

They are used to coming home every night and seeing their children. If there is a custody agreement, that could mean that they won ‘ t see their children every day. Or perhaps not on holidays or birthdays. I am sure that you think about that too but men know that women usually get primary custody.

They also may be concerned that a divorce would create acrimony between the two of you which might turn their children against them. That could mean issues with the kids that didn ‘ t exist before.

They might also be concerned that their kids will struggle without them there. Or that you might get into a new relationship that might jeopardize their relationship with them.

Wouldn ‘ t thinking about all of those things make you pause before moving forward with a divorce?

#3 – The shame.

For many people, divorce is still not ok.

People make vows to each other on their wedding day to love and cherish each other forever. Divorce is breaking that vow. That might bring a lot of shame on your husband.

For many men, making a commitment is very important. Making a commitment in front of all their friends and family is very important. For them the idea of giving up on their marriage and getting divorced is incredibly shameful especially after making such a promise.

Furthermore, giving up on his marriage might mean dividing your social group, a social group that he enjoys. That social group might even judge him or talk about him.

The idea of those things can be very daunting and make men not want to take action.

The very idea of divorce can be very embarrassing for a lot of men. They see it as failure. And they don ‘ t want to be a failure in the eyes of the world.

So, if your husband won ‘ t divorce you, even though you were miserable, it very well could be because of the shame associated with it.

#4 – Denial.

For many men, facing emotions can be very difficult. While it ‘ s very easy for us women to process our emotions, it can be far more difficult for a man to do so. As a result, they might not see just how bad the marriage is.

Are you and your husband able to talk about your relationship? Does he seem to understand that there are issues? When you bring up the prospect of a separation or divorce, does he just shake his head and say ‘ ˜I don ‘ t know what you ‘ re talking about, we are fine ‘ ?

If this is your husband, you should try to understand that he is, most likely, in denial about the state of your relationship and that this could be why you he won ‘ t divorce you.

Additionally, many men say that they don ‘ t believe in divorce and therefore they won ‘ t get one. I always tell them that if they don ‘ t believe in divorce, they need to start believing in marriage. And believing in marriage means working on it.

Working on a marriage can be scary but they might consider it better than getting a divorce.

#5 – Extended family.

For many men, their extended family is very important.

Their extended family is the one who they spent their childhood with, who taught them everything they know. And who created their issues and their habits.

As a result, many men are very concerned about what their family would think of them if they got a divorce.

Perhaps their parents were never divorced and they want to be like them. Perhaps they are worried about the judgment of their siblings. Perhaps, his parents never liked you and he doesn ‘ t want to prove them right.

Also, know that your family could be a part of why he won ‘ t divorce you. I know when my ex-husband asked for a divorce my mother made it all about her.

He had asked her for permission to marry me and he had promised he would love me forever. When he left me, my mother was furious. She spent the next few months complaining about how much he had let her down. That wasn ‘ t helpful for me!

So, don ‘ t underestimate the effect that your extended families might be having on his decision whether or not to get a divorce. Because it could be a significant part of this.

I hope you now have an understanding of why your husband won ‘ t divorce you, no matter how miserable you are!

I do believe that, for many women, marriage is about love. Relationships are about love. But for many men relationships are about responsibility. They ‘ re about finances, the kids, their place in society, and their family. The prospect of losing love might not be as daunting to them as it is to you.

That being said, there are many men who do believe in love and who want love. Those men might be holding on to the marriage because they don ‘ t want to let go of the love, or at least the hope of the love.

So, know that, while many of the things I ‘ ve talked about are relevant, in reality he might not want to divorce you because he holds out hope for the future.

I would encourage you to think about these things and talk to him about them so that you can make a decision together about moving forward.

5 Signs You are Ready to Date Again After a Toxic Relationship

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Are you wondering if there are signs that you are ready to date again after a toxic relationship?

Did it take you forever to get over the pain of your break up and are you hesitant to put yourself back out there again and be vulnerable?

Getting out of a toxic relationship is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do and it can leave you destroyed and exhausted. The last thing that you want to do is get into a relationship with someone else, someone who might just hurt you all over again.

I believe, however, that taking a risk and stepping back into the dating world is a brave step and an important part of the healing process. Love and happiness are the goals and you are the only one who can reach that goal. But only when you are ready.

So, how can you tell when you are ready to date again after a toxic relationship? Here are 5 signs to help you decide.

#1 – You are no longer obsessed with your ex.

Ok, I don ‘ t mean to shut you down before we even start here. I am guessing that you are still thinking about your ex, especially as you consider getting back out there. Thinking about taking a risk, putting yourself back out there and starting all over again will naturally make you think of the relative security of your ex.

I say ‘ ˜relative ‘ – your relationship never really was secure, was it?

It is essential that, to be ready to date again after a toxic relationship, you have let go of your ex and the ‘ ˜security ‘ that that relationship provided for you. It ‘ s ok to still think about them, to some degree, but the obsession that you felt about them needs to have significantly subsided.

Why? Because as you start to meet new people, if you are still obsessed with your ex, you will only compare them to your date and shut yourself down right away. You most likely will only remember the good parts of your toxic relationship and you will seek those in a new person.

And that is a recipe for disaster because if you find someone like your ex, you will only be repeating history.

So, make sure that you have let go of your ex before you put your toe back into the dating pool.

#2 – You know why the relationship was toxic.

A key part of being ready to date after a toxic relationship is understanding what happened that made your relationship toxic.

A client of mine, after finally escaping a toxic relationship, couldn ‘ t let go of the belief that everything that was wrong in the relationship was all her fault. She believed that if she had only been more understanding, more sexual, more supportive, then her relationship would have flourished.

But the reality is that the toxicity was on both her and her partner. He was controlling and she let him. He was rough in bed and she shut down. He needed her unconditional support, and when he felt that she didn ‘ t give him enough, he was abusive.

After working with me, she came to see that the toxicity wasn ‘ t her fault but a combination of his abuse and her allowing him to abuse her.

Knowing this, knowing that she was a part of what happened but that it wasn ‘ t all her fault, made her more ready to let another person into her life. She knew that she could change her behaviors and reactions and that might save any future relationship from becoming toxic.

#3 – You have rebuilt your self-esteem.

When we get out of toxic relationships, we often feel really horrible about ourselves.

Days, weeks or years of abuse and gaslighting have led us to believe that we are ugly, that we aren ‘ t loveable, that we are worthless.

And the kind of person who believes those things about themselves will only attract other people who feel bad about themselves.

It is essential that, if you are struggling with low self-esteem, you do the work that you need to do to feel better about yourself. Spend time with people who love you, do the things that you have always wanted to do, don ‘ t obsess about the past but look to the future, take care of yourself.

If you feel good about yourself as you head back into the dating world, you will attract the kind of person who feels good about themselves as well.

#4 – You know you will not ignore red flags going forward.

Be honest. When your toxic relationship started, you saw a lot of red flags, didn ‘ t you?

Maybe he told you about toxicity with his ex? Maybe you saw how controlling she could be? Maybe you knew that he had no friends and was obsessed with you?

And, did you ignore those red flags? Did you believe that if you only loved your person enough you could fix them? Were you wrong?

Make sure that, going forward, you are willing to recognize red flags and act on them. Be prepared to walk away. Only by doing so can you find the kind of person who can give you the healthy relationship you seek.

#5 – You really, really want to date.

Dating is hard. Dating takes time and patience. Dating takes a willingness to make yourself vulnerable. If you want to date, you need to make sure that it is something that you really want to do.

Many people come to me, thinking that they are ready to put themselves back out there but they aren ‘ t, for whatever reason, willing to put in the time and energy necessary. They want to sit back and wait for people to come to them. They want to say yes to dates but then cancel. They just don ‘ t have their heart in it 100%. And, when they don ‘ t find their person, they get disheartened and shut down.

So, take a good hard look at yourself and see if you are really and truly ready to put yourself back out there. If you aren ‘ t, don ‘ t do it yet. You will only set yourself up for failure and that will only set your self-esteem back again.

Recognizing that you are ready to date again after a toxic relationship is very important to doing so successfully, so that you can find the love you seek.

Make sure that you are longer thinking about your ex all the time. Take the time to look at what happened in the relationship so that you don ‘ t make the same mistakes again and be prepared to notice red flags. Rebuild your self-esteem and don ‘ t put yourself out there before you are ready.

If you can do these things, you will be ready to date again, primed to find the person who can make your dreams come true.

 

Don’t Let an Ex’s Infidelity Sabotage Your New Relationship!

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Have you started seeing the most amazing person but are you realizing that you are letting an ex ‘ s infidelity sabotage your new relationship?

Did learning that your ex cheated devastate you and leave you with residual PTSD and trust issues?

Struggling with past infidelity is common for people when they get into a new relationship after their old one is torn apart by an affair.

Fortunately, there are some things that you can do to get over the past and move on to find the happiness you seek.

#1 – Get help.

If your ex ‘ s infidelity is affecting your new relationship, then you most likely have trust issues. You don ‘ t believe that someone else wouldn ‘ t do to you what has been done before.

The best way to get rid of those trust issues is by talking to someone, either a therapist or a life coach. These professionals can help you process why those trust issues exist and help you with tools to manage them so that they don ‘ t control your life or destroy your new relationship.

If you aren ‘ t comfortable talking to someone, do some research online. There are lots of articles out there that will help you dig into your trust issues and teach you how to manage them.

What you shouldn ‘ t do is talk to your friends about these issues. Your friends were probably there for you when you were struggling and they might encourage you to be distrustful of a new person, especially if they too have been cheated on in the past.

Friends are great but they often bring their own stuff into a conversation and that won ‘ t help you get past those trust issues so that you can have thehealthy relationship you want.

#2 – Consider your role in the old relationship.

Infidelity doesn ‘ t happen in a void – there are two partners in every relationship and their issues are usually the result of both parties. I am not saying that it is your fault that your ex cheated but your relationship was fragile enough that your partner strayed, trying to find something that was missing.

When my ex cheated on me, I was devastated. While I don ‘ t blame myself for his cheating, in retrospect I have realized that I helped create thepetriedish in which my partner ‘ s infidelity developed.

I was contemptuous of him, always questioning why he did or didn ‘ t do things. We lived apart often, because of work or the kids. We never had sex. I was always in charge. Etc.

None of these things made him feel loved or respected and eventually he met someone who make him feel both. And he left.

In my relationships since then, I have worked hard to not create an atmosphere where my partner would look elsewhere for love or affection. I work hard to communicate instead of being passive aggressive and treating my guy with contempt. I make sure we have sex and thatthe power in the relationship is even.

It ‘ s not always easy because old habits are hard to break, but doing sohas kept our relationship strong and infidelity proof.

So, take a look at your behaviors in your new relationship and make sure that you aren ‘ t repeating ancient history yourself.

#3 – Don ‘ t project old stuff on your new partner.

You have a new partner. They are a wonderful partner. You fell in love with them for a reason. They aren ‘ t your old partner.

One of the biggest challenges innew relationships is that we bring our baggage into it. The feelings about things that happened in the past come with us into that relationship and can wreak havoc when they do so.

If you have done some trust work outside of this relationship it will make it easier for you to recognize that this new person is someone who you can trust until they have shown you otherwise. They are not your old partner, this is not your old relationship and you aren ‘ t the same person you were before.

Even if you haven ‘ t gotten past your trust issues with your ex, you can work to recognize this – that your partner is not your ex and that you can love and trust themuntilthey do something that would make you question them.

#4 – Don ‘ t suffer in silence.

A key part of trusting someone is communication. If you have insecurities about your partners infidelity, it is important that you address them up front by talking about them.

It is important that your new person know that you have these trust issues, that you have suffered some trauma from the past infidelity. It is also important that they know that you will work to trust them until they prove themselves untrustworthy.

If you suspect that they are doing something that makes them untrustworthy, it is important that you consider whether or not what you are perceiving they are doing is in your head or if there is tangible proof that what you suspect is true.

I have a client whose new partner is SURE that he is cheating on her with his old girlfriend. And how does he know that she thinks this? Because she is talking to their friends about it, not to him. He isn ‘ t cheating but, because she won ‘ t talk to him about it, she has this image in her head that he is cheating, one that might be snuffed out if she discussed it with him.

So, if you are struggling letting an ex ‘ s infidelity sabotage your new relationship, talk to your person. It will help you manage your fears and hopefully move youforward towards a healthier relationship.

#5 – Have hope.

I know it ‘ s hard to believe that, after all that you have been through, you could possibly have a healthy relationship. You have been cheated on, maybe repeatedly, which probably made your self-esteem plummet and to question who you are in the world.

Why, you think, would anyone ever love you again?

Don ‘ t let yourself believe that! Infidelity happens for a variety of reasons but none of them is because you are a bad person, because you are unloveable. Relationships are hard and they can end badly but that doesn ‘ t make you less than. That makes you human.

It is essential that you work to believe that you are worthy andloveableand amazing and that your new partner would be a fool to cheat on you. Talk to your friends and family, to people who love you, so that you can have a clearer picture of how wonderful you are and how lucky your new partner is to have you.

Because it ‘ s true – you do deserve to be happy!

Knowing how to not let an ex ‘ s infidelity sabotage your new relationship is the key to finding happiness.

If you can get some help managing your trust issues, if you can take stock of your role in your failed relationships, if you can push back on your comparing your new person to your ex, if you can communicate with them before issues occur and if you can believe that you deserve to be happy, your new relationship will flourish and you can live happily ever after.

I know that it might not be easy, but you can do it and you can be happy just like you deserve to be!

5 Reasons Why He Won’t Let You Break Up with Him

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Are you and your boyfriend absolutely miserable and yet, even so, he won ‘ t let you break up with him?

Do you try repeatedly to walk out the door, or ask him to leave, only to have him refuse to leave or refuse to stay away?

Are you going crazy, trying to get out of this relationship and move on?

There are a few reasons why he won ‘ t let you break up with him and understanding them might help you figure out a way to get rid of him for good!

#1 – He wants the power.

When you try to break up with your boyfriend, does he say ‘ ˜ You won ‘ t be doing the leaving ‘ ¦I will. ‘ Does he refuse to respect your wants and needs because it ‘ s all about him?

I have a client who has been having an affair for years and she wants, more than anything, to end it. Whenever she tries, he threatens her, swearing that he will be the only one who decides when they are over. And he usually walks out, only to reappear a few days or weeks later, like nothing had happened.

If your guy wants the power, I would encourage you to dig deep and get some power of your own. If he doesn ‘ t want to leave, you leave, even if only for a few weeks. If he leaves and then tries to worm his way back in, don ‘ t let him. And if you can ‘ t be strong enough to keep him away, try making his life miserable. That just might do the trick.

You have power in this relationship, and in your life. Use it!

#2 – He wants someone to take care of him.

Every guy just wants to be taken care of. No matter how successful or independent they are, having someone tend to their needs is a key part of their happiness.

Imagine if you broke up with him – who would take care of him?

I have a client who took care of her man in a big way. She paid for the furniture for his apartment. She cooked and cleaned and walked the dogs. She was always there, waiting for him when he got home after work. She loved taking care of him, so she did.

As time went on, she felt like he was taking her for granted. He stopped coming home to spend time with her. When he was home, he was crabby. She continued to take care of him but was getting nothing in return. Soon, she decided that she was done.

Whenever she broached the subject of breaking up with him, he begged her to stay. He made promises that he would change, promises of love and forever. And so she stayed and continued to take care of him. And he went right back to taking her for granted.

Guys need someone to take care of them. One reason why he won ‘ t let you break up with him is because he doesn ‘ t want to lose his chief bottle washer.

So, what do you do? You stop taking care of him. That should do the trick.

#3 – He likes the sex.

We all know that men are very much driven by sex. That they think about it 24 hours a day and that they will do almost anything to have easy access to it whenever they can.

And that means you.

If you break up with him, he will no longer have access to the sex that he craves. Instead of coming home to you every night, he will have to make an effort to get some. And, while men love sex, making an effort to get it isn ‘ t always an option.

Furthermore, sex that is the result of conflict, which is often ever-present when people are trying to break up, is really good sex. So why would he walk away from that now?

The cure for this issue – no more sex. Period.

#4 – He doesn ‘ t want to have to date again.

Be honest – isn ‘ t one reason why you have struggled to break up with him because you are wavering a bit? Does the idea of putting yourself back out there and having to date again make you almost wish that you could just stay and make the best of it?

I am guessing yes. And it ‘ s the exact same for guys. Dating is a drag – why would he want to put himself through that, especially if you are taking care of him and having sex with him.

I would encourage you to stop making his home life so comfortable. Start going out with your friends and not sitting around waiting for him. Try to rebuild your single life so that when you are actually out, you are ready to hit the dating ground running!

#5 – He is embarrassed.

Many men are very prideful. To look good in the eyes of others, especially other men, is what drives him to succeed. If you want to break up with him, instead of the other way around, then he loses face.

I have a client whose boyfriend offered to let her break up with him but only if she continued to make appearances for Sunday night dinner at his folks’. He had been through a few relationships before and his brothers gave him a lot of grief about it. The idea of having to take more because his girlfriend had broken up with him filled him with dread. He didn ‘ t want to face it.

Is your guy embarrassed that you are breaking up with him? Is he embarrassed that he has another failed relationship? Has his pride been damaged, big time?

If the answer is yes, I would encourage you to talk to your guy about how you can manage this break up in a way that won ‘ t make him lose face. That way, he can walk away with his head held high, not embarrassed that things didn ‘ t work out, again.

Knowing why he won ‘ t let you break up with him is the key to understanding how you can do so.

He doesn ‘ t want to let go because he wants you to take care of him and to have sex with him. He wants the power to do the breaking up or perhaps he is embarrassed that it ‘ s even an issue. And he doesn ‘ t want to have to date again.

Now that you know why he won ‘ t let you break up with him, you can take the steps that you need to take, to take back your power, to stop giving without receiving and to make sure that dating again is more appealing than staying with you!

The only way that you are going to find the love and happiness that you desire is if you can get out of a relationship that isn ‘ t serving you. I know that it ‘ s easier said than done but you can do it!

 

Why An Emotionally Strong Woman Gets the Relationship She Wants

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Being an emotionally strong woman is the goal of every woman I know. And it should be.

We are all plagued with emotional issues from our past and present and, as a result, they can bring us down. They can make it impossible for us to be our true selves and get the life and the love that we want.

There are ways to get to be an emotionally strong woman – click this link to learn more.

In my work with clients, educating them on why emotionally strong woman gets what she wants every time is the best motivation for striving to be one!

Here are 5 reasons why an emotionally strong woman gets what she wants in a relationship every time!

#1 – She knows what she wants ‘ ¦

The number one defining trait of an emotionally strong woman is that she knows what she wants. An emotionally strong woman has taken the time to define what is important to her so that she can live the life she wants to live.

Instead of saying she wants ‘ ˜to be happy ‘ in her relationship, she is more specific. She wants quality time, she wants to feel loved, she wants to trust her person and she wants open communication.

Once she knows what she wants, she can go after it. She can ask her partner for quality time, she can help him understand what she needs to feel loved, she can speak up if she feels like he is being dishonest and she can encourage both of them to communicate effectively.

If you can take the time to figure out what you want, you will be one step closer to being the emotionally strong woman you want to be.

#2 – ‘ ¦and she is willing to ask for it.

I can ‘ t tell you how many of my clients have some sense of what they want in a relationship but find that they are unwilling, or unable, to ask for it.

They say they want quality time but they pretend they are ok when their partner goes out AGAIN. They say they want trust but don ‘ t speak up when they are being deceived. Instead of encouraging conversation, they are passive aggressive and close down when they are upset.

An essential part of being an emotionally strong woman means not only knowing what you want but also being able to reach out and take it.

Can you stand up for yourself in a relationship? Can you tell your partner what you want/need and not settle for anything less? If you can, you are being an emotionally strong woman, one who can find the love and happiness that she desires.

#3 – She values herself.

I have a client who is a psychiatrist. She has been professionally trained to help people process their thoughts and work through issues. She is very good at what she does.

Unfortunately, when she gets into a relationship she brings her training with her.

And what happens? She gives and she gives and she gives to her partner, helping them process their stuff. She wants to help them find health and happiness, just like she does her clients. And, in the process, she lets herself get sucked dry.

An emotionally strong woman will make sure that she values herself in a relationship. That she is willing to love but also to be loved. She does things for her person but allows things be done for her too. She knows that she deserves to be loved and respected and she won ‘ t settle for anything less.

What are you like in a relationship? Do you give and give and give and expect nothing in return? Is doing so sucking you dry? If yes, take a step back and start asking for what you need. If your partner isn ‘ t willing to try to give it to you, walk away.

An emotionally strong woman would do just that!

#4 – She has control of her emotions.

Are you one of those people who gets angered easily? Does it take no more than a few eyerolls to trigger you to yell and scream?

Are you someone who cries at the drop of the hat? Someone who no one can talk to because you are so sensitive and fragile?

Are you someone who gets up and walks away when something isn ‘ t going the way you want it to?

An emotionally strong doesn ‘ t do any of those things. An emotionally strong woman takes a deep breath when she feels anger coming up. She doesn ‘ t stifle her tears but she doesn ‘ t let them interfere with processing an issue. And she never, never walks away from a situation. She stays and she deals and she settles things.

Pay attention to your emotions. Having control of them will help you get the life and the love that you want.

#5 – She doesn ‘ t waste any time.

‘ ˜Life is short ‘ is the motto of any emotionally strong woman.

Have you been stuck in a toxic relationship, hoping for things to change, hoping for things to go back to the way they were, hoping that your person will just become the person you know they could be? Have you been waiting for days, months or even years for this to happen?

An emotionally strong woman doesn ‘ t do that. An emotionally strong woman identifies the issues in her relationship, is proactive in trying to fix them and, if she can ‘ t, she walks away.

No excuses about how she isn ‘ t a quitter or how if she just loves him enough he will change. She recognizes when done is done and moves on.

And that is why an emotionally strong woman gets what she wants in a relationship every time. Because she knows that the longer she sticks around, the less likely it is that she will find the love that she wants and deserves.

So now you understand why an emotionally strong woman gets what she wants in a relationship every time.

She knows exactly what she wants and isn ‘ t afraid to ask for it. She values herself, she controls her emotions and she doesn ‘ t waste any time.

I hope this article has been inspirational for you, that you have seen that getting the life that you want is possible – you just need to find that strong inner you!

She is in there! I promise!

Why Having Sex with Your Ex Is a REALLY Bad Idea

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I know that you want some – we all need sex – but having sex with your ex is not the answer.

Relationships are complicated and break ups even more so. Having sex with your ex, believe it or not, can make them both worse.

Obviously, break ups happen when there are issues in a relationship and they usually happen after a lot of hurt from both sides. Letting go of each other, while it might be painful, is often a necessary course of action.

Surprisingly, conflict in a relationship can enhance attraction to each other. As a result, exes often go back to each for sex, even after a nasty break up.

And when they do, disaster ensues.

So, why is having sex with your ex a really bad idea? Let me tell you why.

#1 – It ‘ s confusing and anxiety producing.

When we break up with someone, it is always for a reason. We leave or we are left or the decision is mutual. Whatever the reason, we break up.

If you start having sex with your ex, the break up lines are blurred.

If you did the leaving, why are you going back? Are you lonely, bored, horny or are you going back because you regret your decision?

If you were left, does having sex with your ex give you hope that you might get back together? Does it make you happy because you get to spend some time with your ex because if theymight bewith someone else?

If the decision was mutual, does having sex with your ex feel confusing? I mean, you were a couple and you were attached romantically and now you are having sex – not making love? How does that feel?

With few exceptions, being friends, much less friends with benefits, only brings more pain. It confuses people and drags out hurt feelings.

Whether you did the breaking up or are broken up with, walk away. Move on. There is no point wasting time in a physical relationship where the boundaries are blurred and can lead, ultimately, to more pain.

#2 – Fractured attachments.

As I said above, relationships involve sex AND emotion. In a relationship, you are having sex, maybe even great sex, but your heart is also involved. There is nothing more wonderful than making love to someone you care about.

Sex is different, for everyone. For men, sex is often not much more than just a physical release. I had a client who had sex with his soon to be ex-wife the night before their final therapy session. I asked him why. He said that he wouldn ‘ t turn down any opportunity to have sex.

She wanted the marriage to work – he did not. He had sex with her anyway.

I don ‘ t know my client ‘ s ex but I am guessing that when he came to the house and was interested in having sex with her, she believed that the sex could be a signal that he wanted to get back together. I am guessing that when he left, and expressed no indication that he wanted a reunion in therapy the next day, that she was more devastated than ever.

This couple who had been married for 30 years and shared 4 adult children, were devasting each other, beyond their divorce, by continuing their sexual relationship.

#3 – You can ‘ t move on.

I don ‘ t know about you but one of the reasons that I would put myself out to date after a break up was because I was horny. I hadn ‘ t had sex for a while and was motivated to go through the whole dating thing in the hopes of meeting someone special and, well, getting laid.

I know that, if I had been having sex with my ex, I would have been getting what I needed, physically, and might not have been motivated to get out there and find something real.

Furthermore, whether it was you who wanted the break up or your ex, neither of you will be given a chance to move on and find happiness if you are still entangled with each other.

If having sex with your ex keeps you from moving on and finding love, doesn ‘ t that sound like a REALLY bad idea?

#4 – Recurring issues.

You and your ex broke up. You broke up for one, or many reasons. You are no longer a couple because you just weren ‘ t right for each other.

Unfortunately, staying intimate with our ex can only lead to those issues being raised over and over, being hashed out again with no change, and feelings being hurt again and again.

I have had sex with an ex before and, while it was fun, I know that the behaviors that I didn ‘ t like about my ex, like the fact that he would disappear on Sundays or always sent terse texts or that he was vocally conservative, were still there. When we had sex after our break up, those things bugged me, more than ever because I wasn ‘ t as emotionally involved.

So, I would snap and he would get defensive and I would, more likely than not, storm out, angry, promising myself that I would never do this again. And then, one week later, after a call from him, there I would be, naked in bed, no longer horny but definitely irritated.

Lay those issues to rest. Move on.

#5 – Loss of self-respect.

For many people, having sex with your ex can lead to dramatically decreased self-esteem, especially if one person did the leaving.

I know that when I had sex with an ex who I wished I was still with, a guy who basically ignored me until he was horny, I always felt worse after it. I would be so excited in the anticipation but then, when it was over, I was devastated. I knew I was being used, I knew that I was being pathetic and I was embarrassed by my weakness.

After a few months of this, my self-esteem was in the toilet.

I have also seen this happening with couples who have sex with each other even if their break up was amiable. They enjoy getting together but know that they are doing so even if there is no future. They know that it ‘ s holding them back from moving on and finding happiness. They know that, while the sex might be great, they are with a person they really don ‘ t want to be with. And that ultimately doesn ‘ t feel good at all.

So, pay attention to your self-esteem if you are having sex with your ex. I am guessing that it ‘ s not as great as you would like it to be.

Having sex with your ex is a REALLY bad idea because relationships and break ups are complicated and involving sex in the equation only makes things worse.

If you are having sex with your ex, think about the signals that are being sent. Are you both on the same page about what the sex means? Is it keeping you attached in a negative way and preventing you from moving on? Is it bringing up recurring issues and damaging your self-esteem?

Taking a good look at your relationship with your ex and the effect that the sex is having on you and your ex will help you see that having sex after a break up is, more often than not, a horrible idea.

Married and Having an Affair? 5 Pieces of Advice to Keep You Grounded

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Are you married and having an affair?

Do you find yourself, to your surprise, straying from your marriage?

Are you wondering how you got there and what to do next?

Let me help!

When we are in the throes of an affair, we often feel like we are drowning. The highs of being with our person are amazing, but the lows that follow can be all-consuming.

And, chances are, we haven ‘ t had an affair before, so we are most likely feeling way out of our depths as to how to handle it.

Let me share with you advice culled from years of working with people who are having an affair, for those who are married and having an affair, so that you can take a good hard look at the choices you are making for the present and the future!

Here Are 5 Ways to Stay Grounded When Married and Having an Affair

#1 – You are not soul mates.

I know that it feels that way.

I know it feels like, after years of marriage with someone who just doesn ‘ t get you, finding someone who does feel like such a gift. It feels like you finally have a chance at the happiness that has been out of reach for so long.

Most people don ‘ t set out to have an affair. They usually start with two people talking about mundane things. Those mundane things shift to more personal things, things you don ‘ t share with your spouse. Before you know it, you feel very attached to your person and are having an emotional affair. More often than not, that attachment becomes sexual in nature, and the physical affair begins.

And you are sure that you have finally found your soul mate and that you are totally justified in having this affair. But this, I am afraid, is just an illusion.

What you are, in fact, feeling right now is that initial excitement that we feel at the beginning of every relationship. That period of time when we stay up all night talking, when every day feels brighter when the sex has never been better.

Over the course of a relationship, that initial excitement transitions into a more comfortable attachment, one that leads to a committed relationship. With people who are having an affair, that transition never happens because there is no committed relationship, just two people who are meeting clandestinely, having a relationship outside of marriage.

So, understand that while you think you are soul mates, you are really two people who have an intense emotional and chemical attraction, whose time together is always exciting because it is an affair!

#2 – You might hurt your children.

One thing that people who married and having an affair don ‘ t think of is the effect that the relationship might have on the children.

I have a client who was having an affair with a friend ‘ s husband. The families spent a lot of time together and, before the affair, that time was healthy. But, as the affair continued, the married couple having an affair brought a different energy to the get-togethers, one that the other spouses and the children didn ‘ t understand but felt.

The families started spending less time together, and the children suffered because of it.

I have another client who was in the same situation, and they were caught. Their children had to deal with the emotional and societal fallout that was the result. They didn ‘ t understand what was happening, all they knew was that things were bad. And I can guarantee that, as a result, those kids were destined to repeat the same mistakes when they grew up.

So, as you move forward with this affair, think about the effect that it might have on your children, both in the short and long term.

#3 – You aren ‘ t addressing the issues in your marriage.

Many people who are having an affair, they are disconnected emotionally from their spouses.

One of the reasons they are drawn into an affair is because they feel angry/lonely/resentful in their marriage. They would like to address those issues to make their marriage strong again, but its way easier to get involved with someone else instead of dealing.

I have a client whose therapist told her that, by continuing her affair, she was having her emotional needs met, and that was keeping her from trying to make her marriage a happy one. The longer the affair continued, the less she required from her husband. Their marriage was suspended in a bad place, with no hope of change.

It ‘ s important that, to have a happy marriage, our spouses meet our emotional and physical needs. If you go outside of your marriage to have those needs met, your marriage just might be doomed.

#4 – You won ‘ t ever be together.

Many married people who are having an affair, they believe that they will ultimately leave their spouse and be with the person who is their soul mate. And that is a goal that they are working towards every day, or so they believe.

The reality is is that leaving a marriage is very difficult. The societal, familial and financial issues that arise paralyze people, leading them to stay in a marriage, even if it is not a happy one.

Divorce can lead to substantial financial issues that affect both spouses. Divorce means visitation with the kids, not seeing them every day. Divorce means having friends needing to take sides. Divorce means letting go of traditions.

It is way easier to continue the affair and be in a marriage that is ‘ ˜good enough ‘ than to take steps to get a divorce. And, if one person is willing to take the step and the other is not, that will lead to even more unhappiness, this time in a relationship that is meant to cause joy.

#5 – You will be caught.

I know that you feel like you are being super careful. That you are using an encrypted app to communicate, that you meet places where you know no one, and that the stories you tell your spouse about why you were late are readily accepted. But the reality is that the longer the affair continues, the more likely it is that you will be caught.

Don ‘ t kid yourself – you will be caught. People make mistakes, the world is small, and karma is a bitch.

Being married and having an affair are way more common than most people think.

15% of married women have affairs, and 25% of married men do. And more than 50% of marriages end in divorce.

I am hoping that, if you are reading this article, you are considering what to do about your affair – if it truly is something that you want as a part of your life. I know the ups are amazing, but how bad are the downs? Pretty bad right?

So, keep in mind that you aren ‘ t soulmates, that you won ‘ t ever be together, that your children ‘ s health is at risk and that you will be caught.

Are any of those things worth the risk that you are taking every day? Think about it!

 

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